Aibu to not want to stay at wedding venue hotel

[UsernameAB12]

Wedding starts at 11.30 am and goes on until midnight. You can stay at wedding venue hotel the night of wedding. But the cost is between 110 - 160 pounds. Me and dh planning on staying until 7pm/8pm and travelling home (live about 80 miles away from venue). Mil things we should get hotel and we are being unreasonable, and if we don't use it we can give it to someone else. AIBU?

I think your plan sounds fine OP.

I would have completely (as the bride) understood you leaving early for that reason/ really any reason tbh! We had 2 ppl show up very late to our wedding as they had work, I was told about it, I would have been annoyed if I didn't know as I would have wasted money on meals for them.

But as others have said, maybe discuss it with DH if he wants to stay. If it was my sibling I would want to stay.

I can see why she’d like her son to stay rather than leave early from brother’s wedding. Also if other people staying it’s nice for family to have breakfast together morning after.
Is your DS invited?
All you can do is speak to DH and agree what’s best for you. One option would be you coming away and him staying but that’s more transport costs.

Surely the most important thing is the actual wedding ceremony not the party afterwards.

If MIL wants to buy extra rooms and offer them to others that's really up to her.🤯

Go home to your DS. Ignore MIL.

Blimey, if I went to a wedding that started at 11.30 I'd be bored rigid by 4.

As it is such close family for your dh, I would say to him to get a room and organise how he gets home the next day (lift or public transport).

I would go with/without ds and then leave early myself with the car (if you have two cars even better, both drive down separately).

Yanbu. I rarely stay beyond first dance/ cake cutting unless I know a significant number of the other guest, I don't very much like dancing and rarely drink so there's not much left for me after that's all done.

I totally understand why you would need to get back for your son. It is more complex with close family and I suppose it would be better if either you could stay a little later so that the wedding was on to dancing stage or as second best if you drive home and DH stayed a bit longer. 80 miles isn't all that far. I don't see why you should be expected to spend that much money to stay at someone else's wedding, that's ridiculous. Having said that if it were a very close family member I wouldn't upset everyone by not paying however in your case I would drive home.

@RacketeerRalph

Yanbu. I rarely stay beyond first dance/ cake cutting unless I know a significant number of the other guest, I don't very much like dancing and rarely drink so there's not much left for me after that's all done.

It's her husband's brother. Not some random person they barely know.

OP I think you should go home if you want and your husband should stay

It seems to me that all Mil wants is for the room to be paid for.

That's what I'm thinking too. She's probably got one of her cronies someone lined up for it.

Clymene doesn't mean they'll know lots of people. I tend to find at family weddings, once the evening do starts the b&g are more focused on their friends than the family, and if it's a small family I often find the older generations have gone home.

Wow that's a long day!

Yes I would totally leave at 8pm and drive home. That's not early if you have been there since 11.30am. It's the same time as if you had a wedding at 2.30pm and stayed till 11pm. No one will complain or even notice; that's assuming you are not the best man. But even then it's fine.

Those who say the meal will not be done by 8pm - I would hope that with an 11.30 wedding you would be eating at about 2pm?

The extra info about your son makes it even more reasonable to leave at 8pm.

I know that generally MN loves a 'no is a complete answer' solution and there are expressions of horror at you having to explain your reasons. But back here in the real world that kind of abrasive response is going to cause ructions within a family.

You've mentioned both your son and the cost - so which is it? What's your reason for not wanting to stay?

Whatever it is, just be clear and tell them why you won't be staying. Fannying around with vague murmurs of childcare and money is just going to give the impression you don't want to go for no reason - which will mean you get the kind of confused!/frustrated response you have already.

I had a number of friends and relatives not stay at the hotel my reception was at. Some said it was too expensive. Some has childcare/work issues making it difficult. One friend has horrendous trouble sleeping in hotels in general and just disliked hotels. Some stayed in a PI down the road because it was £30 instead of £120.

No issue with any of those. However if a relative had just said 'nah don't think so' and gentle prompting hadn't shed any further light I would have been hurt because it kind of implies something negative about the bride and groom/wedding in general.

Just give a firm reason and that will likely be the end of it.

The B&G are undoubtedly under pressure to fill all the rooms to pay for the wedding. If MIL is that determined to help make the wedding affordable she should pay for the room herself.

In the same way that poems are supposed to take out the embarrassment of asking for presents, telling your guests that you'd love them to stay in the venue as you mean so much to them is the supposed polite way of saying we need you to chip in so that we can get the venue we want

@UsernameAB12

It's Bil wedding. We have an autistic son who could not manage that long at a wedding and would not behave for wedding ceremony etc. My mum and dad would look after him at home but he can be difficult at bedtime and during the night.

Perfect excuse to enjoy the wedding, leave early and come home to sleep in your own bed. Then have a treat with the money you saved.

You leave when you want to and tell MiL to butt out.

You've obviously got a good reason to leave but it's still pretty rude to leave that early tbh - especially as it's your brother in law.
If you need to leave early perhaps leave your DH (as it's his side of the family). I also think it's worth stumping up the cash for a room if you can afford it. By the time you've paid for taxis for a cheaper hotel you might as well have stayed. And then your child can go to bed early.

SamosaSammy did you pay for all your guests’ rooms? I’m surprised you would think a relative not staying at the hotel needs as excuse. Surely what important is a guest attending the actual
Wedding and reception?

@Hathertonhariden

The B&G are undoubtedly under pressure to fill all the rooms to pay for the wedding. If MIL is that determined to help make the wedding affordable she should pay for the room herself.

In the same way that poems are supposed to take out the embarrassment of asking for presents, telling your guests that you'd love them to stay in the venue as you mean so much to them is the supposed polite way of saying we need you to chip in so that we can get the venue we want

Exactly. Sounds like she wants you there to make things easier for BIL?

I think it's fine either way but, if we were in your situation, I would come home early by myself with DC and my DH (the groom's brother) would stay overnight. There's no way DH would have wanted to leave his own brother's wedding early. If the hotel rooms were too expensive, we'd look for somewhere cheaper nearby.

that is a VERY long wedding day if it starts at 11:20
look at it this way - if it was a 2pm service, you're suggesting leaving at 9:30pm. totally reasonable.

I think due to the 11.30 start you will not be the only ones looking to leave at that time.

That is a very long day!

I don’t get it, a wedding that goes for 12 hours. At that start time I’d be looking to leave early evening and would presume it would be a really late lunch.

I’m considerably the wrong side of middle age and have been to many weddings in my life and all that had dinner started mid-afternoon. Roughly 3.30-4.30 ceremony; 4.30-5.30 photos (guests find nearest pub or the venue accommodates people early); 5.30-6.30 people arrive at venue, bride and groom make the entrance, people sit for meal; 6.30-8.30 three course meal and speeches; 8.30-11 first dances then dance floor opens; 11-11.30 farewell to bride/groom, people exit venue by midnight. How the heck are they spinning this out to a 12hour wedding?

For a wedding starting at 11.30 it wouldn't occur to me to expect any guest to stay until late in to the evening reception. You will be there for the wedding and the formal reception, its not uncommon for people to leave at that stage.

It does sound like they have priced their venue expecting family to cover the costs.