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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband thinks I should get up earlier!

316 replies

AandWsMum · 06/11/2021 23:35

I am currently on maternity leave for DC2 who is 14 weeks old and EBF. We also have a DS who is three and goes to nursery two days a week, and I’ve just found out I’m pregnant again with DC3, much to my surprise.

My husband works long-ish hours, leaving the house at 8am and getting home about 8pm. He gets up with DS about 5.45am. His job isn’t manual but involves a lot of travelling. In the morning he takes the dog for a walk, does breakfast for DS and gets ready.

I get up about 7am, but have normally been awake for longer feeding baby. He thinks I should get up earlier because he says he finds leaving in the morning stressful if I’m still getting ready, but usually everything is under control. He is never annoyed or moaning he just says it would

Apart from taking out the bins and gardening, I do literally everything else most of the time with him pitching in when he can - the shopping, cooking, cleaning, bath time, bedtime, taking kids to parties, organising bills, school run etc are all my responsibility. So if he’s about at bath time, he will do it while I clear up from dinner as an example but it’s not a given.

He struggles with being woken in the night so atm sleeps in the spare room while feed baby (I don’t mind tbh at least I get more space) but it also means I deal with the 3 y/o if he wakes up at any point too.

I go to bed around 11pm and feed baby usually from 1-2 and then again 3.30-5 ish.

I don’t mind doing everything I do and appreciate that the main reason he doesn’t is because he just not here, but I am also EXHAUSTED.

AIBU to stand my ground and stay in bed til 7am and leave him to do the early mornings?

OP posts:
SueblueNZ · 06/11/2021 23:39

Absobloodylutely.
And he needs to get used to doing a lot more as your pregnancy progresses.

SueblueNZ · 06/11/2021 23:40

I meant you are not being unreasonable to want to remain in bed until 7.

aSofaNearYou · 06/11/2021 23:41

Why does it make it stressful for him? I'm not seeing the logic there.

Squeezita · 06/11/2021 23:43

But you are up earlier, you’re feeding the baby!

He needs to walk the dog anyway so can’t be that much more effort giving DS breakfast?

BlackeyedSusan · 06/11/2021 23:46

You are up and doing child care. which he can't do.

KittytheHare · 06/11/2021 23:47

Why would you even get out of bed at 7am? Wait until he's actually leaving. Crikey can't imagine what it will be like as your pregnancy progresses.

Original poster
AandWsMum · 06/11/2021 23:51

why would you even get out of bed at 7am? Wait until he’s actually leaving

Because if I don’t shower/get dressed while he has a chance watch the kids, what usually takes 20 minutes takes three hours instead and nothing gets done 😂😂

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 06/11/2021 23:53

So breakfast is really the only time when he sees your toddler? What the hell does that child eat that makes it so painful for him to prepare it?

Hankunamatata · 06/11/2021 23:54

@AandWsMum

why would you even get out of bed at 7am? Wait until he’s actually leaving

Because if I don’t shower/get dressed while he has a chance watch the kids, what usually takes 20 minutes takes three hours instead and nothing gets done 😂😂

Ok so can see his point when you say it like that. Get up 10mins early and shower while he holds the baby?
Original poster
AandWsMum · 06/11/2021 23:55

@HollowTalk Porridge, usually 😂 I like to point out he shot himself in the foot when he wouldn’t have a microwave “because of the rays” haha

OP posts:
Skiptheheartsandflowers · 06/11/2021 23:57

He thinks I should get up earlier because he says he finds leaving in the morning stressful if I’m still getting ready

This is 100% his problem for him to solve. Tell him that he needs to find his own way of dealing with his stress levels.

Original poster
AandWsMum · 06/11/2021 23:58

@Hankunamatata that’s what we usually do - he’s dressed by 7 and they’ve taken the dog out for a walk. I usually shower at 7 while he holds the baby and 3y/o finishes his breakfast

OP posts:
FallonCarringtonWannabe · 06/11/2021 23:59

but it also means I deal with the 3 y/o if he wakes up at any point too
Why does it mean this? Is he in the east wing and the rest of you in the west?!

