Read this sex scene from Giles Coren’s failed novel!!!

[KentishTowner]

In his latest column in The Times Vile Coren is asserting that there are no successful white male authors any more. Yeah, sure, keep telling yourself that’s why your novel failed so spectacularly and you won The Bad Sex Award, Giles. Then read the actual, totally bizarre sex scene (the bit about the shower head!):

twitter.com/kirstysedgman/status/1454503687460638726?s=21

He's not serious? He CAN'T be serious.

I love him as a presenter but dear God that is truly awful.

That has to be a joke.

Did he have an editor? God that was awful writing!

Christ alive. His willy was jumping around like a shower head? Whilst still attached to him?

That is dire.

Giles Coren is a vile little oik.

I am constantly baffled that he is related to to his very talented late father, Alan, and equally talented and very cool (still living) sister Victoria, and sometimes have to check, just to be sure.

I can’t cope with it being one long sentence!!! Apart from ‘Like Zorro’, of course 😂

He does do self-mockery quite well though, tbf. I think that's what he's doing here.

That looks like a 'middle button' hitting frenzy.

I really, really struggled to make any sense of that, far too many repetitions of ‘and.’ If it were not for the sexual content I’d say it had been written by a school age kid. So bad

He's a mediocre, self indulgent wankerwriter and pretty revolting individual.

PMSL at the image of the willy flailing around everywhere spraying all over him

Jesus wept

As a 'journalist' is he not aware of the words per sentence count? Honestly, it's like a 12 year old boy wrote it.

"The literary equivalent of dry humping a cheese grater "
😂😂😂

If he was lying on his back and she got off his face and was trying to grab his penis, how the fuck could she simultaneously scratch his back with both hands? 🤔😂

Oh god you just know he was probably wanking ferociously as he was typing it as well. Erghhh.

Would explain the horrendous grammar as well

If you haven't already read his article about wanking, don't. It scars you for life.

The man and the lady went up the stairs AND then got into bed AND then his penis jumped around AND sprayed on her eyes AND her ears AND then his penis was somehow inside her AND it was jumping around AND then it was suddenly in her hand AND it was moving like a slinky AND then it was in her ear AND then his eye was burning AND then his hose was spraying again AND then she orgasmed AND he didn't even have to touch her AND it was just for looking at his spraying hose penis.

Any publishers around for my masterpiece?

That can't be real. Tell me this is a joke!

I read it out in my head in a child’s voice automatically because it reads like a child has written it.

Like them fucking Haribo adverts but worse

@Carolinechanning

The man and the lady went up the stairs AND then got into bed AND then his penis jumped around AND sprayed on her eyes AND her ears AND then his penis was somehow inside her AND it was jumping around AND then it was suddenly in her hand AND it was moving like a slinky AND then it was in her ear AND then his eye was burning AND then his hose was spraying again AND then she orgasmed AND he didn't even have to touch her AND it was just for looking at his spraying hose penis.

Any publishers around for my masterpiece?

I have nothing to do with the Nobel committee for literature, but if I did, you'd be up there.

Don't criticise his writing.
Seriously - amp.theguardian.com/media/2008/jul/23/mediamonkey

Was that whole thing one sentence?

He didn't actually write that though did he? It's made up it must be...