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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to not want to stay at wedding venue hotel

203 replies

UsernameAB12 · 08/11/2021 11:00

Wedding starts at 11.30 am and goes on until midnight. You can stay at wedding venue hotel the night of wedding. But the cost is between 110 - 160 pounds. Me and dh planning on staying until 7pm/8pm and travelling home (live about 80 miles away from venue). Mil things we should get hotel and we are being unreasonable, and if we don't use it we can give it to someone else. AIBU?

OP posts:
EdgeOfTheSky · 08/11/2021 12:54

Given your son’s needs it is the only sensible thing to do!

tallduckandhandsome · 08/11/2021 12:56

My wedding started at 12 and finished at 10pm.

Guests had canapes on arrival, massive wedding breakfast at 4pm, followed by dessert.

And then another Dessert / sweet table afterwards.

Snacks in the evening.

I still get compliments on the food at the wedding.

BungleandGeorge · 08/11/2021 12:59

That’s a pretty standard wedding day if people are having the traditional type of do. For a sibling I’d make the effort. Could you take your son if you got a room? If you have to leave that night I think you need to push it to 9.30/10, you’ll still be back by 11. As someone said the meal, speeches and first dance are often not finished by then

Shamoo · 08/11/2021 12:59

What was your wedding like? I think it’s totally fine for you both to leave early and not pay (given your son) provided that your BIL wasn’t expected to pay to stay at your wedding. If you had a similar wedding and your BIL went along with it, I think your DH at the least needs to stay.

SamosaSammy · 08/11/2021 13:00

SamosaSammy did you pay for all your guests’ rooms? I’m surprised you would think a relative not staying at the hotel needs as excuse. Surely what important is a guest attending the actual
Wedding and reception?

No, none at all. Guests who wanted to stay paid, those that didn't were under no obligation.

I didn't think that guests needed an excuse. But I didn't pick randoms from the street to fill the seats! Everyone there was a close relative or close friend. There was much (guest initiated!) excited talk in WhatsApp groups/family gatherings etc in the run up about the day, staying, plans etc.

I'm not sure how others' relationships with their closest people are but mine are - well, close. I would never dream of saying a simple 'no thank you' to an invitation to a paid for event from one of my closest relatives or friends (as was the overnight stay at our wedding). You'd give a reason, naturally and automatically...to not do so would downright odd in RL.

SleepingStandingUp · 08/11/2021 13:02

If you don't want to leave your son overnight / don't think you can then it's end of discussion. Possibly one option is DH staying if you drive but otherwise you both go home.

Mulhollandmagoo · 08/11/2021 13:02

To be fair, a few people left our wedding after the meal, they didn't stay to the night do, people have their own reasons and I wasn't offended at all! you'll find the bride and groom wont be either, ignore your MIL, its not her wedding

OhPatti · 08/11/2021 13:10

@Just10moreminutesplease

I think I’d feel rude leaving a wedding that early (unless I was ill or had another good reason).

Could you look for a cheaper hotel nearby?

I don't think I'd have minded if someone had done that at my wedding, in fact I think several people did need to head off in the early evening due to long journeys. Surely the main thing is that the OP will have turned up and stayed most of the day?
amusedbush · 08/11/2021 13:10

My brother got married last week, it was 1pm to 1am. I am autistic and have (diagnosed by a psychiatrist) social anxiety disorder so there was no way I could have done the entire thing, plus with COP26 on at the moment, hotel prices are astronomical so staying over wasn't an option for me.

I left around 7.30pm and travelled the 50 miles home. My brother and SIL totally understood and were just pleased I was even able to attend and enjoy myself for the time I did.

I don't care if anyone thought I was rude. My family appreciate my circumstances and I was so overwhelmed and burnt out just from that I went home and slept for 12 hours.

ShinyHappyPoster · 08/11/2021 13:18

Does your DH not want to stay at his DB's wedding? Leaving at 7pm or 8pm is very early.
I'm not sure if the issue is wanting to be home for your DC or because of the cost. You've mentioned both which hints that it may be neither and just that you don't want to attend and are looking for reasons. It's one day and night.

Tulipomania · 08/11/2021 13:18

I think this current trend for 12-hour weddings is ridiculous!

OP can leave a few hours earlier if she wants - for any reason - and I'm sure the Bride and Groom wouldn't even notice.

