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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to not want to stay at wedding venue hotel

203 replies

UsernameAB12 · 08/11/2021 11:00

Wedding starts at 11.30 am and goes on until midnight. You can stay at wedding venue hotel the night of wedding. But the cost is between 110 - 160 pounds. Me and dh planning on staying until 7pm/8pm and travelling home (live about 80 miles away from venue). Mil things we should get hotel and we are being unreasonable, and if we don't use it we can give it to someone else. AIBU?

OP posts:
UniBallEye · 08/11/2021 11:39

I don't know OP, it is your husband's brother's wedding. Would you do similar if it was your brother or sister?

At our wedding we had a country house that had a small number of rooms in the main house and then other cheaper accommodation on site (converted mews). My parents paid for family to stay in the main house - my grandmother, dh's mother and partner and his brother and wife. They were invited in advance of course and they knew that the cost was covered etc.

On the evening my MIL's partner decided he wanted to drive home (about 2hrs) and they left and then his brother announced that he'd taken a gig back in the city to dj at and hadn't bothered to tell us.

That left 2 empty but paid for rooms. Luckily some guests were planning on getting taxis home so we were able to shuffle things around and moved some family members who were in the mews to the house and gave the mews rooms to friends.

I know it is not the same situation and ours was fraught because of the rudeness to my family who had paid for the rooms but DH was hurt and pissed off that his family just left early.

Is there no way your dc could be left with your parents for 1 night? Family weddings are important imo.

Offmyfence · 08/11/2021 11:39

@UsernameAB12

It's Bil wedding. We have an autistic son who could not manage that long at a wedding and would not behave for wedding ceremony etc. My mum and dad would look after him at home but he can be difficult at bedtime and during the night.
Putting this in the opening post would mean that people would totally understand why you're not staying.

Obviously, if you are unhappy leaving your child, then you will go home.

Although, could you DH stay and get a lift back with someone the next day?

thisplaceisapigsty · 08/11/2021 11:39

You shouldn't have to answer to anyone about this decision as it's based on care for your child, which has to come first. Let the bride and groom know you will be leaving 'early' (I'd have had enough by 7/8pm) and you really don't need to explain unless they ask. I would have thought most family would be fully aware of your child's needs and have some sympathy.

Lasair · 08/11/2021 11:42

As it’s your husbands brothers wedding- I’d let him decide. I’d maybe let him stay on as well. It’s his brothers wedding.

MaggieFS · 08/11/2021 11:47

How can you give it to someone else if you don't use it? Surely everyone else will have their own bookings either there or elsewhere as they need?

Of course you can leave if you have childcare commitments.

(But check timings with B&G before committing to babysitters what time you'll be back. If you have any option to flex slightly it would be rude to leave mid meal, for example).

IntermittentParps · 08/11/2021 11:48

Your MIL can butt out. It's your child and you know how he will be.

Lottie4 · 08/11/2021 11:49

In your situation, I totally understand you want to return at that time.

Abouttimemum · 08/11/2021 11:53

I’d check with DH what he wanted to do if it’s his brother. I wouldn’t leave my sibling’s wedding at 7pm but also my DH brother did leave ours at about that time and it’s not a problem.
He had a reason and that’s fine. He doesn’t owe us anything, and if he hadn’t come to say goodbye and give hugs we probably wouldn’t have noticed as there’s just so much going on anyway.

rossclare · 08/11/2021 11:54

I don't understand why you didn't put the bit about your son in your OP, but did mention about the price.

Be totally honest - is the reason that you want to leave early because of your son or is it because you don't want to pay for the room.

Because if it's purely because of your son, then the price of the room is irrelevant.

2020Raquet · 08/11/2021 11:56

Some wedding hotels require you to take all of their bedrooms, particularly if you want exclusively. You then need to hope your friends and family book all the rooms otherwise the unbooked ones are added to the B&G’s bill. Could this be the case here?

Justilou1 · 08/11/2021 12:00

Fuck that shit. She can pay for the hotel, eat the crappy food and dance to horrible music with relatives she has to pretend she likes.

Offmyfence · 08/11/2021 12:06

@Justilou1

Fuck that shit. She can pay for the hotel, eat the crappy food and dance to horrible music with relatives she has to pretend she likes.
wow!

I thought OP wanted to get back to her son, not sure she mentioned any of those issues?

Not a wedding fan, I take it?

Berthatydfil · 08/11/2021 12:07

@2020Raquet
I thought the same as you.

It seems to me that all Mil wants is for the room to be paid for.
No one has the right to
A) demand anyone attend their wedding,
B) dictate how long guests stay
C)Whether guests stay overnight in accommodation in the venue, elsewhere or indeed go home

The reason is immaterial and you should be able to go home if you want without having to subsidise the B&G by paying for overnight accommodation you don’t want or need.

However you have an excellent reason to leave and Mil is a dick to expect you to be happy to pay for a room you aren’t going to be able to use.

RedToothBrush · 08/11/2021 12:07

Been in almost this exact situation twice.

The first time we were expected to stay at a play at £200 per night. We told them to sling it and stayed at somewhere a mile away for £60 and walked.

For the second time, we were not given details of the hotel until 3 days before the wedding; we'd be told we were staying there. We had been asking for months how much it was and where it was to no avail. When we got no answer we made alternative plans and told family to sling it.

They were pissed off on both occasions. We didn't care as we felt it was utterly inconsiderate in the first place to demand we stayed in this places and in truth we didn't want to stay there as a matter of priniciple as a result.

And yes we are still on speaking terms. Family don't make unreasonable demands anymore either.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 08/11/2021 12:10

Are the bride and groom getting some sort of deal if guests book out the hotel?

That's the only reason I can think of that your mother in law thinks you should pay for a room you won't use.

Say no.

Brainwave89 · 08/11/2021 12:13

If I were your BIL/bride I would fully understand you could not say, and could be grateful for the time you did spend. Nothing to do with MIL, who clearly has denial issues around her grandson's diagnosis.

19lottie82 · 08/11/2021 12:13

I’d be pretty upset if my brother left my wedding that early. Can your DH attend and you stay at home (or go and leave early) with your DS?

Wife2b · 08/11/2021 12:16

If you want to leave early, leave early. But please make sure the bride and groom know so they don’t include you in the catering costs.

Owlink · 08/11/2021 12:16

Leave when you want. This goes for any & every social occasion. Why should anyone else get to enforce their "rules of jollity"?

drpet49 · 08/11/2021 12:18

@Lindy2

* 7pm/8pm is very early to leave. I think it would be strange to leave before 10pm unless you have a specific reason.*

^No it isn’t. The wedding started at 11:30am. And no one should have to give a specific reason why they want to leave a wedding Hmm

Cosyblankets · 08/11/2021 12:19

Nothing to do with her

starfishmummy · 08/11/2021 12:20

I think it's difficult. I am old so remember when it was considered rude to leave before the bride and groom, but that was back when they made a big exit for "going away" and most people stayed on to party after they had gone. These days with the newlyweds staying all evening I think a lot of people make their excuses and leave earlier.

PurpleishDahlia · 08/11/2021 12:20

YANBU
8 hours is plenty of your time to celebrate someone's wedding.

Floralnomad · 08/11/2021 12:21

Of course it is not unreasonable , particularly as you have your son at home .

rookiemere · 08/11/2021 12:22

YANBU you'll have attended the ceremony and been there for the speeches, MIL doesn't get to dictate how you spend your money.