Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to not want to stay at wedding venue hotel

203 replies

UsernameAB12 · 08/11/2021 11:00

Wedding starts at 11.30 am and goes on until midnight. You can stay at wedding venue hotel the night of wedding. But the cost is between 110 - 160 pounds. Me and dh planning on staying until 7pm/8pm and travelling home (live about 80 miles away from venue). Mil things we should get hotel and we are being unreasonable, and if we don't use it we can give it to someone else. AIBU?

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 09/11/2021 10:56

I can't believe people would be offended if guests left a wedding mid evening after spending all day there. Shock

It sounds like MIL is hoping a spare room can be given to one of her friends, or she is pushing people to book the rooms so that BIL gets a discount on something wedding related.

grapewine · 09/11/2021 11:02

This is why I rarely go to weddings. It's a royal pain.

cakecakecheese · 09/11/2021 11:27

Your husband needs to tell his mother to shush. Can he go without you? I'm not sure I'd want to attend a wedding if she's going to be there harping on.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/11/2021 11:28

@londonrach

You don't have to stay but 7-8 is vvvvv early. Be ok to leave 10 ish
What difference does it make except to make the thing they're trying to avoid even harder? They need to get back to their son, how is turning up around midnight better than 10 and how can anyone be so self centered and blind about THEIR NEPHEW
SleepingStandingUp · 09/11/2021 11:32

DS doesn't have autism but up until probably 5 he couldn't tolerate parties. The music, the dark, the lights, it was just tot sensory overload and he'd be hysterical. I'm glad my family weren't as judgemental and self obsessed as some in here.

tabulahrasa · 09/11/2021 12:36

Why are people on here so miserable about weddings?

I mean, of course his brother is going to notice and care that he left early... it’s not obsessed or demanding or rude to be sad that your brother wouldn’t stay to the whole thing.

Especially when the option of just him staying exists.

And what sort of weird wedding finishes before midnight?

Yayaga · 09/11/2021 12:40

@tabulahrasa
It's part of "you do you" self care culture whereby the idea is to never put yourself out for a single second.

Its unbelievably miserable to not attend your brothers birthday (DP) through to the end. Leave your DC with family or a babysitter.

starrynight87 · 09/11/2021 12:41

Nah, go home.

ChargingBuck · 09/11/2021 12:52

But who makes up these rules, and why is 10 pm ok but 8pm not?

Unfathomable, @rookiemere. Suffocating & unfathomable.

But clearly so engrained in enough people that they feel entitled to bossily lay down their arbitrary opinion about a total stranger's wedding as if it were The One And Only Law ...

TrudyRuby · 09/11/2021 12:54

Your MIL wants you to book a hotel room, not use it and give it to someone else? Will they pay you for it?

I think it's perfectly acceptable to leave at that time, you'll have been there for all the main stuff.

MrsTulipTattsyrup · 09/11/2021 13:00

@tabulahrasa

Why are people on here so miserable about weddings?

I mean, of course his brother is going to notice and care that he left early... it’s not obsessed or demanding or rude to be sad that your brother wouldn’t stay to the whole thing.

Especially when the option of just him staying exists.

And what sort of weird wedding finishes before midnight?

My wedding started at noon and ended at about 5pm. It was completely wonderful and exactly what we wanted, and we were off on our honeymoon from the venue.

I could equally ask what sort of weird wedding would demand that people be there for twelve hours or more?

An invitation to a wedding is an invitation to witness a couple pledging their lives to each other, and to celebrate that. It’s fine to be there for just the ceremony; just the ceremony and the reception; or the ceremony, the reception, the embarrassing first dance, the disco and the sad, winding down bit at the end when everyone is exhausted but nobody feels able to leave.

If they care about the people they have invited, the bride and groom will be delighted to have their company for as much or as little time as they can spare.

rookiemere · 09/11/2021 13:07

What happens if OPs DH stays but has a headache necessitating him to leave the do early? Is that still bad form.
The OP and her DH have made considerable effort to go to this wedding, her DPs are looking after her DS - suspect his needs mean that a paid babysitter is not on the cards - forcing people to stay up until midnight at a wedding to prove their love, makes it sound more like a gulag endurance event.

saraclara · 09/11/2021 13:18

What would the actual groom and bride want you to do? Is it actually anything to do with MIL at all?

If the groom wants his brother to be there for the evening do, then I'd suggest that you drive back, and her DH stays. If the groom is understanding of his nephew's needs and okay (at least on the surface) with you leaving early, then MIL can keep her nose out.

ShirleyPhallus · 09/11/2021 13:18

You’d be upset even knowing he has a child with ASD at home?

Wouldn’t you be able to feel compassion for him and his wife that due to circumstances involving their child they had to leave early?