Original poster
AandWsMum · 07/11/2021 00:00

But obviously sometimes I’m still drying my hair etc when he’s leaving because I’ve had to stop and deal with baby again/help them with something. Usually baby goes in his cot for a few minutes and toddler comes and sits with me but can cry when his dad is leaving

OP posts:
TracyBeakerSoYeah · 07/11/2021 00:00

He could be an idiot or a lovely DH who worries too much.
He only gets up that early because he has to as he starts work that early & he could be resentful that you get an extra hour & a bit. Though he's conveniently forgetting that you are up one, two or three times in the night as well. I bet over 7days he gets far more sleep than you.
I bet if he started work a little later he wouldn't be moaning.
I don't understand why he's moaning anyway as he's not having to sort out the kids whilst he gets ready?
On the one hand he sounds exactly like my STBXH but on the other hand to be more generous as your DH may be generally a lovely bloke, he might just have morning anxiety - getting himself worked up & in a state in case something goes wrong & he'll be very late for work & get shouted out.
Some husbands/partners get anxious over things that aren't going to probably happen as they have the Mr/Mrs Worry Gene & just need a bit of 'don't worry, if baby goes mad then I'm here & it will be fine & you won't miss your trains & your boss won't shout at you for being late' (albeit the boss is a twat anyway)
If it was me I would ask him what exactly is he so worried about?
If he says I worry that baby might xyz & cause chaos I will be late for work & stupid boss will go nuclear or I feel that my work colleagues think I am letting them down then you just have a worry wart DH
However if he turns round & say I'm awake so everyone should do as I say then you have a big problem

Here's hoping you have a generally kind husband who worries too much rather than an over bearing dinosaur

whynotwhatknot · 07/11/2021 00:00

He what-hes not a covid denier aswell is he

saltandherbsandnothingnice · 07/11/2021 00:02

Can understand his perspective ( it's just a difficult/tiring time in general for you all) but you really need your sleep and you should stand your ground.

saltandherbsandnothingnice · 07/11/2021 00:04

@AandWsMum

But obviously sometimes I’m still drying my hair etc when he’s leaving because I’ve had to stop and deal with baby again/help them with something. Usually baby goes in his cot for a few minutes and toddler comes and sits with me but can cry when his dad is leaving
That is SO understandable on your part. He is BU here.
Original poster
AandWsMum · 07/11/2021 00:08

@TracyBeakerSoYeah he’s never complained as such just says it would help him in the morning… he’s a real gentle giant, so I know it’s not him being overbearing.

He works for himself so likes to be there super early/make sure all is shut up properly and visits various sites through the day so he does need to give himself time to ravel. He takes a lot of pride/responsibility in overseeing everything and obviously wants to set a good example to his employees.

For me that “golden hour” between 5.30 and 6.30 (when I wake up again for baby) makes all the difference between me being a zombie or not during the day

OP posts:
Imohsotired · 07/11/2021 00:09

He’s probably miserable getting up at 545 everyday and not getting home to 8. I mean, I don’t think you should be getting up any earlier but I can see how hard it must be for both of you with the night feeds and early wake up and everything in between

violetbunny · 07/11/2021 00:12

Why not got an instant pot or multicooker for the porridge, if he won't use a microwave? He can bung it on while he's having his shower in the morning, by the time he gets out it will be done.

It also works beautifully for soups, casseroles, risottos etc as well.

Original poster
AandWsMum · 07/11/2021 00:13

@FallonCarringtonWannabe 😂😂 I wish! It’s a town house so guest bedrooms/bathroom are on the top floor and the other bedrooms & bathrooms are on the first floor

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 07/11/2021 00:17

does he have a mobile phone-they aemit rays too

pastaparadise · 07/11/2021 00:19

14 week old and just found out you're pregnant again. As in must have conceived when dc2 was 8 weeks ish? Surprised either of you have the energy! misses the point

He wouldn't moan if he knew what multiple night wakings night after night feel like...

SpookyPumpkinPants · 07/11/2021 00:21

How much earlier does he want you to get up?

How would it actually help?

Are you causing him to leave later than he needs to because he can't leave screaming baby and toddler while you're in the shower?

Does he appreciate you doing ALL the nights? In general?

Why can't he do some nights? None of us function as well with broken sleep as well as we do without...but it kind of comes with being a parent.

Are you ok eith being pregnant again?