My doctor just called me a good girl and I died a bit inside

[Wtfdoctor]

I just pretended he hadn't said anything - I don't know what the actual fuck got into him, I think he thought he was being funny or charming or something and I think I was expected to smile and find it funny. But no. It wasn't funny.

He is normally a good doctor who to be fair to him has sorted out a major problem for me because he does actually listen and did blood tests to find out my issue. I generally felt very comfortable with him before this but don't know now at all if I'd feel comfortable going forward. The clinic is hormones/ fertility etc. One of the procedures he recommended I have done is a transvaginal ultrasound and I don't think I can have him do it now.

I just feel really uncomfortable and foolish when I think about it. Am I being oversensitive? I have a lot going on at the moment and wonder if I'm being unreasonable to question having him as my doctor anymore.

What was the context.

I’m not sure that this is something to write off a great doctor for.

I'd want to nip that in the bud immediately.

It smacks of a patriarchal view of medicine and is just plain creepy.

I'd speak to PALS.

YABU

In what context was that said?! I mean I’ve occasionally caught myself before swearing in front of patients I’m friendly with/have known for a log time. IS he a gynaecologist otherwise I Don’t think he’d be doing the TV US? Maybe he’s inwardly cringing and thinking what the fuck did I say that for?

Urgh, someone said that to me once and it still makes my skin crawl.

Need more context tbh,

YABU there will be a nurse present.

Did he mean it in a jokey way? It’s not great but not something I’d refuse to see an otherwise great doctor for again.

I totally understand why this makes you uncomfortable - it speaks to an intrinsic belief he holds, consciously or unconsciously, in which you are childlike to him and doing what he tells you, when he tells you, requires some sort of praise in a paternal way. Doesn't matter how well meaning it is.

I couldn't say if I'd give up the doctor relationship for this, but I do think this is something that would make me uncomfortable and that could therefore make me unwilling to go further with him as my doctor.

Perhaps he sees a lot of kids throughout the course of his days appointments and ends up saying "good girl" or "good boy" on autopilot?

Context - "As you're such a good girl, I'm going to prescribe X which is a smaller needle and hurts less".

I have never commented on the needle before so it's also an odd thing to say because not relevant. Perhaps he momentarily confused with someone else and they have a bit of an in joke or something?

Makes me ick. I used to have a friend that would say it to me sometimes and since found out he has a fetish for submissive women.

Why did he say it. Tbh maybe I’m definitely in the Stone Age but if a Doctor said it to me in the context of having made some very difficult changes that positively impacted my health (like giving up smoking, or exercising more) and he was a paternal type, I think I’d be a bit pleased.

But I can’t see how that context would be similar if it’s in a gynae context!!

YANBU
"Good girl" should be reserved for small children and pets, not an adult woman.

During my HCP training, my mentor told me 'good girl' too. He was at least 10 years younger than me. I told him that his comment was inappropriate.

Not saying that's the case but it's still very infantilising.

I think he probably just, like you say, was trying to be jokey and misjudged it. If he's otherwise a good doctor and you've no other concerns, I'd put it down to that and draw a line under it.

It's the kind of thing I could imagine jokily saying to a woman in my team at work if she was, I dunno, ill and I handed her some tablets and a drink and I was like "Good girl!" when she took them cos she hates taking tablets. Orrrr if my best friend said she'd finally sorted her fucking tax return out I might jokily say it, like it's a kind of joke-patronising way of being like, in this scenario I am the grown up and you've done the thing you needed to do even though you didn't want to. And the joke is that, obviously you're an adult and don't need a pat on the back...

I'm not saying it's a good joke, or appropriate for the setting, but I could potentially imagine saying it, and maybe he just kind of slipped from uber-professional to more casual. He's probably mortified!

I think you could be being a bit over sensitive. It’s not the best choice of words but also maybe he was trying to lighten the mood. I’d let it go.

YABU. He’s trying to be nice to you, although it is patronising he won’t have meant it.
I call all my patients young and old, male and female sweetheart sometimes, it slips out accidentally! We’re in Yorkshire though where grown men call each other love😀
If he’s otherwise a good caring doctor let it slide. If he does it again make a joke showing you don’t like it- say you wish you were a slip of a girl still but alas no!

@Wtfdoctor

That's even worse than I imagined. The idea that being compliant and doing as your told means he will inflict less pain upon you.

Complain

@Wtfdoctor

Context - "As you're such a good girl, I'm going to prescribe X which is a smaller needle and hurts less".

I have never commented on the needle before so it's also an odd thing to say because not relevant. Perhaps he momentarily confused with someone else and they have a bit of an in joke or something?

Oh see yeah, I would see that as him telling you he's chosen a smaller needle to save you pain, but couching it in the kind of jokey doctorly manner he might speak to a kid in the surgery - the joke is he's acknowledging he's done something to make it less 'scary' or painful, and that's the kind of thing you'd do for a kid who was scared.

Like I said, not a good joke, but not an (intentionally) creepy one I don't think.

Could he have a young daughter at home? I have to stop myself from giving cbeebies level enthusiastic praise to colleagues at work sometimes, I'm just tired and spend a LOT of time with my young dc.

Urgh no now you've updated that sounds worse. As in if you were a 'bad girl' (boak) he would have inflicted totally unnecessary pain on you? Really creepy! Not sure what to say though as probably the best time to address it would have been when he'd said it but understand it's hard when you're thinking 'WTF' at the time!

It's up to you to decide how to progress - as other PPs have said if he's otherwise a good doctor and it doesn't make you too uncomfortable to continue I would be tempted to stay with him and get your treatment. You can always raise it as a concern at a later date. But fully understandable if you don't feel comfortable with him.

My midwife kept saying good girl, which I found deeply infantalising but was in too much agony to say anything

Yeah, with the context my ice-factor went up even further. So what, if your'e not compliant he'll stick you with the big needle?! I am sure that's NOT the case, but ick ick ick.

Having said that, I did have a mini outburst at Starbucks on the weekend because not only was the assistant rude, he called me, "my darling" 12 times in 3 minutes. Which I'm sure a LOT of people would think was me being OTT (I noticed that while the staff were a bit shocked, they all looked like they were thrilled someone said it. I also noticed there were NO women working in that store and I saw at least 7 staff so I have to wonder.....)