Serious question - is it not possible for just one parent to look after a child in these circumstances?

tabulahrasa · 09/11/2021 13:28

“I could equally ask what sort of weird wedding would demand that people be there for twelve hours or more?”

They don’t... that’s just a normal length wedding though.

But we’re not talking about everyone being held captive, or a random cousin you never see who was only invited to keep your granny happy.

It’s his brother - it’s pretty understandable that it might be a bit upsetting if he goes home really early.

rookiemere · 09/11/2021 13:35

@tabulahrasa might also be a bit upsetting for OPs DPs to have to manage her DS who has difficulties at nighttime, or for OPs family to have to make cutbacks to pay for an unwanted hotel room, or indeed Groom might be offended if OP doesn't come to look after their DS.

I genuinely cannot see why anyone would be offended by someone making a huge effort to attend the ceremony and meal, but leaving early evening because of very specific childcare issues, brother or not. If someone chooses to be upset by that, then that's on them really.

diddl · 09/11/2021 13:42

"It’s his brother - it’s pretty understandable that it might be a bit upsetting if he goes home really early."

Why?

He'll be partying with others.

MrsTulipTattsyrup · 09/11/2021 13:52

@tabulahrasa

“I could equally ask what sort of weird wedding would demand that people be there for twelve hours or more?”

They don’t... that’s just a normal length wedding though.

But we’re not talking about everyone being held captive, or a random cousin you never see who was only invited to keep your granny happy.

It’s his brother - it’s pretty understandable that it might be a bit upsetting if he goes home really early.

Every wedding is, thankfully, unique to the bride and groom. Too many people spend tens of thousands they can’t afford throwing lavish events because they feel they have to. A ‘normal’ wedding shouldn’t be a thing.
boredatlunch · 09/11/2021 13:55

So which is it? You don't want to or can't afford to pay for the hotel, or you want to get back to your son? Both fine by the way, but a pretty easy decision that I am sure all will be fine with. I would personally make an effort with close family, but only you know what's best for you.

rookiemere · 09/11/2021 13:58

I'm sure OPs DPs will be surprised to know that looking after her DC for the day and evening is deemed to be no effort @boredatlunch .

SleepingStandingUp · 09/11/2021 14:00

@tabulahrasa

Why are people on here so miserable about weddings?

I mean, of course his brother is going to notice and care that he left early... it’s not obsessed or demanding or rude to be sad that your brother wouldn’t stay to the whole thing.

Especially when the option of just him staying exists.

And what sort of weird wedding finishes before midnight?

Has op clarified that they have two cars? That they can both drive? That if she takes their one car he can otherswise get home? It's 80 miles, he can't just walk back in the morning
SleepingStandingUp · 09/11/2021 14:06

Its unbelievably miserable to not attend your brothers birthday (DP) through to the end. Leave your DC with family or a babysitter.
It's a wedding, not a birthday party
It's unbelievably miserable to put the needs of your YOUNG SN CHILD ahead of partying?
They ARE leaving the DS with their GPS, but DS who has autism struggles at night and that's likely to be made worse by Mom / Dad not being there.

Why does the needs to two adults surrounded by people they love take priority over a distressed kid?

derxa · 09/11/2021 14:22

@tabulahrasa

“I could equally ask what sort of weird wedding would demand that people be there for twelve hours or more?”

They don’t... that’s just a normal length wedding though.

But we’re not talking about everyone being held captive, or a random cousin you never see who was only invited to keep your granny happy.

It’s his brother - it’s pretty understandable that it might be a bit upsetting if he goes home really early.

Exactly. Don't go OP. Everybody will be happier.
sillysmiles · 09/11/2021 14:32

@tabulahrasa

Why are people on here so miserable about weddings?

I mean, of course his brother is going to notice and care that he left early... it’s not obsessed or demanding or rude to be sad that your brother wouldn’t stay to the whole thing.

Especially when the option of just him staying exists.

And what sort of weird wedding finishes before midnight?

To me, midnight seems like early for a wedding to finish and I'd be disappointed as a guest at a wedding if it finished up at midnight - but I'm not in the UK. It does also seem to be a particular MN thing that weddings are a chore and people attend under duress and never enjoy themselves.
TeeTotaller1 · 09/11/2021 14:39

@UsernameAB12

It's Bil wedding. We have an autistic son who could not manage that long at a wedding and would not behave for wedding ceremony etc. My mum and dad would look after him at home but he can be difficult at bedtime and during the night.
There's your reasoning for leaving early It's non negotiable and anyone with half a brain cell should understand why you'd want to leave early You'll be there to see them get married, and for a while after to catch up with other family members I'd be quite relieved to be buggering off at that time tbh, weddings that start early makes it hard going by the time the evening 'do' comes around and you probably won't be the only ones leaving earlier