Husband thinks I should get up earlier!

[AandWsMum]

I am currently on maternity leave for DC2 who is 14 weeks old and EBF. We also have a DS who is three and goes to nursery two days a week, and I’ve just found out I’m pregnant again with DC3, much to my surprise.

My husband works long-ish hours, leaving the house at 8am and getting home about 8pm. He gets up with DS about 5.45am. His job isn’t manual but involves a lot of travelling. In the morning he takes the dog for a walk, does breakfast for DS and gets ready.

I get up about 7am, but have normally been awake for longer feeding baby. He thinks I should get up earlier because he says he finds leaving in the morning stressful if I’m still getting ready, but usually everything is under control. He is never annoyed or moaning he just says it would

Apart from taking out the bins and gardening, I do literally everything else most of the time with him pitching in when he can - the shopping, cooking, cleaning, bath time, bedtime, taking kids to parties, organising bills, school run etc are all my responsibility. So if he’s about at bath time, he will do it while I clear up from dinner as an example but it’s not a given.

He struggles with being woken in the night so atm sleeps in the spare room while feed baby (I don’t mind tbh at least I get more space) but it also means I deal with the 3 y/o if he wakes up at any point too.

I go to bed around 11pm and feed baby usually from 1-2 and then again 3.30-5 ish.

I don’t mind doing everything I do and appreciate that the main reason he doesn’t is because he just not here, but I am also EXHAUSTED.

AIBU to stand my ground and stay in bed til 7am and leave him to do the early mornings?

@HotPeppasauce2 OP is walking into a nightmare with her eyes closed. She will have 3 very young children and will be stuck at home doing everything for the forseeable future. She is soon going to get fed up and exhausted want her husband to do more. He wont want to because he is paying for eveverything.

I hope her husband earns enough to buy in help

Dog walker and cleaner.

You need to have a discussion with him.

Despite what MN would have the world believe, it can actually be quite hard working full-time and being a parent. Being a SAHP is not the monopoly on being tired.

Ah I get your situation OP and I think you’re currently handling it in the best way.

We have a 19mo and a 5mo (ebf) and DH and I do the same. Sleep in separate rooms, he sleeps through the night but gets up at 5:30 to get ready for work then wakes the 19mo and does breakfast.

I feed baby usually twice through the night but stay in bed till 6:30 when I get up, grab a super fast shower and take over from DH who is out the door at 7am.

I also do pretty much everything for the house/kids whilst DH works.

Just because it would make it easier for him doesn’t mean you need to accommodate that. In our house this conversation went something like this:

DH: It would make my mornings easier if I had help with 19mo for breakfast.
Me: It would make my day worse to sleep less than I’m currently getting, after an already broken night.
DH: fair enough, that makes sense.

I have 2 things to leave here for your DH

1. overnight oats
2. delegation

A nice passive aggressive reply would be ‘and it would be helpful for me if you were home in more hours of the day or if I got a full night sleep but we are where we are right now’.

@Youseethethingis I've never once said he doesn't work hard enough - he works really hard which allows us a comfortable life

…… in other words

If it’s not working for him he needs to change it in a way that doesn’t involve you

Architects (especially if running their own firm) are generally well paid. Get in LOTS of extra help but also challenge the hours he is working. Not sure you will have much choice once baby arrives, so for at least a while, consider an au pair/part-time nanny? This will mean you can rest/shower etc whilst they are there and potentially take the pressure off both of you.
Do you have room for a p/time nanny to live with you? Will make it much cheaper ...

Oh, and go to bed earlier! You must both be sleep deprived ...

Could you not go to bed earlier? YANBU if your having a third with such a small age gap he needs to get over it.. you aren't even at the hard part yet!

[quote femfemlicious]@HotPeppasauce2 OP is walking into a nightmare with her eyes closed. She will have 3 very young children and will be stuck at home doing everything for the forseeable future. She is soon going to get fed up and exhausted want her husband to do more. He wont want to because he is paying for eveverything.

I hope her husband earns enough to buy in help[/quote]
Agree with this.

Completely missing the point of the post but I really hope you sort contraception out when your new baby is here otherwise you could find yourself in the same situation again with yet another baby….!

I don’t think asking your dh to get up at 5.45 every day is too much to ask. I do think you could find a way to have a quick shower by bunging the dc in their cots / play pens / locking them in the shower with you. All of this is only going to get worse…!

I'm not sure I agree with everyone. OP goes to bed very late considering, one very simple solution would be go to bed at 10pm and get up at 6am...same hours of sleep but around in the morning. Shower before bed, wash hair and let it dry naturally.
It's all well and good people saying he needs to cut down his hours, if he is self employed I imagine he feels a huge amount of pressure to earn enough to keep the family afloat especially as OP is pregnant again.
The OP can, if she wishes nap during the day. Her husband can't.

@Twinkle1989
I was just applying what you said about OP to your own situation you described where you both work full time and yet somehow it's still only you doing the night feeds.

I'm with your DP here.
He is working hard to provide for him family so that you are able to bring up your children

Sorry, I think your husband has a point. I had a similar age gap between my two, and yes, it's exhausting. Night feeds and then up at 5am with toddler feels relentless. However, I was at home and could afford to wander around like a zombie, and there was a lot of time when baby was sleeping and toddler was watching TV that I could switch off. Even better on nursery days when I could actually go back to bed with baby. DH on the other hand had to be on form the entire day. There was no way I was going to leave him to deal with the kids in the morning while I blow dried my hair!

