Husband thinks I should get up earlier!

[AandWsMum]

I am currently on maternity leave for DC2 who is 14 weeks old and EBF. We also have a DS who is three and goes to nursery two days a week, and I’ve just found out I’m pregnant again with DC3, much to my surprise.

My husband works long-ish hours, leaving the house at 8am and getting home about 8pm. He gets up with DS about 5.45am. His job isn’t manual but involves a lot of travelling. In the morning he takes the dog for a walk, does breakfast for DS and gets ready.

I get up about 7am, but have normally been awake for longer feeding baby. He thinks I should get up earlier because he says he finds leaving in the morning stressful if I’m still getting ready, but usually everything is under control. He is never annoyed or moaning he just says it would

Apart from taking out the bins and gardening, I do literally everything else most of the time with him pitching in when he can - the shopping, cooking, cleaning, bath time, bedtime, taking kids to parties, organising bills, school run etc are all my responsibility. So if he’s about at bath time, he will do it while I clear up from dinner as an example but it’s not a given.

He struggles with being woken in the night so atm sleeps in the spare room while feed baby (I don’t mind tbh at least I get more space) but it also means I deal with the 3 y/o if he wakes up at any point too.

I go to bed around 11pm and feed baby usually from 1-2 and then again 3.30-5 ish.

I don’t mind doing everything I do and appreciate that the main reason he doesn’t is because he just not here, but I am also EXHAUSTED.

AIBU to stand my ground and stay in bed til 7am and leave him to do the early mornings?

The OP can, if she wishes nap during the day. Her husband can’t.

We don’t know this as a fact. He is his own boss. He may pull his car over for an hour a day and have a nap.

These comments are unfair about OPS husband working until 8pm. OP has stated no where this is becoming an issue or that she would like her DH work a 9-5.

Have you never been in a household with a workaholic partner or parent @HotPeppasauce2? I used to get up at 5/6 am and have breakfast with my dad. He made it for me. Didn’t expect my mother to get up to feed me and she was neither pregnant nor postpartum.

Being the partner of a workaholic is very hard. Just because op hasn’t stated this is an issue, it doesn’t mean it isn’t. My dh used to work ridiculously long hours, travel a lot etc. It’s something you just accept when partners have a certain level of income. Again, being his own boss, op’s dh has the opportunity to take less work on.

Also in regards to the hair drying thing…. Seriously? I have a Bob. It takes five minutes to dry with a hairdryer and I don’t wash it every day 😂 it was just an example! I can promise you I’m not going full salon style every morning. A ridiculous non issue

You're being perfectly reasonable, OP.
But you sure haven't chosen easy street!
With a third little one on the way while your DC2 is still so tiny, you may find, by default, that you will be up earlier anyway!
You're underslept and on your feet all day long and this isn't going to change anytime soon, so stick with the status quo. I think it's totally reasonable that you're up at 7!
As for a dog walker, see how it goes when DC3 is here. Personally, I found getting out with the dog a real godsend when the kids were small. It gave us a reason to get out and get fresh air when I could have easily just caved into not leaving the house. But if you're finding it too much, a dog walker is always an option.

I agree that establishing if he’s just a worrier or being a pain is important.
I would try and establish a better set up soon as things are going to get stretched more.
I had similar gaps and my STBXH just left one day….I wish we had communicated better and put some help in place……🍀🍀🍀

The OP can, if she wishes nap during the day. Her husband can’t.
We don’t know this as a fact. He is his own boss. He may pull his car over for an hour a day and have a nap

True. Some self employed work flat out during their working hours. Others hardly work at all. There’s a difference between flat out 8am-8pm with fifteen minutes squeezed in for a sandwich at lunch vs 8am-8pm with only three or four hours of actual mind/body on the job with endless breaks in between.

Congratulations on the pregnancy, if it is successful (and I hope it is) then it sounds like you as a household need more help.

Either your husband spends less time at work and gets someone there to step up, or adjusts his workload to delegate as much as he can or you get some sort of help at home. I don’t know what the job title would be, but someone who would be happy to dog walk, keep an eye on the dc in the home if needed, a bit of cleaning and cooking etc

I think ideally, your husband would be spending more time at home so he can be with you and the dc, even if it’s a compromise between getting help at home and having him home a bit more each day.

