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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my DH to get out of our bed?

215 replies

PurpleDaisy2114 · 08/11/2021 22:27

DD is 10,with additional needs. She has been in a lot of pain yesterday and today with muscle strain in her back.
She wanted to sleep in our bed tonight.DH was adamant in saying no- said it's the only thing he insists on,it's our space.
DDhas slept on the sofa, lying next to me most of evening.To me,she's poorly and wants her Mum.
I just think he is being selfish. I've come into her room and am in her bed instead.

OP posts:
Lasair · 09/11/2021 07:07

It’s one night and he’s putting himself before his sick child. What a prince. Yanbu

Covidworries · 09/11/2021 07:13

My children are often in my bed. Sometimes i go sleep elsewhere sometimes husband. He isnt keen on them being in our room but is generally accepting if the wake in night or are ill.
Alternative is i sleep in there room with them but they both have single beds and it is a squash so not ideal. If they had 3/4 beds, doubles or bigger. I would just go into there rooms if they needed or wanted me at night

HazelandChacha · 09/11/2021 07:14

YABU

Original poster
PurpleDaisy2114 · 09/11/2021 07:29

Thank you for your replies. I take it onboard about drip feeding and the thoughts that I shouldn't have let her climb in. In the end she asked me to go so she could have more space, so I came back to bed. DH has gone to work and now she is back in our bed!
She was off school yesterday and lols like she will be today to.
Now and again she want to sleep in our bed- I wouldn't say it as regular.
I didn't wake her from sofa as I was relieved she was getting some sleep as she has even been groaning in pain in her sleep. GP just recommended ibuprofen.

OP posts:
Whendidthishappen · 09/11/2021 07:33

Goodness. Imagine thinking it's pandering to settle your child with additional needs

I think the pandemic was letting her get in and then fall asleep, knowing full well what was going to happen.....when there is a viable alternative. It would be pandering to let the child dictate where everyone was sleeping.

As yes, reasonable adjustment, means exactly that. It would be rras9na me for the op to sleep with her dd, if her dd wanted her to and she wanted to. It's not reasonable to let a child dictate where people sleep. Especially, when someone has expressed their dislike for it.

A reasonable adjustment doesn't mean whatever the people involved once.

It was unreasonable for op to strop to the couch when there's a better place for her dd. That adjustment was unreasonable. It was a reasonable adjustment for dd to sleep with her child.

That's the issue with 'reasonable adjustment' because it means different to different people.

rwalker · 09/11/2021 07:34

I'm with Dh never had kids in our bed you should get in with her.
You've complelty undermined him but letting her in your bed now after he's gone it could confuser her and she'll keep asking .

thebabessavedme · 09/11/2021 07:36

Blimey! Some homes sound pretty draconian in the rules and regulations, DH and I have slept in which ever bed and combination of small child that will afford us all the best night sleep possible, children are all so different in their needs when they are poorly, some need to be left alone, others need mummy/daddy whatever, I think getting settled asap and getting some sleep is more important than a grown man needing his 'safe place' Confused he is in his own home, presumably locked in for the night, surely any bed is now 'safe'? I don't half read some drivel on here sometimes.

Eltonsglasses · 09/11/2021 07:37

As yes, reasonable adjustment, means exactly that. It would be rras9na me for the op to sleep with her dd, if her dd wanted her to and she wanted to. It's not reasonable to let a child dictate where people sleep. Especially, when someone has expressed their dislike for it.

I don't disagree. However my reference to 'reasonable adjustment' was nothing to do with the sleeping arrangements. It was in response ot the 'in the real world'

RantyAunty · 09/11/2021 07:44

Is there not enough room for all 3 of you in your bed?

NewbieAlert · 09/11/2021 07:48

she got into our bed and said I want to sleep with you Mum and seemed to get sleepy quite quickly. I just felt that making her move was unreasonable
Sorry but I agree with your DH too. I can’t stand having my kids in my bed during the night. I’ll happily go in theirs or even on a camp bed next to theirs for the night if they are poorly but there is something about that space that I need to keep separate from them.

IARTNS · 09/11/2021 07:50

Kinda OT

^BED/MATTRESS SIZE DIMENSIONS
Small Single 2'6'' x 6'3'' 75 x 190cm
Single 3'0'' x 6'3'' 90 x 190 cm
Small Double (Queen) 4'0'' x 6'3'' 120 x 190cm
Double 4'6'' x 6'3'' 135 x 190cm
King Size 5'0'' x 6'6'' 150 x 200cm
Super King Size 6'0'' x 6'6'' 180 x 200cm^

Back on topic - YABU why didn't you go in her bed?

EmeraldShamrock · 09/11/2021 07:53

She has a queen bed so it's not too squashy
Yabu if there is plenty of space in her bed there is no problem with you sleeping there.

Sirzy · 09/11/2021 07:53

With her having a bed big enough for you both then you settling her in there makes much more sense, you can then move to your bed when she is settled if you wish.

RedskyThisNight · 09/11/2021 07:55

Do people really still sleep with 10 year olds just because they are poorly and want their mum? DD was going through puberty at that age!

Agree with DH - she has her own bed she should sleep in.

Eltonsglasses · 09/11/2021 08:00

@RedskyThisNight

Do people really still sleep with 10 year olds just because they are poorly and want their mum? DD was going through puberty at that age!

Agree with DH - she has her own bed she should sleep in.

A ten you old with additional needs who is struggling with pain/injury? Absolutely I do.

I'm not sure what your comment about puberty means tbh, but of an odd one.

user1473878824 · 09/11/2021 08:02

@PurpleDaisy2114

She has a queen bed so it's not too squashy
Sorry I think YABU and your husband is right
lollipoprainbow · 09/11/2021 08:03

'No kids in my bed rule' how harsh.

lollipoprainbow · 09/11/2021 08:07

*Given that your life already likely revolves around your special needs daughter then it’s understandable he wants own space for you teo

Also what needs does she have exactly*

Wow !!

Pottedpalm · 09/11/2021 08:07

You in her perfectly adequate bed! I don’t understand why that wasn’t the first option.

Finknottlesnewt · 09/11/2021 08:08

Yep. Completely agree with DH. Marital bed is OUR bed. OUR space. It's the one place in the entire house that belongs to us. For this reason all the kids have Queen or double beds should one child want a parent with them. Always happy to oblige with night time cuddles be they babies who can't settle, kids with nightmares or teenagers with broken hearts.. age is not a barrier to needing a cuddle and DH and I provide a mobile service. .. Just not in OUR bed. !

lollipoprainbow · 09/11/2021 08:09

Some really nasty comments here about SN by the way.

lollipoprainbow · 09/11/2021 08:10

Do people really still sleep with 10 year olds just because they are poorly and want their mum?

If they are loving parents yes.

Cheeserton · 09/11/2021 08:11

YABU.

oakleaffy · 09/11/2021 08:18

@Winniemarysarah

I’ve also got a no kids in my bed rule. And you say it’s the only thing your oh insists on. And your alternative was your daughter to stay in her own queen sized bed which you shared with her. This is a complete non issue.
Agree- I think this is a husband bashing thread. The child has a queen sized bed for goodness sakes !
Franklin12 · 09/11/2021 08:24

I think the daughter sounds indulged. Everyone has to change around and now you have foolishly let her get her own way and now DH is out the way she has got what she was demanding.

She has a queen bed, she wanted you out of there at one point in the night. Going to a poorly child is one thing but this is seemingly allowing her to dictate who sleeps where and at what point.