ShinyHappyPoster · 08/11/2021 13:27

It's not a current trend. There are lots of cultures with long wedding days.

diddl · 08/11/2021 13:31

@MakeMineALarge1

Unless there is a back story, if you can afford it, I think you should stay. Seems a bit rude to leave before the evening party gets started.
Why?

They'd be there for the ceremony & the meal!

Mulhollandmagoo · 08/11/2021 13:41

@Tulipomania

I think this current trend for 12-hour weddings is ridiculous!

OP can leave a few hours earlier if she wants - for any reason - and I'm sure the Bride and Groom wouldn't even notice.

You're probably correct in that they wouldn't even notice. the evening reception is usually when friends and work colleagues etc. arrive and the B&G relax and let loose a little so I honestly wouldn't worry about offending
SinoohXaenaHide · 08/11/2021 13:45

Your childcare situation makes it perfectly reasonable to go at that time.

With an 11:30 ceremony the main meal will surely be mid afternoon - no one would leave their guests unfed between 11:30 and 7pm! I'd imagine that by 7/8 there might be some evening-only guests arriving, a lot of the elderly guests will be leaving and you won't be particularly missed.

I expect that MIL cares because the bride has guaranteed to the venue to occupy a specific number of rooms and if you don't cough up she will have to start marketing the spare room to other guests which is tiresome.

Wasn't there a Classic Mumsnet thread where someone was putting pressure on guests to fork out £300 per night or something ridiculous for rooms at the venue and it turned out the happy couple were effectively trying to force their guests to subsidise the venue fees by adding a premium to the room costs?

SleepingStandingUp · 08/11/2021 13:46

@Shamoo

What was your wedding like? I think it’s totally fine for you both to leave early and not pay (given your son) provided that your BIL wasn’t expected to pay to stay at your wedding. If you had a similar wedding and your BIL went along with it, I think your DH at the least needs to stay.
This only works if the BIL also has a child. with autism who won't cope well overnight without their parents.

Different people have different circs.

Saying "well DW and I stayed and OK we didn't have kids but now you should even if you son was will be distressed" is ignorant and actually bloody awful

Aprilx · 08/11/2021 13:48

I think it’s pretty rude to leave a siblings wedding so early, especially for the sake of what is a pretty inexpensive hotel room.

SleepingStandingUp · 08/11/2021 13:58

@Aprilx

I think it’s pretty rude to leave a siblings wedding so early, especially for the sake of what is a pretty inexpensive hotel room.
And a disabled child who is difficult to care for overnight.
MRex · 08/11/2021 14:01

I think you should let the bride and groom know that you'll be leaving early so that they are aware for catering.

ChargingBuck · 08/11/2021 14:15

Mil things we should get hotel and we are being unreasonable

MiL would do well to concentrate on her own arrangements for attending the wedding, & leave other adults to manage theirs.

It might help to decide you simply don't give a fuck about what she thinks about your choices, & crack on with what works for your own family. :)

brittleheadgirl · 08/11/2021 14:19

In your shoes I'd encourage dh to stay and enjoy the whole day with his brother etc and leave whenever appropriate.
Dh would do the same if it the situation was reversed!

sillysmiles · 08/11/2021 14:21

This is your DH's brother?

What does he want to do?

Have your parents said they would prefer you home for night time?

Personally leaving at 7/8pm seems very early to me, and I wouldn't want to do that, but really it is up to you and your husband.
Though as it's his brother and his family - I think what he wants is more important is this case than what you would like to do.

Jumpingintochristmas · 08/11/2021 14:27

Why on earth would you pay for a room to give it away Confused.

80miles isn’t too far, could you perhaps stay until 9pm?

LAMPS1 · 08/11/2021 14:31

If the wedding starts at 11.30am, there will presumably be a ceremony then some sort of an afternoon meal with speeches. I think it’s perfectly acceptable to stay for that but not to stay the night. Ask the groom what their time-line is for the day and then let them know you will be there for the main event but must be home for your son overnight and therefore won’t be able to stay late. That’s really quite a long day and I would expect other guests to drift off early too if they have been drinking all afternoon.

SpeedRunParent · 08/11/2021 14:46

My sister got married at a venue three weeks ago, some left at about 7 some stayed the night. My sister wouldn't have dreamt of being so self-absorbed as to have a problem with anyone leaving when they needed to. I cannot compute how entitled people are with other people's time these days.

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