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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My doctor just called me a good girl and I died a bit inside

254 replies

Wtfdoctor · 08/11/2021 16:46

I just pretended he hadn't said anything - I don't know what the actual fuck got into him, I think he thought he was being funny or charming or something and I think I was expected to smile and find it funny. But no. It wasn't funny.

He is normally a good doctor who to be fair to him has sorted out a major problem for me because he does actually listen and did blood tests to find out my issue. I generally felt very comfortable with him before this but don't know now at all if I'd feel comfortable going forward. The clinic is hormones/ fertility etc. One of the procedures he recommended I have done is a transvaginal ultrasound and I don't think I can have him do it now.

I just feel really uncomfortable and foolish when I think about it. Am I being oversensitive? I have a lot going on at the moment and wonder if I'm being unreasonable to question having him as my doctor anymore.

OP posts:
ThinWomansBrain · 13/11/2021 16:27

He probably said it to lighten the mood a bit given people are often anxious with needles/medication.

It wouldn't lighten the gloody mood for me - I'd be incensed.
It doesn't sound as if he is being jokey - comes across as being part of his normal misogynistic talking down to female patients.
If he doesn't realise that is is unacceptable, unprofessional and insulting, someone needs to tell him. I realise that the moment has passed, and you may not have felt like doing it face to face - but do follow it up through PALS or similar.

scottishnames · 13/11/2021 19:01

FFS OP - yes, it's far from ideal but 'died a bit inside' is a million percent cringeworthy.

I am NOT NOT NOT blaming the victim (you) , but we're only going to get inappropriate phraseology changed if we choose decent adult language ourselves.
Why not say 'I felt it was not respectful of my feelings.' That's what you meant, surely?

peaceanddove · 13/11/2021 19:18

YABU.

A few years ago I saw a very old-school, consultant gynaecologist with rooms just off Harley Street. Despite me being well into my 40s he often called me 'young lady' and 'my girl'.

It didn't bother me one single bit because he accurately diagnosed me and cured me. Which was something that none of the many, many (very politically correct) doctors had managed to do.

TheKeatingFive · 13/11/2021 19:36

It didn't bother me one single bit because he accurately diagnosed me and cured me. Which was something that none of the many, many (very politically correct) doctors had managed to do.

So because he did his job it's okay that he treated you in a misogynistic, paternalist fashion? Really? Nothing will change if we carry on like this.

peaceanddove · 13/11/2021 19:52

So because he did his job it's okay that he treated you in a misogynistic, paternalist fashion

At least he did his job. None of the umpty dozen other doctors did.

I needed him to be a doctor and bloody cure me. I didn't need him to bloody affirm my societal position as his equal FFS. That's no one else's job but my own, thanks. And I am perfectly confident that I am anyone's equal.

TheKeatingFive · 13/11/2021 19:55

At least he did his job. None of the umpty dozen other doctors did.

Take it up with them then.

I needed him to be a doctor and bloody cure me. I didn't need him to bloody affirm my societal position as his equal FFS

Then common acceptance of misogyny and patronising behaviour towards women will continue. Be part of the solution.

peaceanddove · 13/11/2021 20:16

I don't need to be part of the solution. If men want to try and be my equal then they're welcome to aspire.

TheKeatingFive · 13/11/2021 20:21

*I don't need to be part of the solution. If men want to try and be my equal then they're welcome to aspire.

I'm not sure you've grasped the reality of the situation.

You'd be happy with them calling you good 'girl' when it wouldn't even occur to them to call a man a good 'boy'

The nice spin you're putting on it in your head is irrelevant to the reality of what's happening in society and what that means for women more broadly

peaceanddove · 13/11/2021 20:24

Yeah, right, whatever.

Sillawithans · 13/11/2021 20:51

This wouldn't bother me at all

Rosebel · 13/11/2021 21:12

It's fucking irratating. My manager actually did this today. For some reason I find it even worse as I'm probably old enough to be his bloody mother.
I gave him a cold stare as tbf I was too stunned to think of a reply.

Newhorizon21 · 13/11/2021 22:10

YADNBU

milkyaqua · 13/11/2021 22:38

Goodness me! Like goodness me, it is an oldfashioned expression meaning no-one any harm. In the context, he was making a little joke.

