To expect my DH to get out of our bed?

[PurpleDaisy2114]

DD is 10,with additional needs. She has been in a lot of pain yesterday and today with muscle strain in her back.
She wanted to sleep in our bed tonight.DH was adamant in saying no- said it's the only thing he insists on,it's our space.
DDhas slept on the sofa, lying next to me most of evening.To me,she's poorly and wants her Mum.
I just think he is being selfish. I've come into her room and am in her bed instead.

@PurpleDaisy2114

Thank you for your replies. I take it onboard about drip feeding and the thoughts that I shouldn't have let her climb in. In the end she asked me to go so she could have more space, so I came back to bed. DH has gone to work and now she is back in our bed! She was off school yesterday and lols like she will be today to. Now and again she want to sleep in our bed- I wouldn't say it as regular. I didn't wake her from sofa as I was relieved she was getting some sleep as she has even been groaning in pain in her sleep. GP just recommended ibuprofen.

Ibuprofen is the go to drug for back pain. The doctor isn’t going to start prescribing big gun painkillers as they have their own issues including addiction .

@Franklin12

I think the daughter sounds indulged. Everyone has to change around and now you have foolishly let her get her own way and now DH is out the way she has got what she was demanding.

She has a queen bed, she wanted you out of there at one point in the night. Going to a poorly child is one thing but this is seemingly allowing her to dictate who sleeps where and at what point.

I often wonder when people make comments like this if they have any clue at all about children who have additional needs? I have spent many a night sleeping on the floor of my DC bedroom because we didn't have the space and they needed me to be there. This isn't indulging a child, it's dosing what you have to do that they and you can get a single bit of sleep.

OP I have no opinions about who should sleep where, but allow me to strongly recommend BioFreeze spray for the muscle strain.

My son grew a foot in a year and his chiropractor recommended it. Great stuff that cools then warms the area.

@lollipoprainbow

Do people really still sleep with 10 year olds just because they are poorly and want their mum?

If they are loving parents yes.

And what age does this stop? Would you stop earlier if it were a boy?

@PurpleDaisy2114

Thank you for your replies. I take it onboard about drip feeding and the thoughts that I shouldn't have let her climb in. In the end she asked me to go so she could have more space, so I came back to bed. DH has gone to work and now she is back in our bed! She was off school yesterday and lols like she will be today to. Now and again she want to sleep in our bed- I wouldn't say it as regular. I didn't wake her from sofa as I was relieved she was getting some sleep as she has even been groaning in pain in her sleep. GP just recommended ibuprofen.

So you've let her in your bed yet again, despite knowing that DH isn't OK with it.

This is the problem, you are being inconsistent.

The (perfectly reasonable) rules in your house are that she doesn't sleep in your bed at all, if she needs to sleep with a parent, it is done in her (perfectly big enough for 2 people) bed. So when she needs comfort, you go into her room with her. She doesn't get to go in your bed AT ALL.

All the time you keep letting her do this, she is going to keep trying and you are endlessly going to have a battle, because you are blurring the boundaries as letting her do it, despite the house rule being that she should not.

Of course she's going to get upset, if sometimes she's allowed, and sometimes she's not. The rule is she's not, ever. So stick to those rules and be consistent, regardless of whether your DH is in the bed at the time.

Co-sleeping (if required) is done in HER bed only, not ever in your bed.

@RedskyThisNight

Your references to 10 year olds, puberty and asking of someone would stop comforting their child if they were a boy is nothing short of creepy.

What was the point of her having a queen sized bed if not for moments like this?
I'd not want to be chucked out of my bed on the say so of a 10 year old whose needs can be met very well in her own bed. There's just no need.

[quote Eltonsglasses]@RedskyThisNight

Your references to 10 year olds, puberty and asking of someone would stop comforting their child if they were a boy is nothing short of creepy. [/quote]
I'm not talking about stopping comforting my child. I'm talking about sharing a bed with them. Neither of my children would have wanted this at 10. In DD's case this is because she had started puberty and was very body conscious. There is a point where sharing a bed with your children becomes inappropriate and not something to be encouraged.

@RedskyThisNight I don't get it either.. it's definitely a new thing on MN.

One of the best things you can do as a parent is teach good sleep hygiene IMHO. Sharing beds from 5/6 + isnt good sleep hygiene. I also wouldn't want to share a bed with a pubescent child, it's not odd to say that it's odd to do.

My dc came in with me whenever they wanted. Dh used to go out on a Friday and Dd and l would get in our bed. She loved it.

Why wouldn’t ge move?

One of the best things you can do as a parent is teach good sleep hygiene IMHO. Sharing beds from 5/6 + isnt good sleep hygiene. I also wouldn't want to share a bed with a pubescent child, it's not odd to say that it's odd to do.

