My doctor just called me a good girl and I died a bit inside

[Wtfdoctor]

I just pretended he hadn't said anything - I don't know what the actual fuck got into him, I think he thought he was being funny or charming or something and I think I was expected to smile and find it funny. But no. It wasn't funny.

He is normally a good doctor who to be fair to him has sorted out a major problem for me because he does actually listen and did blood tests to find out my issue. I generally felt very comfortable with him before this but don't know now at all if I'd feel comfortable going forward. The clinic is hormones/ fertility etc. One of the procedures he recommended I have done is a transvaginal ultrasound and I don't think I can have him do it now.

I just feel really uncomfortable and foolish when I think about it. Am I being oversensitive? I have a lot going on at the moment and wonder if I'm being unreasonable to question having him as my doctor anymore.

Many, many doctors have poor social skills and struggle to build rapport with patients. But a little constructive feedback on choosing another way of doing so would not be amiss.

Wow.

I think you should have said something there and then but that's because I would have done.

If he is a good doctor who has been helpful and professional up until now I wouldn't change doctors because of one slip up, but then nor would I have 'died a bit inside' or felt uncomfortable or foolish.

Only you can decide if it's worth losing someone who knows you and your history over. When I was going through fertility issues all my TVUs were done by female members of staff.

@TravelLost

Nope I didn’t Glass because I dint have a TV 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

But I can also tell you that medical students actually have classes with medical actors to work on their ‘social graces’. They are also working with patients day in and day out. Social graces etc… isn’t something that is an add on to their work. It’s the very core of their work.
Imagine that guy having to tell a patient they have a life limiting illness and only have 6 months to live. Would that be ok too for said consultant to handle it badly ‘because he is socially awkward’? How on Earth would be able to cope with that if he is nervous with a patient in a totally normal circumtances?

So 1 commercial, ONE, out of thousands, is enough to deduce this man doesn’t have the social graces for his job?

Have you ever said something then squirmed afterwards? Said the wrong thing because you were distracted by something else? Tried to be funny and failed?

MN has the most ridiculous standards by which a person’s life and character can be debased by one phrase, one utterance, one minor action - it’s enough to deduce that person is a bad person, incompetent, a raging misogynist, a bad friend, a controlling other half.

There is not a single person alive who if they had their every action and word scrutinised by MN they would be deemed a ‘good person’.

It’s absolutely ridiculous and so exacting and unforgiving of human nature, that it is actually very bad for your mental health to live in that mindset.

I refuse to cast aspersions on this man because of one borderline comment. If you do, as I said, you best be confident you have never made such an error. I bet you have.

Omg get a grip!! It's clearly meant as a joke 🙄 bloody hell this wokery needs to end.

Agreed! All I see here is drama, making a mountain out of a molehill and over-reacting!

I'll suggest stepping away from mumsnet a while to get a bit of perspective. Making a big deal about nothing.

Crikey me. I wouldn't have batted an eyelid at this. 'Good girl' could be used to belittle and patronise but unless he was accompanying the phrase with actions e.g. dismissing and minimising your health concerns, then I would just assume a joke to put you at your ease. I don't imagine he would use the same language with a man but I can totally see a female HCP doing the same with a male patient (and think I have).

As in the joke is in the faux patronising comment because you're an adult and can handle a big needle but he's being considerate.

^ that would be how I would have taken it.

Congrats OP, you've just discovered he's not perfect, like everybody else. Hardly the crime of the year to say what he said. You can read anything you want into it, I doubt that was his intention.

There are actual issues to get worked up about - this isn't it. I agree with pp, this is 'wokery' gone wrong and YAB completely ridiculous.

@VainAbigail

I’m not sure that this is something to write off a great doctor for.

^^this.

I say it to my friend all the time..it wasn't meant in a creepy way if you ask me. My GP has said it to me many times over the years and Im 53!
Some people say it and some people don't, there's nothing underlying in it. I think you are being a bit silly.
I doubt your doctor would risk his huge salary just for this! It's purely part of his personality for heaven's sake.

Jeez let it go.
If that is all you have to complain about, you are extremely lucky.

