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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My doctor just called me a good girl and I died a bit inside

254 replies

Wtfdoctor · 08/11/2021 16:46

I just pretended he hadn't said anything - I don't know what the actual fuck got into him, I think he thought he was being funny or charming or something and I think I was expected to smile and find it funny. But no. It wasn't funny.

He is normally a good doctor who to be fair to him has sorted out a major problem for me because he does actually listen and did blood tests to find out my issue. I generally felt very comfortable with him before this but don't know now at all if I'd feel comfortable going forward. The clinic is hormones/ fertility etc. One of the procedures he recommended I have done is a transvaginal ultrasound and I don't think I can have him do it now.

I just feel really uncomfortable and foolish when I think about it. Am I being oversensitive? I have a lot going on at the moment and wonder if I'm being unreasonable to question having him as my doctor anymore.

OP posts:
rwalker · 08/11/2021 19:21

Probperly on auto pilot and you were a long line of people he'd seen all day .

DameMaureen · 08/11/2021 19:29

@Dumbledoresgirl

Jesus, I am the least woke person I know but I would consider being called a good girl by anyone but my one remaining parent extremely belittling and creepy. I cringe whenever my boss says good morning girls to me and my coworkers, not one of which is under 40. I probably wouldnt complain or stop seeing an otherwise competent doctor, but if it was said more than once I think I would have to quietly say something to indicate a bit more respect was needed.
Have you said anything to your boss about this ?
thepastisanothercountry · 08/11/2021 19:29

@BingoandBluey

Could he have a young daughter at home? I have to stop myself from giving cbeebies level enthusiastic praise to colleagues at work sometimes, I'm just tired and spend a LOT of time with my young dc.
This made me smile. A colleague once handed me a report they'd spent ages on - first thing Monday morning and I said absently "That's lovely, you must have worked very hard, now tell me all about it!"

OP I don't think he meant it as a sinister thing, it just sounds like a joke that fell flat on its face. If he's otherwise a good doctor, let it go or maybe when you see him tell him "You've been such a good boy I'm going to let you carry on treating me for now"

Original poster
Wtfdoctor · 08/11/2021 19:32

That’s your prerogative, the alternative would be to confidently assert yourself should he try another remark or otherwise forgive and forget. It’s a healthier way to see the world.

Respectfully - that may be the healthy approach for you, it would not be for me. We are all different and things are rarely black and white. I have already been quite honest that I am emotionally vulnerable in medical contexts at the moment.

The healthier thing for me is to not put myself in a position where I feel unsafe, ie doing a TV ultrasound with him. Similarly, the healthier thing also involves maintaining the working relationship with this doctor at a level I am comfortable with because he prescribes vital meds, is very knowledgeable and I simply do not have the energy to do anything else at present.

THAT is the healthiest thing for me, so I can maintain my health as best I can with the limited amount of energy I have available to me at the moment - sorry, but we are all different, coming from different scenarios.

'Forgiving and forgetting' just sounds like it would be an attempt for me to minimise my own feelings and pretend they didn't happen - that approach doesn't work for me.

OP posts:
MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 08/11/2021 19:33

@Wtfdoctor

Context - "As you're such a good girl, I'm going to prescribe X which is a smaller needle and hurts less".

I have never commented on the needle before so it's also an odd thing to say because not relevant. Perhaps he momentarily confused with someone else and they have a bit of an in joke or something?

That's a joke! Most GPs haven't got a clue what size needle you get with any particular drug, as we rarely give the injections ourselves. And it wouldn't even make sense, medically as, in fact, injections through small needles can be more painful, due to fluid dynamics.

I totally get the cringe, and I understand why you weren't sure if he was joking, but I am 99.9999% sure it was a badly delivered joke.

TheLikesofMe · 08/11/2021 19:33

You say he sorted out a problem for you because, "he actually listened"

This implies that other doctors didn't.

I have had a useless female doctor who would never have said "good girl" and ticked every box there was on how to deal with a patient.

Eventually, a very "unwoke" and crusty old git of a doctor sorted it out and my life moved forwards.

So, when it comes to health, I would rather have the doctor that knows what they're doing, who listens but calls me "darling" rather than someone who couldn't find their arse with both hands but knows not to call a female patient "good Girl"

Stop and think. You have found someone who actually helped you and unless you fear that his "good girl" comments means he will be finding your vagina a turn-on, stay with him.

Don't risk your health on the altar of this woke nonsense. Rather have the ick than the death!

tallduckandhandsome · 08/11/2021 19:34

YANBU, it’s porny language when used for adult women, so totally gross 🤮

Please don’t ignore your instincts, I’m glad you won’t let him do the procedures on you anymore.

tallduckandhandsome · 08/11/2021 19:35

@TheLikesofMe

You say he sorted out a problem for you because, "he actually listened"

This implies that other doctors didn't.

I have had a useless female doctor who would never have said "good girl" and ticked every box there was on how to deal with a patient.

Eventually, a very "unwoke" and crusty old git of a doctor sorted it out and my life moved forwards.

So, when it comes to health, I would rather have the doctor that knows what they're doing, who listens but calls me "darling" rather than someone who couldn't find their arse with both hands but knows not to call a female patient "good Girl"

Stop and think. You have found someone who actually helped you and unless you fear that his "good girl" comments means he will be finding your vagina a turn-on, stay with him.

Don't risk your health on the altar of this woke nonsense. Rather have the ick than the death!