Actually one of the best things you could ever do for your child is be there when they need you. Good sleep hygiene is a fucking joke when it comes to additional needs. Oh me of mine slept between 2 and 4 hours a night, often missed a whole nights sleep completely and needed me there because the anxiety levels were such that without me there would have not only been no sleep but no down time either.

You people making judgements like this don't have a fucking clue.

Also, the puberty thing? I'm stunned that it's even a consideration let alone that you think it's odd.

If a ten year old with additional needs needs their parent that fully deserve to have that parent.

One of the best things you can do as a parent is teach good sleep hygiene IMHO. Sharing beds from 5/6 + isnt good sleep hygiene. I also wouldn't want to share a bed with a pubescent child, it's not odd to say that it's odd to do

That’s appalling. My dd was a very anxious child. It helped her to sleep with me. Do 5/6 year olds need sleep hygiene? They’re hardly more than babies.

Having rtft my main opinion is based on a couple of points
a). Preferably before you had children, or at least by the time the first one (only one?) arrived, did your DH let you know that under no circumstances would your DC be allowed in bed with the two of you? If not when did he make that decision?

b). Does you DC have a small double rather than a single bed as a concession from your DH (as he won't let even a sick, or in pain child into your bed) so that you or he can sleep with them comfortably in that bed?

c). Does your DH ever get up at night to look after your DC if they are sick or scared, and if so is he willing to sleep in their bed with them - or did he used to if he believes that at 10 years old she is too old to have her Dad sleep in her bed with her?

If the answer to any of my three questions is "no" then I do think that you probably have a very selfish husband, and in fact if I knew that about my DH before I married him, then I wouldn't have married him. But putting children first is my priority, and I need to share my life with someone who has the "big" priorities the same as mine.

If however you were well aware of your DH feelings before you had a DC, and you still went ahead with it, then I do think you are being a bit unreasonable to be annoyed about it now. Having said that though, our feelings can change once we experience something, and that goes for both of you. So as long as he does take his turn at looking after your DC when they are both well and ill, then I think you should let it go. My biggest concern about your shared child rearing is that your DC only asked for you, unless you are a SAHM surely your DC should be just as happy with either of you?

You can all jump on me all you like - but you know full well 9 year old boys start having wet dreams and I think it's odd to share with a child going through normal puberty processes like that.

And sleep hygiene is very important, SN or not. In fact I'd argue it's more important to teach children with SN how to self soothe and get themselves to sleep. It's hard enough for NT dc to regulate their emotions ect when they're grumpy from lack of good sleep, let alone if you already struggle a lot with regulating and self soothing.

Ffs anyone who won’t ‘indulge’ a sick child, where the adult moving beds is still getting a decent bed to sleep, is as hard as nails.

Sleep hygiene doesn’t mean sleeping in the same bed every single night. And sometimes even the most independent sleepers need a bit of extra love and attention when sick.

@SnowWhitesSM

You can all jump on me all you like - but you know full well 9 year old boys start having wet dreams and I think it's odd to share with a child going through normal puberty processes like that.

And sleep hygiene is very important, SN or not. In fact I'd argue it's more important to teach children with SN how to self soothe and get themselves to sleep. It's hard enough for NT dc to regulate their emotions ect when they're grumpy from lack of good sleep, let alone if you already struggle a lot with regulating and self soothing.

Clueless.

And sick.

It's not sick. It's sick to share a bed with your kid who's doing that. It's actually really unfair on them.

She has a queen bed? Lucky girl. You need to shift, in that case.

Nothing at all wrong with a child sharing a bed with a parent if the child wants it. To try to make it anything sexual is just bizzare.

But in this case their is another bed which is suitable so just one parent moving to be with the child in her own bed makes much more sense and will hopefully allow for maximum sleep.

@SnowWhitesSM

It's not sick. It's sick to share a bed with your kid who's doing that. It's actually really unfair on them.

It's bloody sick to take a child with additional needs who wants parental support and apply this kind of thought in the first place. You do know that there are many disabled children and teens who go through the stages of puberty but due to their extra needs their parents have to be there for them. Some of them still wear nappies. I don't think puberty is a reason to stop supporting a child with additional needs where necessary. Tbh I don't think it's a reason to stop supporting any child if they need it. The whole wet dream chat that has been raised is fucking weird.

@SnowWhitesSM

You can all jump on me all you like - but you know full well 9 year old boys start having wet dreams and I think it's odd to share with a child going through normal puberty processes like that.

And sleep hygiene is very important, SN or not. In fact I'd argue it's more important to teach children with SN how to self soothe and get themselves to sleep. It's hard enough for NT dc to regulate their emotions ect when they're grumpy from lack of good sleep, let alone if you already struggle a lot with regulating and self soothing.

This is such a twisted disgusting post. You should be ashamed of yourself.

YABU

My mind is blown: kids have double beds these days?

Anyway surely the point of having a double bed is in cases like this. You are totally unreasonable to kick a grown adult out of his bed because your child has a sore muscle.

YABU