Can you go to bed earlier OP? 11pm doesn't give you much slack.

[quote Twinkle1989]@Mumdiva99 I am with you.
I am perhaps a little old fashioned but I think if he is out working and providing full time, especially long hours and the other parent is at home then I wouldn't expect him to be doing early morning childcare.
When we were kids mum did everything and dad went to work; mum was home all day looking after 5 of us and dad was providing for us. [/quote]
So he should get more rest than her (remember OP is doing night feeds and toddler wakings) simply because his work is out the house and she’s doing childcare? Remember she’s dealing with the added exhaustion of pregnancy too!

And she does do the majority of household work already.

He sounds like he does pitch in a good bit on top of 12 hour working days however I'm not sure why it's stressing him out if you're not up. That's his issue to deal with.

@ArtichokeAardvark

Sorry, I think your husband has a point. I had a similar age gap between my two, and yes, it's exhausting. Night feeds and then up at 5am with toddler feels relentless. However, I was at home and could afford to wander around like a zombie, and there was a lot of time when baby was sleeping and toddler was watching TV that I could switch off. Even better on nursery days when I could actually go back to bed with baby. DH on the other hand had to be on form the entire day. There was no way I was going to leave him to deal with the kids in the morning while I blow dried my hair!

Some instant suggestions: Take the baby downstairs with you and feed while toddler watches cartoons, then do breakfast for you and kids. Shower and wash your hair at night - no it won't look as good but frankly the majority of mums spend their lives with their hair pulled back in a messy bun anyway. Toddler doesn't need stove-cooked porridge everyday, get a microwave or try readybrek/ weetabix! If you are now pregnant with a 3rd then your husband is going to be the financial provider for some time yet - you cannot afford (literally) for his work to suffer so you can have one more hour's sleep.

Fully aware that this will be an incredibly unpopular opinion, but you asked.

Were you pregnant when you also had a baby and toddler? Because OP has two children plus is pregnant and that's a pretty significant part of this setup.

God forbid you don't sacrifice every last drop of yourself on the altar of martyred motherhood. Are people seriously chastising a woman for taking a few minutes out to dry her own fucking hair whilst her DH looks after the kids he helped create?

OP, tell your DH that he has two choices. Things carry on as they are. Or alternatively you get up when he gets up, and you will also wake him at 1am and 4am to help you when you are doing the night feeds. His choice, but he can't have it both ways.

Have you never been in a household with a workaholic partner or parent*

No. But OP has not stated that her DH is a workaholic he is the boss so that explains the long hours ... that's what it takes whe you are the boss. OP has not said anything about their finances but most of us go to work for the money. OP is on mat leave so I assume they are not rolling in it and its will be unlikely OP return to a busy hospital job with 3 kids under 5

@TheVanguardSix is correct OP will be getting up early by default anyway. OP ca get up when the kids wake I'm not sure why it's become so regimented

Christ, your DH sure is particular about things - he is grumpy if woken up, he doesn’t trust microwaves, he likes to set a good example to his employees... I’m sure we’d all like things a certain way in a perfect world, but I would be reminding him a world with a toddler, a baby and one on the way is far from perfect. IMO he needs to get his head around the fact that (if you want to be any kind of engaged parent/partner) kids impact your life and you need to make compromises.
I can fully appreciate what that 20 mins to shower mean to you, it’s a small thing he can do that makes a massive difference to your day, before he gets to go out the door and carry on being his full self and you are on ‘mum duty’ all day (and night!!) YANBU xx

You have a 3 year old a newborn , a dog and a baby on the way . I think your husband needs to wake up to the fact that mornings are going to be stressful for the next few years!

I think your husband doing breakfast with your toddler is entirely reasonable as it is the only time he sees him/her as they are in bed when he gets home. He needs to prepare for when you have three. Soon he will need to do both your children’s breakfasts as this is the only time he will see them M-F.

I think he needs to look at his hours. If he is the boss he can make the decision to shave an hour off a day without too much impact. Starting at 8.30 would help both of you in the morning abs coming home at 7.30 would allow dinner to be a bit earlier too.

Good luck with your pregnancy. I would try and get your toddler used to being able to play while you shower and dry your hair. This could then allow you to also rise a bit later in the morning x

@whynotwhatknot

He what-hes not a covid denier aswell is he

WTF has Covid got to do with anything?