Of course, if you don't feel comfortable for whatever reason having a TV ultrasound with him or anyone else, then don't do it. It seems odd to have decided that beforehand, and then start this thread.

I feel sad that this otherwise good doctor has now been painted as a paternalistic misogynist.

namechangetheworld · 13/11/2021 23:49

Absurd overreaction in my opinion. How on earth some of you get through life being in such a constant state of moral outrage I'll never understand.

And why bother starting the thread at all, since you've obviously already concluded that he's a filthy old pervert?

CecilieRose · 13/11/2021 23:53

I have not RTFT but I've skimmed the first few pages and am alarmed by how many people are all 'depends on the context'.

There is not one single context in which it would be acceptable for a doctor to call an adult patient a good girl. Not one.

CecilieRose · 13/11/2021 23:56

@namechangetheworld

Absurd overreaction in my opinion. How on earth some of you get through life being in such a constant state of moral outrage I'll never understand.

And why bother starting the thread at all, since you've obviously already concluded that he's a filthy old pervert?

It IS pervy. And unbelievably patronising. It's a fucking weird thing to say to a grown woman.

Amazing how you've internalised so much misogyny that you see nothing wrong with an adult woman being treated like a silly little girl instead of an equal.

LizzieW1969 · 14/11/2021 00:20

@CecilieRose

I have not RTFT but I've skimmed the first few pages and am alarmed by how many people are all 'depends on the context'.

There is not one single context in which it would be acceptable for a doctor to call an adult patient a good girl. Not one.

I agree. I can’t believe so many posters wouldn’t have a problem with this. Confused
PrincessNutella · 14/11/2021 04:31

I'll bet you have good reason to feel creeped out, OP, and I'll bet it includes the doctor's tone of voice as well as the comment. Ugh.

Bell25 · 14/11/2021 07:57

Omg awful 🤣🤣.
I feel sorry for him a bit, maybe it was an accident, I once accidentally referred to a teacher at school as ‘Mum’ I still die inside when I think about it.
A young male flight attended referred to my 60 year old mum on a place recently as ‘Sweetie’ it was hideous but we had a laugh.

Newhorizon21 · 14/11/2021 08:28

@TreaslakeandBack

YABU. He’s trying to be nice to you, although it is patronising he won’t have meant it. I call all my patients young and old, male and female sweetheart sometimes, it slips out accidentally! We’re in Yorkshire though where grown men call each other love😀 If he’s otherwise a good caring doctor let it slide. If he does it again make a joke showing you don’t like it- say you wish you were a slip of a girl still but alas no!
I understand your point, but there is professional HCP advice to stop calling people sweetheart, Iove, dear, etc, not everyone likes this, just because it's always been so, YABU
Ebony69 · 14/11/2021 09:20

The doctor’s use of the term is clearly inappropriate, as most of us have acknowledged. But in the scheme of things, taking into account his age and the fact that he is otherwise a good doctor, unless it has triggered a subconscious unresolved trauma (which is entirely possible), the OP’s disproportionate reaction is an indication of privilege; how privileged one must be to be in a position get so upset over this incident. As for calls to make a complaint? Utterly ridiculous.

FateHasRedesignedMost · 14/11/2021 10:16

It’s hardly an offensive comment or a reason to refuse a TV US! A bit patronising but maybe he said it absent mindedly.

I said ‘good boy’ to a patient once, accidentally (I was just back from mat leave and being around adults was a shock). Luckily he laughed and pointed out he was 45, and I apologised.

I once had a male nurse say to me ‘I bet you’d like a pink cannula to match your nail varnish’ I was a bit taken aback (I’m in my late 30s!) but guessed it was all part of his patter to help the patient relax/smile. Either that or he’d been in paediatrics the shift before!

Vynalbob · 14/11/2021 10:18

I'd ignore it...it's likely not being said in malice... if repeated then maybe a "long time since I was a girl doc but thanks" (in a sarcastic tone) might help.
Or it maybe accidental.... I once said cheers pet to someone's helpful comment... then realised I'd said it to an old bloke👀🙄

peaceanddove · 14/11/2021 11:22

When my Mum was dying in hospital she had the most wonderful male, Spanish nurse who regularly called her 'my darling girl'. I thought it was lovely.

Lanareyrey · 14/11/2021 12:19

Let it go. He was trying to be nice as in you're a good patient type nice.