Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 12 13

Original poster

Husband thinks I should get up earlier!

316 replies

AandWsMum · 06/11/2021 23:35

I am currently on maternity leave for DC2 who is 14 weeks old and EBF. We also have a DS who is three and goes to nursery two days a week, and I’ve just found out I’m pregnant again with DC3, much to my surprise.

My husband works long-ish hours, leaving the house at 8am and getting home about 8pm. He gets up with DS about 5.45am. His job isn’t manual but involves a lot of travelling. In the morning he takes the dog for a walk, does breakfast for DS and gets ready.

I get up about 7am, but have normally been awake for longer feeding baby. He thinks I should get up earlier because he says he finds leaving in the morning stressful if I’m still getting ready, but usually everything is under control. He is never annoyed or moaning he just says it would

Apart from taking out the bins and gardening, I do literally everything else most of the time with him pitching in when he can - the shopping, cooking, cleaning, bath time, bedtime, taking kids to parties, organising bills, school run etc are all my responsibility. So if he’s about at bath time, he will do it while I clear up from dinner as an example but it’s not a given.

He struggles with being woken in the night so atm sleeps in the spare room while feed baby (I don’t mind tbh at least I get more space) but it also means I deal with the 3 y/o if he wakes up at any point too.

I go to bed around 11pm and feed baby usually from 1-2 and then again 3.30-5 ish.

I don’t mind doing everything I do and appreciate that the main reason he doesn’t is because he just not here, but I am also EXHAUSTED.

AIBU to stand my ground and stay in bed til 7am and leave him to do the early mornings?

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/11/2021 05:19

@HiJenny35

I'm slightly on the fence here. Yes you're doing the night feeds but to be fair you have got the opportunity to relax at some point during the day while baby sleeps and 2 days a week 3 year old is at nursery so you could sleep then when baby is sleeping. Your husband is up at 5:45 every day and not home from work till 8pm. A 12 hour shift isn't "long-ish" hours that's a long day and I've worked and been a stay at home mum and as much as it's hard work with little ones it isn't as hard as being out working a 12 hour day. So I don't think he's being particularly lazy asking for some support in the mornings.

Wtf. Op isn’t getting up at 7. She’s getting up the equivalent of 4.30 due to night time duties. Not to mention broken sleep is far more tiring than one stretch. Along with this, she is just over 3 months postpartum and pregnant again.

Don’t listen to posts like this op. You must be exhausted. Your dh needs to reduce his hours. As he’s self employed, that means not taking on so much work.

Eileen101 · 07/11/2021 05:24

Yanbu to be getting up at 7, that's still early since you've been up feeding the baby, plus seeing to the toddler in the night while he sleeps through.

How come you stay up til 11? Could you fit in some more sleep by going earlier? I'm not meaning instead of getting up at 7, I mean as well as - you're looking after two small children whilst pregnant with a third.

Your DH needs to suck it up - he's a parent to two, nearly 3, small children.

Iwab82 · 07/11/2021 05:26

No way, though I would suggest bed at 10 which would give you both one extra hour sleep. I know you want time alone and to yourselves when kids are asleep but I think at this stage you probably both need the extra hour more.I remember that early morning feed so well and how I would be so tired after, there is no way I could've got up any earlier! I take it hes up at 5.45 for in the dog walk before your toddler wakes so like others have said a dog Walker would make sense and give him extra time in bed.

Wallywobbles · 07/11/2021 05:32

Since you've had kids has he made any effort to shorten his work day? Or is it just up to you to pick up all the shit?

SteveArnottsWaistcoat · 07/11/2021 05:42

If he struggles now then he’s going to struggle even more with a third so soon!! He needs to get a grip. He’s in charge and absolutely can change his hours. Did he take paternity leave at all? Has he always been a workaholic?

I also think the microwave thing is utter bullshit. When you eventually have 3 kids, you’re really going to NEED one.

Do you have a good friend support network? Do you have a good relationship with your parents/family, your in laws do you see them much?

Tell him you will remain in bet until 7am, you’re getting a microwave and that he needs to grow some balls.

SteveArnottsWaistcoat · 07/11/2021 05:43

Is it 50/50 with everything at weekends?

Mumdiva99 · 07/11/2021 05:56

I'm in a minority but think he shouldn't have to sort the kids in the morning before work. When we were in similar circumstance I did all the children during the week....my husband picked up the slack at the weekend. He very much pulled his weight by being the breadwinner, working the hours required and travelling etc. But...I did ask him to get up really quietly so as not to wake the kids...mine woke early anyway so I didn't want it before 6am.
I also agree about going to bed earlier...when pg it cam be exhausting so getting sleep when you can is good.

SpanielSprint · 07/11/2021 06:36

@Mumdiva99

I'm in a minority but think he shouldn't have to sort the kids in the morning before work. When we were in similar circumstance I did all the children during the week....my husband picked up the slack at the weekend. He very much pulled his weight by being the breadwinner, working the hours required and travelling etc. But...I did ask him to get up really quietly so as not to wake the kids...mine woke early anyway so I didn't want it before 6am. I also agree about going to bed earlier...when pg it cam be exhausting so getting sleep when you can is good.

I don’t understand this view at all. Did your DH just sit with his feet up while you rushed around sorting dinner and bedtime? I’m assuming he was home in time for bedtime given that he leaves the house for work before 6.