Some instant suggestions: Take the baby downstairs with you and feed while toddler watches cartoons, then do breakfast for you and kids. Shower and wash your hair at night - no it won't look as good but frankly the majority of mums spend their lives with their hair pulled back in a messy bun anyway. Toddler doesn't need stove-cooked porridge everyday, get a microwave or try readybrek/ weetabix! If you are now pregnant with a 3rd then your husband is going to be the financial provider for some time yet - you cannot afford (literally) for his work to suffer so you can have one more hour's sleep.

Fully aware that this will be an incredibly unpopular opinion, but you asked.

I don’t think you should be getting up earlier, nor do I think what he currently does in the morning is unreasonable (surely the only time he sees his kids in the day?).

But I’m not surprised you’re exhausted and would also recommend getting to bed earlier than 11! Can you not just push forward just half an hour to 10:30? Keep getting up at your usual time though. Your body really needs that sleep!

Tell him you’ll get up early but only if you switch to bottle feeding and he does the night feeds.
He’s being completely unreasonable - he has chance for a full night of sleep every night, something you never get!

Help him come up with some ways to reduce his workload in the morning.
Excuse me? The man is a grown adult. If he’s able to hold down an architecture business, he’s able to come up with his own ways to reduce his morning workload.

OP, I don’t think you’re BU if you’re doing the baby night shift to need the “stop me being a zombie” lie-in (though your baby’s sleep sounds pretty good). But I don’t think your husband is BU finding it hard juggling a full day and getting out of the house in the morning – the morning toddler wrangle is my WORST part of the day. I’d take 1,000 pissing-about bedtimes over the morning faffery when I just want to crack on.

I think you’re all just in the thick of it right now – pre-schooler and baby is never going to be a military operation. Either you both just embrace the chaos, or you buy in help, or you compromise: he leaves a bit later, you use dry shampoo and beanies for the nursery run more.

Hi yes he could be more flexible with his hours IF he wanted.
How many sites does he need to visit day in day out.
Maybe his work ethic may be a control thing - he doesn’t trust others.
Re the microwave - not a big issue but HE had the final say.
Is this mortally the case?
I’m curious as to what HE does at the weekend?
It can’t just be gardening?!
What about time for you?
I hope you have family that can come over.
I’d bet you’d love some hours by yourself.
Yes to an au pair/nanny if you can afford it.
I couldn’t survive on 4 hours sleep -
He really needs to step up.
What would happen if you are ill on day?
Does he take time off.
I think given your job as an Nurse in a high stress environment you can deal with a lot of pressure. He knows this and has seen this.
A lot of nurses can have an over development sense of responsibility.
I hope he’s ameniable to a conversation about how it can be improved.
Sadly does he not want to see his children grow up?
You may as well be a one parent family.
Lean and talk to your family/friends.
You are not unreasonable in the slightest.

@GlamorousHeifer

I'm not sure I agree with everyone. OP goes to bed very late considering, one very simple solution would be go to bed at 10pm and get up at 6am...same hours of sleep but around in the morning. Shower before bed, wash hair and let it dry naturally. It's all well and good people saying he needs to cut down his hours, if he is self employed I imagine he feels a huge amount of pressure to earn enough to keep the family afloat especially as OP is pregnant again. The OP can, if she wishes nap during the day. Her husband can't.

There’s always a trade off. I napped through the day whenever I could, but that was limited so I was a zombie. This meant dh did a lot of the cooking and on weekends the cleaning. Dh can’t have everything - a functional wife or a wife who parents non stop round the clock.

@GlamorousHeifer

I'm not sure I agree with everyone. OP goes to bed very late considering, one very simple solution would be go to bed at 10pm and get up at 6am...same hours of sleep but around in the morning. Shower before bed, wash hair and let it dry naturally. It's all well and good people saying he needs to cut down his hours, if he is self employed I imagine he feels a huge amount of pressure to earn enough to keep the family afloat especially as OP is pregnant again. The OP can, if she wishes nap during the day. Her husband can't.

This

Ah another man bashing thread. I think your DH has a point. He works a really long day and he gets up really early in the morning and contributes to some of the chores. I think you’re unreasonable tbh to want him to look after the kids while you have a shower and dry your hair. Can you not put the baby in a bouncy seat and toddler in a playpen and do this after DH has gone to work? You can rest during the day, he can’t. Also, you should go to bed earlier. I think he’s unreasonable about the microwave though.

He struggles with being woken in the night

Don’t we all?!

re: late bedtime

3y/o goes to bed at 7. Yes it’s quite late and a long day for him. Before anyone anyone moans - he is very high energy, goes to gymnastics, swimming, tennis and rugby on days he’s not at forest school, and we take the dog for a 60 minute walk in the day on top of the 20 minute walk my husband does with him and the dog in the morning.

After that I do all the lunches for the next day, including my husbands, lay the kids clothes out, pick up stuff I’ve not managed to in the day.

I have dinner with my husband at about 8.30 when he’s in. He always has a bath in the evening and by then baby tends to have a long feed from about 9-10.30 before I finally get to actually go to sleep.

Maybe a dog Walker is something to look into - happy to do the daytime walk as it keeps me active and get us out the house but could be helpful with the early walk!

Whilst I agree with a lot of the comments on to some degree it sounds like your DH works all the hours he can and very very long days. I would only voice concern if he driving a lot or using machinery. Being stressed can make you tired and if he is feeling it it maybe better to work together, maybe only temporary, on a solution rather than an accident happen.