I did have a very inappropriate comment and action done by a male GP which I should have pulled him up on.my youthfulness got in the way.

“ Good girl” is a bit patronising, but it isn’t harmful.

As you're such a good girl, I'm going to prescribe X which is a smaller needle and hurts less

Sounds like a sadist on a power trip.

Seriously, what kind of answer does he expect?
"Oh no, I've been a bad bad girl, could you please prescribe me the one with the big hard needle instead?"...
Or "Thank you for your infinite generosity, oh graceful provider of relatively pain-free life-saving drugs"?

As a rule of thumb, if a comment:

• makes the recipient uncomfortable
• does not call for any particular answer or reaction (and in fact, it's hard to think of a suitable answer/reaction)

Then odds are:

• it was said for the benefit of the speaker, not the recipient
• it should never have been said out loud

If a doctor had, for example, advised me to get more exercise and I returned to my next appointment and said I'd been running four times a week, I would take 'good girl' as meaning 'well done.' But in the context you've described, it's not quite appropriate.

I will keep him as my doctor for hormone and medication management but go elsewhere for gynae procedures.

MNetters may sneer at that but I'm frankly quite vulnerable emotionally in medical contexts right now, and will not set myself up to fail by going into a situation I feel doesn't work for me like a TV ultrasound with this doctor.

@Wtfdoctor

I will keep him as my doctor for hormone and medication management but go elsewhere for gynae procedures.

MNetters may sneer at that but I'm frankly quite vulnerable emotionally in medical contexts right now, and will not set myself up to fail by going into a situation I feel doesn't work for me like a TV ultrasound with this doctor.

only you can make the best decision for your care. Hopefully you get a better doc

So true about the standards on Mumsnet. Perfect hags with perfect lives looking for other perfect people in every sphere of life

Even as an ill-judged joke, this goes way beyond the acceptable. It's effectively saying 'I have the power to choose how much pain I cause you with this and I will choose (this time) to spare you some pain because you have been compliant (thus far)'.
I'm wondering if the big-needle product is cheaper and his thinking is going along the lines of 'she's having such a rough time and has done so well in this so I'll take the budget hit/get the flak for prescribing the pricier one' (obv I don't know exactly how the funding works, as I don't live in the UK, but where I am this sort of thing might be an issue). But it's come out with a completely different (and frankly horrible) emphasis.

IIWY, OP, I'd have to raise it at your next appt and see how he responded.

He was just trying to put you at ease and comfort you. Why do people have to analyse everything. To be honest, I'd love it if a doctor, dentist or nurse said this to me - makes you feel comforted and cared for.

@Wtfdoctor

I will keep him as my doctor for hormone and medication management but go elsewhere for gynae procedures.

MNetters may sneer at that but I'm frankly quite vulnerable emotionally in medical contexts right now, and will not set myself up to fail by going into a situation I feel doesn't work for me like a TV ultrasound with this doctor.

That’s your prerogative, the alternative would be to confidently assert yourself should he try another remark or otherwise forgive and forget. It’s a healthier way to see the world.

I think this is another example where the use of marginally sexist language belies an underlying issue of power imbalance.

I hope you are able to negotiate what you need op, while feeling comfortable with the people who treat you.

@Wtfdoctor

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Its a disproportionate reaction. As is telling someone to eff off. Both completely disproportionate btw, not just a little.

I passed an online exam once, that we had to take in a room in a controlled environment. I was the only female there (it was a trade exam for a predominantly male profession. A high level exam)
We had two hours, I finished it in 45 minutes and scored 100% and the examiner walked up behind me and said ‘we’ll aren’t you a clever little princess’

@1Micem0use

My midwife kept saying good girl, which I found deeply infantalising but was in too much agony to say anything

Interestingly there was a BMJ article a couple of years ago about language in maternity care and the use of ‘good girl’ to labouring women was mentioned.

I’ve seen it many times on OBEM as well and it’s just so incredibly odd, grown adult women being called good girl.

I would quietly switch doctors. You know if this gives you the ick. It sounds like it does because you don't want him to do transvaginal scans.

I come from a family of doctors. I always request female doctors or nurses for gynae procedures. Don't need that power trip patronising shit.