Nonsense, there are other doctors. No one has to accept ‘a crusty old git of a doctor’ calling them ‘darling’.
Verfremdungseffekt · 08/11/2021 19:35

@AutumnAlmanack

He was just trying to put you at ease and comfort you. Why do people have to analyse everything. To be honest, I'd love it if a doctor, dentist or nurse said this to me - makes you feel comforted and cared for.
If being specifically addressed as a young child by a medical professional when you’re an adult makes you feel ‘comforted and cared for’, I’d be doing a bit of self-analysis. Hmm
phonetica · 08/11/2021 19:39

I don’t think it’s a huge stretch to want a competent doctor who doesn’t call you good girl

TheLikesofMe · 08/11/2021 19:39

@ I'll accept a doctor who can cure me and alas, there is not so many of them about.

mumwon · 08/11/2021 19:40

How about this - say to him next time - "look, please understand, I really find it irritating when people refer to me as a good girl & you should know that most women feel the same, even if they don't say anything"
To be honest, unless he was creepy acting I would ignore it -possibly because I have come across far worse behaviour from a woman gynaecologist
Now she was a complete bitch

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 08/11/2021 19:40

"As you're such a good girl, I'm going to prescribe X which is a smaller needle and hurts less".

That sounds like a sarcastic/jokey kind of thing to say. If you want to get offended though then nothing we can say will stop you, I guess you'll just take any pp agreeing with you as a back up to the offence that you want to take.

TotallySuper · 08/11/2021 19:43

[quote TravelLost]@TotallySuper, you REALLY, I mean REALLY, have met a man before who said his consultant called him ‘good boy’?

You’ve actually met someone, anywhere, who is calling a grown man ‘good boy’??

Because I have never in my life seen or heard about anything like this.

Calling a woman ‘good girl’ is rife though….[/quote]
Men probably wouldn't think to mention it or notice it because they've probably got a grip and don't mind it. Same as men calling each other "mate" all the time.

RaininSummer · 08/11/2021 19:43

A really nice fatherly doctor once told me that he liked my earrings. It really threw me to be honest when it was probably a throw away comment to put me at ease. I think my subconscious was saying that he was observing me too closely and it made my uneasy.

Tal45 · 08/11/2021 19:52

I once had a doctor that I went to see about something completely unrelated ask me if I checked my breasts and suggest he did a breast examination (I was early 20's) it wasn't until talking to someone else about their creepy doctor that I started to wonder why I needed a breast exam at 23, he covered his back by having a nurse sit in but did I really need an unsolicited breast exam when breast cancer is most common in over 50's?

You have to do what's right for you - perhaps ask for a woman to do it if that might be more comfortable?

tallduckandhandsome · 08/11/2021 19:56

@Tal45 he was an utter cunt, sorry you went through that. Was this a few years ago or longer?

Onemorebaby · 08/11/2021 19:59

I think he meant you've been following the medical advice and know what you're doing so it's a jokey compliment. My initial reaction wasn't offence. I think it was just a throw away comment whilst he was sorting your prescription out or something. If it bothers you, just chuck a sarcastic comment back to put him in his place. Now now I'm not a dog or something like that. Just evens the dynamics out again and you can see if you feel better. I wouldn't not use this doctor if I was otherwise happy and able to subtly address the situation.

tallduckandhandsome · 08/11/2021 20:03

This continual advice to woman to push their discomfort deep down and persevere in the face of ‘jokey compliments’ and ‘throw away comments’ is so depressing.

Allaboutthecake · 08/11/2021 20:04

The context he said it in was creepy and possibly flirty sounding. Totally inappropriate.

SamosaSammy · 08/11/2021 20:07

For some people it's just their turn of phrase...i think it can also be regional.

I once sat in at a Drs appointment where the Dr said 'good girl' after the patient confirmed she was taking her tablets regularly. Dr was in his 60's, the patient was my 90 year old nan...although she was tickled pink at being called a girl by the 'young handsome' Dr 😂

Same Dr also used 'Good lad' with the porters so it didn't seem sexist or ageist...just the way he spoke.

SnackSizeRaisin · 08/11/2021 20:09

Seems creepy and unprofessional to me. There are ways to make light-hearted comments and put people at ease without being sexist, patronising and creepy. Also, regardless of what anyone on here says, you were the one who was there and heard him say it. If it's making you uneasy you should trust your instincts.

Bizawit · 08/11/2021 20:10

@Wtfdoctor

Context - "As you're such a good girl, I'm going to prescribe X which is a smaller needle and hurts less".

I have never commented on the needle before so it's also an odd thing to say because not relevant. Perhaps he momentarily confused with someone else and they have a bit of an in joke or something?

Omg that’s so creepy.
Theythinkitsalloveritisnow · 08/11/2021 20:31

Bloody hell Mumsnet can be an unpredictable place. I often see threads where I think people have overreacted to something, but I'm honestly surprised so many people think this is fine.

You're a good girl so I'm not going to hurt you ?Hmm . Innocent remark? It's possible but it doesn't seem likely, he's a doctor and so in a position of power, he should not be saying things like this. A PP said he probably felt a bit of a frisson and I agree he probably did. I'd prefer not to be involved in my doctor's personal fetishes.

I know, I know, I need to get a sense of humour Hmm. Who knows, maybe I'll get hysterical

VladmirsPoutine · 08/11/2021 20:32

So after finally getting a doctor who listened to you and got you on track to getting sorted you now feel unable to carry on because of his comment. I can't say he'll suffer any more than perhaps someone having a word with him and you'll find yourself potentially all the way back at square one with all but a hope the next doctor is a good'un.