Do you think the OP’s DH should stay in bed until 7 while the OP gets up with the toddler at 5:45 after being up with the baby during the night?

I think that it’s important to fairly share parenting and household duties when both parents are at home.

parrotonthesofa · 07/11/2021 06:42

He should to work a shorter day. If he has his own firm, he could maybe delegate some responsibility. Or at least just get a dog walker.
Yanbu to get up at 7. He should not be telling you to get up earlier as he should be aware that you are exhausted from the night wakings.

HotPeppasauce2 · 07/11/2021 06:57

I think if OP is awake anyway she might as well give the kids breakfast. As much as it's tiring.... OP will be at home unlike her DH which has to power through the day.
Plus her 3 year old has 2 nursery days.

Is the plan for you to be a SAHM? I think you need to have a discussion because once three young children arrive the one who goes to work cannot be expected to get up every morning on top of a 12hr shift!

EsmeraldaFudge · 07/11/2021 07:00

I think he needs to reassess his own day and quit with the heroics of feeling he needs to be out until 8pm.

Suggesting you change your day to make it easier for him is ridiculous.

Youseethethingis · 07/11/2021 07:10

I'd ask what he expects to happen to you physically and emotionally when you are single handedly dealing with a newborn, a 12 month old and a 4 years old around the clock while he whinges about having to do something for his children for an hour in the morning?
He works long hours. Boo hoo. You are working and on call 24/7.
Does he want the person caring for his babies to be able to do so safely, or not?

Snoken · 07/11/2021 07:11

You are not unreasonable to stay in bed until 7, but I am amazed that you can stay up until 11pm, I would be shattered at 9pm. Do you both stay up that late? If so, I can see why your DH feels exhausted too.

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 07/11/2021 07:11

Can you go to bed earlier? 11pm feel super late! I’ve got a 3 and 5 year old and go to bed at 9.30 😂 I think you staying in bed too 7am is totally reasonable and I wouldn’t budge on that!

femfemlicious · 07/11/2021 07:16

Pregnant again with a 3 year old and 14 week old...sounds like a recipe for disaster😞

HotPeppasauce2 · 07/11/2021 07:18

@EsmeraldaFudge

I think he needs to reassess his own day and quit with the heroics of feeling he needs to be out until 8pm.

Suggesting you change your day to make it easier for him is ridiculous.

These comments are unfair about OPS DH working till 8pm. OP has stated no where this is becoming an issue or that she would like her DH to work a 9-5.

Usually long shifts mean you are off at least one day during the week unlike a 9 to 5.

HotMummaSummer · 07/11/2021 07:21

My husband and I had a similar conversation with my husband the other day. We have one DC (14months), I work 3 days and take her to nursery those days and he does shifts inc nights. I'm pregnant and in my second trimester. We have also put our house up for sale so we've had to do lots of extra cleaning and tidying for viewings!

We don't usually argue but we are just both exhausted. What I gathered from the conversation is he wanted thanks and appreciation, in actual words!

Your DH should definitely be thanking and appreciating you too but I've found you've got to give some.

Also when I can (every few months) I make the 3 hr drive to my parents with DD either while DH has work or is off so he has the opportunity to sleep better or catch up with some friends.

ThinWomansBrain · 07/11/2021 07:22

can't you just pull on a tracksuit or similar for the nursery run and shower later in the morning when the baby is asleep?
and find a hairstyle that doesn't require blowdrying?

Twinkle1989 · 07/11/2021 07:23

I'm with your DP here.
He is working hard to provide for him family so that you are able to bring up your children.
I have a 14 week old baby and work full time hours condensed. DP works full time too but sometimes works longer days. I have always done night feeds during my 6 week maternity and continue to do so if DC wakes. So that it flows in the morning and isn't stressful, I'm up at 5.30 sorting myself out for work and bathing DC ready to hand over care whilst I go to work - DP gets up about 7 and gets himself ready for when I leave as he does the morning drop offs.
I don't think your DP is being unreasonable at all.

Whataroyalannoyance · 07/11/2021 07:24

Tell him that you find you 1am get up stressful and your 4 am one even more stressful, so you think he should also get up earlier to help.

HotPeppasauce2 · 07/11/2021 07:28

@femfemlicious absolutely agree. You would think that would be the main issue here..

Hardybloodyhar · 07/11/2021 07:28

If you are going to have two babies and a toddler you both need to compromise. Your DH contribution is not unreasonable, but the 11pm bedtime and daily blowdry may need to go.
Running your own firm is hard and hiring a senior employee who can take on your DH load may not be feasible right when he's about to become a sole breadwinner.

Twinkle1989 · 07/11/2021 07:28

@Mumdiva99 I am with you.
I am perhaps a little old fashioned but I think if he is out working and providing full time, especially long hours and the other parent is at home then I wouldn't expect him to be doing early morning childcare.
When we were kids mum did everything and dad went to work; mum was home all day looking after 5 of us and dad was providing for us.

Justilou1 · 07/11/2021 07:31

Sure… You can get up earlier if he can BF the baby or give birth to DC3 naturally without pain killers through his urethra. What a matyr….

Youseethethingis · 07/11/2021 07:32

@Twinkle1989
Why would you do that when by your own logic your DH doesn't even work hard enough to allow you to bring up your baby?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 12 13