Read this sex scene from Giles Coren’s failed novel!!!

[KentishTowner]

In his latest column in The Times Vile Coren is asserting that there are no successful white male authors any more. Yeah, sure, keep telling yourself that’s why your novel failed so spectacularly and you won The Bad Sex Award, Giles. Then read the actual, totally bizarre sex scene (the bit about the shower head!):

twitter.com/kirstysedgman/status/1454503687460638726?s=21

Well that reads like something Jay from the Inbetweeners wrote whilst trying to be high brow.

I’m actually howiling 🤣🤣 I thought a teenage boy had wrote it in English class. Yes miss. I’m honestly writing about Shakespeare.

That whole passage is ONE sentence!

unless it's a scene from monty python it's really sad to think someone might believe that shizzle.

Oddly enough, it's not listed on Fantastic Fiction. Even out of print books are usually there. Giles Coren doesn't have any listing at all on the site. Alan Coren, on the other hand…

Amazon's got it as an e-book, or you can buy secondhand copy if you're desperate.

I didn't know that was physically possible ...

He’s a deeply unpleasant person and a terrible food critic as well as being a ludicrous writer.

So she grabbed his dick and scratched his back with both hands. How many hands did this lady have? Remarkable really.
TBH this is the least of his sins. How he has managed to survive multiple appalling cock-ups is a mystery. That article about his “sexy” holiday with his 3-year-old was a particular low point.

That is seriously bad writing. I've now got images in my head I really don't need. How can his dick rattle on her teeth - is it made of metal?

"Rattled against her teeth"??? Who writes such drivel? Never mind, we know. LOL, if he keep writing such idiocies, the only audience he'll have are 13-15 year-old boys, who will hide his books from their mothers until they are no longer virgins, and then will burn said books in disgust. "Like Zorro," indeed.

I like to think of his BIL David Mitchell reading it aloud around the Xmas dinner table.

“Leaping around like a shower dropped in an empty bath” 😂 that’s astonishingly bad writing. Has he ever had sex?!

So he’s lying on the bed and his willy starts flailing about uncontrollably?

I’m surprised he didn’t take off from the pure force of it. Kinky

I knew I shouldn't have read that. I bloody knew it. Still I clicked on the link anyway, it's not often a paragraph has an impact in my life, but I do feel this has made my life a little bit worse.

I have seen a lot of cock in my time, but never had one spray like a shower head or mark me like zorro, and for that I am thankful.

I imagine it flailing about like one of those inflatable waving men 🤢🤢🤢

@ABCeasyasdohrayme

"flailing about like one of those inflatable waving men"

Giles wishes he wrote this.

Hilarious!

The 'dick' he mentions appears to come loose from his body, is it a bit like 'thing' from Addams family?

Just... what?

Did he self publish? Surely that could not have past through an editors hand.

@JCFJW

I read it out in my head in a child’s voice automatically because it reads like a child has written it.

Like them fucking Haribo adverts but worse

Just don't read it out loud, no one can go that without taking a breath!

Oh my god. He's got a wife! Poor cow. I hope she uses his credit card when she stocks up on batteries.

Ew. EWWWWWWWW.

Jesus tonight. I need a sick bag.

I have never read any of his books , and I am never going to if them two samples are anything to go by !

If his dick is jumping around so much he really should go and see a doctor and the way he describes his holiday he needs locking up

oh my did he write that drivel about his daughter as well?? so funny, what school did he graduate from (if indeed he did). some poor english prof or department must be hanging their head in shame.

So deluded. He thinks he's a good writer, hilarious.

He is an odious little man, and a prime example of everything that is wrong with the undeserved priveledge that an expensive education and family connections afford the talentless.