@femfemlicious and @Viviennemary did you not read the OP's post in which she said she has been pregnant nine times, resulting in two babies, and is grateful for this pregnancy? Your comments are very unkind.

No useful suggestions, OP, as I can sort of see both sides. However, I think you're doomed if you post anything here about men who work long hours, because the answer is always "tell him to work shorter hours" (even though long hours tend to equate to a decent income which is pretty important if you are the sole provider in the family, even if just temporarily), or "he should be doing 50% of the domestic stuff despite not physically being there", or just "LTB".

Either that or it's all about the OP drying her hair.

OP, the situation you are in at the moment is a temporary one. All being well, you will have a third baby and it will change again. So in a way, whatever solution you find now (whether that be going to bed earlier, or getting up earlier, or anything else at all) will probably not be a long-term one.

The thing that made my life very slightly easier when I was in a similar situation was showering in the evening, once the DC were in bed. That saved some precious minutes in the morning, as mornings were too hectic. I also used to put out the clothes that I was going to wear, including pants, so I didn't have to think at all about getting dressed!

I’ve been here. Husband working constant at his own business and having no help with the kids. Here’s what I did….

Shower at night and wash and style hair
Run hair over with straighteners over any flicking out edges in the morning.

Go to bed earlier (11pm) is far too late.

Outsource any work if you can. I had a cleaner, ironer and gardener.

The one dog walk that you do during the day is enough for the dog, it’s unusual for a dog to be walked several times a day. Do you have a garden that the dog could go in?

Why does your son who’s only 3 do so many activities? He’s at forest school 2 days a week yet does plenty of other activities on top?

How often does the 3 year old wake in the night?

Like many with small children/baby, my DH works similar hours. This is going back a couple of years, and like you, my DH did toddler breakfast while I lay in bed snoozing or feeding baby. But his mornings weren’t rushed as I walked the dog later on in the day so no need for that, and I had a shower and washed/dried my hair if it needed it the night before, or during nap time. So the baby and I got up as he was leaving and the toddler would be pottering around whilst he got ready.

@BackBackBack

God forbid you don't sacrifice every last drop of yourself on the altar of martyred motherhood. Are people seriously chastising a woman for taking a few minutes out to dry her own fucking hair whilst her DH looks after the kids he helped create?

OP, tell your DH that he has two choices. Things carry on as they are. Or alternatively you get up when he gets up, and you will also wake him at 1am and 4am to help you when you are doing the night feeds. His choice, but he can't have it both ways.

This kind of suggestion makes no sense. The OP has already said that her husband spends a lot of time driving, and that she (understandably) doesn't like the idea of him driving after very little or broken sleep. I think it would be better for people to offer the OP advice that would actually fit into her life and make things a bit easier, not advice that would make things worse.

@femfemlicious

Pregnant again with a 3 year old and 14 week old...sounds like a recipe for disaster😞

Did you miss that the OP has had many many losses?

I think it's a shit storm either way and you staying in bed an extra hour is irrelevant and won't make much of a difference in the grand scheme of things an hour is no time at all

It’s not a shit storm..?! Isn’t it just normal life?! Lots of children, one working long hours, trying to get enough time to shower...was the story of my life for years! And definitely not a shit storm..chaotic but fine really

First off OP, being on maternity leave and caring for children is a full time job. If you weren't doing it you'd be paying someone else to.
It is totally exhausting. The fact he leaves to go to work has no greater value than you being at home, and it's actually giving him a break to get out of the house.
Some men are crazy. A night of broken sleep, is in no way shape or form the same as an uninterpreted night. Even if those broken up parts add up to the same amount of sleep.
OP please try this - wake him and ask him to stay up with you each time you feed ... We'll see how happy he is then to be told he should be getting up earlier.

@JudySmallweed it's a tactical suggestion, which is aimed at helping the OP's DH to understand that actually the set-up they have at the moment is more than fair, because he seems to have forgotten that OP is getting less sleep than him already because she does all of the night wakings.

I'm not sure he is at fault here, it sounds like hard work for you both. I would get a clearner, a part time nanny and a dog walker. Unless he cuts his hours. You don't want him to burn out as you will be an even worse position (been there with my dh very unwell).