Read this sex scene from Giles Coren’s failed novel!!!

[KentishTowner]

In his latest column in The Times Vile Coren is asserting that there are no successful white male authors any more. Yeah, sure, keep telling yourself that’s why your novel failed so spectacularly and you won The Bad Sex Award, Giles. Then read the actual, totally bizarre sex scene (the bit about the shower head!):

twitter.com/kirstysedgman/status/1454503687460638726?s=21

Also worrying : he got a first class degree in ENGLISG, from Oxford...

Mind you, they probably all sat around in a self congratulatory fashion reading deeply misogynistic mid 20th century literature by white males as per Giles' beef about the demise of the white male author...

LOL , oops ENGLISH!

He is vile. How the Times has allowed him to continue says a lot.

@SoniaFouler

Ew. EWWWWWWWW.

That’s actually really disturbing.

Bad writing aside, I think Giles Coren is a weapons grade see you next Tuesday. See the Dawn Foster episode during the summer after Giles’ house got graffitied when he mocked the death of a 33 year old journalist: www.google.com/amp/s/www.standard.co.uk/news/uk/graffiti-giles-coren-death-dawn-foster-tweets-b947105.html%3famp

I appreciate the description of him as the “third best Coren”. After reading that and marvelling about how The Times employs someone who is not only a terrible writer but I terrible human I decided to listen to his podcast. Basically he and his wife, Esther (also a journalist) wang on about how monstrously unfair it is that they’ve both been subjected to criticism on Twitter:

play.acast.com/s/noidea/butlers-bigwordsandbacklash

They think that no one has the right to criticise them because they’re frightfully clever journalists and everything they say is just a joke. Giles sounds furious and Esther eggs him on.

play.acast.com/s/noidea/butlers-bigwordsandbacklash

Sorry - not you SoniaFouler, the extract about being on holiday with his daughter.

I just laughed. Surely that's (bad) satire? I've read more erotic cereal packets.

As someone who has suffered abuse, the way he wwrote about his daughter as deeply disturbing to read and I cannot believe something written about a child in that way was published.

Reading something like that is what can fuel abusers. The publication/publisher should be ashamed and as for vile Coren writing about a child in that context, I have no words (that wouldn’t get me banned).

@ErrolTheDragon

He does do self-mockery quite well though, tbf. I think that's what he's doing here.

He probably is. There is a podcast that is a precursor to his column that talks about this book, and he talks about the book and the bad sex award and he talks about how he picks and chooses what he does and years ago, he was offered what was at the time a huge amount of money to do something he didn't really want to do, £30k to write a book, so he took the money, did the least amount of work possible and the book faded into insignificance.

Why is he so reviled by everyone?

I have never read any of his musings.

He must be a virgin.

It's a parody @KentishTowner

It's meant to be awful.

Clearly very well done in terms of awfulness.

I can't believe anyone doesn't realise this is a huge wind-up!

If you haven't seen the programme he made on Sky it explains a lot. I actually thought he knew his novel was bad until the point when he went to a class of Creative Writing students at a university who had read it and gave him an honest review. His face crumpled and he looked like he was holding back the tears.

That blows my theory that he's just a wind up merchant and gets his kicks from being controversial (which explains disturbing article about his daughter.)

It appears that he is genuine and probably thinks he's a great writer. To be fair, I expect lots of people tell him this and he makes a living from it so he's just another example of the deluded offspring of a talented person.

It so strange that if a working class man wrote that about his daughter on Facebook he’d get reported to social services but a middle class made publishes it and everyone turns a blind eye.

I couldn't get past the first couple of lines. Too many ands.
Horrific writing!
Has anyone actually told him this?

Was that written by a 13 year old boy, imagining his wildest sexual fantasies?

There's a clip on the twitter thread which is to his editors berating them for editing his writing. Apparently an "a" was removed

Can't link or upload it just at the moment as phone low on power and might not last doing it. But I'll be back soon unless someone else finds it.

I often wonder how the wonderful David Mitchell copes with the vile little oik at family events. The only downside of being married to lovely Victoria

I imagine it's similar to the way Mark addresses Jez In Peep Show when he's being an insufferable cock.... or SuperHans when he's had too much smack

Oh my goodness. I am staggered that some one not only wrote that but that it was published.

The mind does boggle as to how that was even possible. The couple in question must have more than one set of hands and Willy.

I agree with the poster who wanted to show it to her students who lack confidence with their writing. It can’t possibly be as bad as that. It is a shame it is too wildly inappropriate to use in an educational capacity. One viewer described the book as being mostly about bums

The article about his sexy three year old daughter is just . Did no one say come on Giles we can’t put that in a newspaper.

@Piggywaspushed

Also worrying : he got a first class degree in ENGLISG, from Oxford...

Mind you, they probably all sat around in a self congratulatory fashion reading deeply misogynistic mid 20th century literature by white males as per Giles' beef about the demise of the white male author...

Anglo Saxon and medieval literature actually, 800AD onwards, it barely went up to Pinter.

How can a dick leap around like a shower head and rattle against teeth?!

That won’t win any literary awards..
Sounds like a teenaged boys fantasy.

Oh god. And Alexander Armstrong is his BIL too!

Love to think of Xander and David Mitchell bitching about him in the kitchen at family do's while he shows off in the drawing room to some glassy eyed Aunts and bored nieces.

Quite obviously the stuff about his daughter was deliberately outrageous. I’ve known quite a few blokes like this, whose aim in life is to be as shocking as possible. Usually clever, discontented ex public schoolboys. It’s very tiresome.

But actually, my own feelings about my three year old daughter aren’t a million miles from what he’s saying. I adore her completely, and that includes marvelling at her beauty and enjoying her physical presence. He chose a to express that in a goady and crass way, but I don’t think it makes him an abuser.

@JinglingHellsBells

It's a parody *@KentishTowner*

It's meant to be awful.

Clearly very well done in terms of awfulness.

I can't believe anyone doesn't realise this is a huge wind-up!

All the rest of his stuff may well be parody. I won't be reading any of it because of the romantic holiday with his three year old thing I've just read. That's not parody, that's disturbing and should never have been published.
Child abuse is not up for parody at any time but definitely not in print. What is wrong with him.

It's a wind up!