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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to not want to stay at wedding venue hotel

203 replies

UsernameAB12 · 08/11/2021 11:00

Wedding starts at 11.30 am and goes on until midnight. You can stay at wedding venue hotel the night of wedding. But the cost is between 110 - 160 pounds. Me and dh planning on staying until 7pm/8pm and travelling home (live about 80 miles away from venue). Mil things we should get hotel and we are being unreasonable, and if we don't use it we can give it to someone else. AIBU?

OP posts:
Sirzy · 08/11/2021 11:01

Who’s wedding is it? Do either of you have a roll in the wedding? Can you afford it?

KittenCatcher · 08/11/2021 11:02

If it's a family or close friend I would stay, the evening will be a disco or something like that, you might want to have a drink and stay.

Voord · 08/11/2021 11:02

Unless you’re the bride and groom, you’re not being unreasonable. And even if you were the bride and groom, you’re allowed to leave when you want.

Ask your mother in law to pay for the room if she feels so strongly about it.

Just10moreminutesplease · 08/11/2021 11:03

I think I’d feel rude leaving a wedding that early (unless I was ill or had another good reason).

Could you look for a cheaper hotel nearby?

nurserypolitics · 08/11/2021 11:04

Most weddings I've been to the meal wouldn't be over by 7/8pm, you'd either still be eating or listening to speeches. So I do think leaving that early would be rude, especially as it sounds like its a family wedding.

My parents used to always leave weddings at 11pm and drive home, even if the wedding was 3 hours away, they just preferred sleeping in their own beds: if you're only 80 miles surely that's manageable? I'd do that in your situation.

Original poster
UsernameAB12 · 08/11/2021 11:06

It's Bil wedding. We have an autistic son who could not manage that long at a wedding and would not behave for wedding ceremony etc. My mum and dad would look after him at home but he can be difficult at bedtime and during the night.

OP posts:
MakeMineALarge1 · 08/11/2021 11:06

Unless there is a back story, if you can afford it, I think you should stay. Seems a bit rude to leave before the evening party gets started.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/11/2021 11:06

Who gets married in the morning then expects a whole day and night thing? I’d need a nap.

Do what suits you. Nothing to do with MIL.

grapewine · 08/11/2021 11:07

I'd stay until after speeches and then leave. YANBU.

Lindy2 · 08/11/2021 11:08

7pm/8pm is very early to leave. I think it would be strange to leave before 10pm unless you have a specific reason.

You are not unreasonable to go home afterwards rather than stay in the hotel as long as one of you is happy to not drink so they are safe to drive.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 08/11/2021 11:08

Childcare issues are a legitimate reason to leave early. Presuming this is MILs grandchild, surely she must have some understanding of his needs?

Justmuddlingalong · 08/11/2021 11:10

Ignore MIL's demands. You and DH have decided what works best for you, so tell her it's not up for discussion.

Lindy2 · 08/11/2021 11:10

@UsernameAB12

It's Bil wedding. We have an autistic son who could not manage that long at a wedding and would not behave for wedding ceremony etc. My mum and dad would look after him at home but he can be difficult at bedtime and during the night.
Well there's your specific reason.

I'd let the bride and groom know you can't stay late beforehand (to be honest most couples at their wedding are so busy they'll hardly notice who leaves when anyway).

Talipesmum · 08/11/2021 11:11

If it’s your DH’s brother, is it possible for you to go home (with your son? Or back to your parents to relieve them before bedtime?) and for your DH to stay? I’d try everything to be able to stay at my sibling’s wedding for the whole time.

missmarplesapprentice · 08/11/2021 11:11

Think it depends on how close you are to the bride and groom but also how much that 110-160 pounds impacts on your personal finances.
To be honest, if it was a close friend or family wedding I would do it or look for a local cheaper option so I could stay later and not worry about driving back.

I have driven back about 60/70miles from events but I wouldn't have left as early as 7pm/8pm. Personal choice, I suppose.

MrsSkylerWhite · 08/11/2021 11:11

Cooed

“Ask your mother in law to pay for the room if she feels so strongly about it.”

This.

FreedomFaith · 08/11/2021 11:12

I wouldnt mind if you left early, would understand. I've offered guests to a room at the hotel if they would like one, but been upfront that it's not cheap and they are under no obligation to stay if they don't want to. Not forcing anyone when it's our wedding, but we also can't afford to pay for everyone's rooms as its bloody expensive. Grin

ilovesooty · 08/11/2021 11:19

Do what you need to do. It sounds as though you feel that you need to drive home.

LakeShoreD · 08/11/2021 11:19

Given your circumstances it’s perfectly understandable that you’d want to leave early. Your DS is BILs nephew so I’d expect him to understand but I would give a heads up first that’s what you’re planning on doing. However, given it’s a sibling’s wedding so a real one-off I think if it’s at all feasible then you should go home solo and leave DH to it. Perhaps MIL could contribute to your DH’s room if money is also an issue?

VickyEadieofThigh · 08/11/2021 11:27

Ahem. I believe very strongly that if a couple has a wedding, they have no right to demand that people pay for a hotel to attend it.

Neither do parents/PIL - unless they're prepared to pay for it on specific guests' behalf.

Briony123 · 08/11/2021 11:34

@UsernameAB12

It's Bil wedding. We have an autistic son who could not manage that long at a wedding and would not behave for wedding ceremony etc. My mum and dad would look after him at home but he can be difficult at bedtime and during the night.
So it's your son who is the reason, not the cost? You just don't stay overnight, don't bother explaining to anyone, just leave when you've had enough.
Original poster
UsernameAB12 · 08/11/2021 11:35

Aroundtheworldin80moves yes it's her grandchild. She isn't very understanding of his needs and gets annoyed he can't behave in restaurants etc and is very judgemental of his language delay and behaviour. And has in the past has said it was down to my patenting until we got the diagnosis.

Financially we could afford it, but I am a sahm due to caring for ds and would have to cut back on other things.

OP posts:
Shallwegoforawalk · 08/11/2021 11:36

Why didn't you put the followup info about your son in the original OP, that totally changes the situation and all the replies you will get.

Of course you can leave if your son needs you at night. MIL should understand this. I do agree that if it's possible in any way for DH to stay on longer if it's his family that would be good. However if not, MIL will just have to understand.

RosieLemonadeAndSugar · 08/11/2021 11:38

100% leave when you are ready and do what's best for you and your son.

ShirleyPhallus · 08/11/2021 11:38

If its DH’s brother I could see why MIL might think it’s a bit off of him to leave at 7pm to put his child to bed. Surely you could leave then and he could stay for the party?