Read this sex scene from Giles Coren’s failed novel!!!

[KentishTowner]

In his latest column in The Times Vile Coren is asserting that there are no successful white male authors any more. Yeah, sure, keep telling yourself that’s why your novel failed so spectacularly and you won The Bad Sex Award, Giles. Then read the actual, totally bizarre sex scene (the bit about the shower head!):

twitter.com/kirstysedgman/status/1454503687460638726?s=21

I’m actually genuinely concerned for his child. Sexy and romantic? For fucks sake.

He did a documentary a few years ago looking at why his book failed, and there’s a hilarious bit where he’s listening in on a book club meeting discussing it.

He also talks to Jeffrey Archer, who asks him how many drafts he did of it. Unsurprisingly, it’s a first and only draft. It really begs the question about who the fuck was in charge of it on the editorial side at Penguin, someone he was at school with, probably.

The guy is an absolute weirdo

@GreenWheat

He is an odious little man, and a prime example of everything that is wrong with the undeserved priveledge that an expensive education and family connections afford the talentless.

This. A vile, talentless but sadly well connected little twat.

Has he not heard of punctuation?

It’s 5.18 am. I’m wracking my brains about how to teach creative writing to my Year 11s this morning, many of whom lack sophistication.

Even they could write better than “Zorro’s Dick” Coren. I only wish I could show them that hideous extract and model how to improve it.

I’m off to bleach my eyes now.

My late father always told me that it's not what you know, but who you know (or who you're related to) that helps you get on in life and Coren is a prime example.

He's an odious little twerp who's the literary example of someone with a Napoleon complex.

@LavenderAskew

Just... what?

Did he self publish? Surely that could not have past through an editors hand.

It had a £30,000 advance yet only sold 771 copies in hardback and 1400 in paperback. From en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Winkler_(novel)

Thw Wikipedia page is worth reading.

What the hell have I just read!!

@GreenWheat

He is an odious little man, and a prime example of everything that is wrong with the undeserved priveledge that an expensive education and family connections afford the talentless.

This. It is so frustrating to think that someone as talentless like him is writing for publications yet I know people who are great writers working in minimum wage jobs.

It reads like a review on a punters' site ...

Oh my god who is this guy?!?! illiterate cunt sounds about right (and I have never used that word before).

I'm not having it that that is genuine and was put into print.

How have I never heard of him??? Loved Alan, adore Victoria but never knew he existed!!! I feel I may now fall into a rabbit hole

Ridiculous writing, but the article about his holiday with 3 year old being the most romantic sexiest holiday. 🤢

Punctuation Giles!

Even if his novel was fantastic, does he not have the self awareness to realise that an article about how there are no successful male authors anymore rather loses its credibility when the author seems to be basing his argument on the fact that his book didn’t do well. It’s not a credible argument anyway because of course there are male authors, loads of them, but even if there weren’t, an article saying “everything is stacked against white men, and my evidence for this is that my book did badly” is insane.

I sometimes wonder if his whole life is an elaborate piece of performance art, because he really goes beyond credibility. And I can’t believe he’s related to Victoria Coren-Mitchell, who always seems so reasonable and sensible and funny.

@PurpleNebula84

That whole passage is ONE sentence!

If you read it out loud, you would run out of breath and pass out half way through..

That's hilarious!

It reads like a fantasy written by a pimply, pubescent schoolboy of low intellect, maybe during double Maths on a Monday morning.

It's so bad I am almost tempted to buy it, if Coren hasn't already bought all of them himself, of course! I would love to have heard the book club discussion!

@GreenWheat

He is an odious little man, and a prime example of everything that is wrong with the undeserved priveledge that an expensive education and family connections afford the talentless.

Yes and I don’t much like any of them or his review of restaurant - any excuse to freeload

That passage about his daughter is seriously fucked up.

And and and and and

God, it's so awful that it must be a joke.

@Siriisatwat

That passage about his daughter is seriously fucked up.

Yes, it's horrendous. Who the fuck describes time spent with their 3 year old as "sexy and romantic". if it was any ordinary, non-famous person talking about their child like that, serious questions would be being asked. But he writes this stuff down and it then gets published.

@SoniaFouler

Ew. EWWWWWWWW.

Jesus. To me that screams get social services involved. Red flags all over the place.

She has her hands on his dick while she scratched his back with both hands?
Was he shagging an octopus??