Husband thinks I should get up earlier!

[AandWsMum]

I am currently on maternity leave for DC2 who is 14 weeks old and EBF. We also have a DS who is three and goes to nursery two days a week, and I’ve just found out I’m pregnant again with DC3, much to my surprise.

My husband works long-ish hours, leaving the house at 8am and getting home about 8pm. He gets up with DS about 5.45am. His job isn’t manual but involves a lot of travelling. In the morning he takes the dog for a walk, does breakfast for DS and gets ready.

I get up about 7am, but have normally been awake for longer feeding baby. He thinks I should get up earlier because he says he finds leaving in the morning stressful if I’m still getting ready, but usually everything is under control. He is never annoyed or moaning he just says it would

Apart from taking out the bins and gardening, I do literally everything else most of the time with him pitching in when he can - the shopping, cooking, cleaning, bath time, bedtime, taking kids to parties, organising bills, school run etc are all my responsibility. So if he’s about at bath time, he will do it while I clear up from dinner as an example but it’s not a given.

He struggles with being woken in the night so atm sleeps in the spare room while feed baby (I don’t mind tbh at least I get more space) but it also means I deal with the 3 y/o if he wakes up at any point too.

I go to bed around 11pm and feed baby usually from 1-2 and then again 3.30-5 ish.

I don’t mind doing everything I do and appreciate that the main reason he doesn’t is because he just not here, but I am also EXHAUSTED.

AIBU to stand my ground and stay in bed til 7am and leave him to do the early mornings?

There isn't one! That's the point.

Her DH thinks there is - because, as far as I understand it, he wants everyone else in the house to be fully breakfasted, dressed, hair brushed and looking presentable, before he leaves for work at 8am. Even if they aren't going anywhere for another couple of hours, or at all that day.

He's presenting 'the problem' in terms of chaos and stress, rather than people being presentable but it seems to amount to the same thing.

He cannot compute that even if OP is half way through getting dressed or drying her hair, she is also, at the same time, supervising both children perfectly adequately and will, if necessary, cease her own preparations to tend to the children.

And yes, I PREFER to get ready when he can watch the children because it’s quicker, easier and less fuss - but it doesn’t always work out like that and it’s not like I’m asking him to be late for work to I can get the straighteners out.

Likewise if I went days without a shower and lived on dry shampoo, there’d be people who had something to say about Mothers who don’t look after themselves and have no pride in their appearance, let’s be honest 😂

I guess what we’ve learnt from this is I’ve accepted the fact that sometimes mornings with small kids is just chaos, and he needs to as well

Any mums who don’t need a shower in the mornings I’d love to know how because between leaky breastfeeding boobs, baby sick and night sweats I am disgusting first thing in the morning 😂

Oh well done OP, sounds like progress.

I've realised I am visualising your DH as something between the father in Mary Poppins and Captain Von Trapp at the start of The Sound of Music. Men who enjoy orderly lives and choose to ignore, or just don't accept, the chaos that children naturally bring.

I don't think you need to be Julie Andrews to solve this but a bit of Maria or Mary Poppins' force of character and insistence on doing things the way that is best for the children (and their eventual relationships with their fathers) might not go amiss!

...and obviously, having a well-rested mother is beneficial for the children!

I don't know how you can keep going if he doesn't do that at least. He must realise you can't function without a certain amount of rest.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

@lottiegarbanzo 😂😂😂😂 captain Von Trapp

I feel like I’ve not painted him in a good light here.

He can be a bit eccentric and definitely likes routine, but I will give it to him - he’s really fun when he’s at home and plays with the kids. When he’s at home he does bath time if he can etc - a lot of it is that he’s just not here.

@AandWsMum

It takes me About 20/25 minutes to get ready - showering, drying hair, teeth, contact lenses, getting dressed etc

I’m not always ready bang on 8am because babies aren’t robots and sometimes want to feed for longer, toddler wants me for something, husband wants to defrost the car…

But like @lottiegarbanzo has said, what does it matter as long as he can get out of the door while I’m still doing these things.

I’m my first post it says “usually everything is under control” - just not his idea of eberything being under control.

We’ve spoken about this last night and he’s going to try and “tune out” what’s going on when he’s leaving as long as I say I’m ready to take over, and see if that helps.

Tonight I’m going to discuss whether he feels that he needs to see someone to explore whether he needs formal help with anxiety or something similar.

Thank you for the explanation. I was really having a hard time understanding the logistics. It sounds like most of the time you are "ready" (as your husband would see it) long before he needs to leave, but sometimes things come up and you might still be drying your hair or something at that time. Do I have that right? Then if you are still taking care of things like your hair he feels like he's unable to leave, even though you are perfectly happy for him to leave and have sole responsibility for the children at that point.

Before it sounded to me like you were getting up at 7am every day and would still be taking care of your personal grooming, unnecessarily, an hour later. In which case I could see his point! But now that you have explained it more I think I understand.

I think you're right that as long as he gets a verbal "I'm ready" from you he should be able to leave without any concern, trusting that you are in control, but maybe he needs help getting to that point. If it helps you can tell him that I was a single parent when I had a newborn and a toddler and I still managed to shower every day!

I've not read the full thread so this may have been suggested,

however. I wouldn't get up any earlier but what I would do it let dh sort himself out in the mornings. your toddler shouldn't be getting up at 5.45 he needs to stay in bed till 7 as well and I'd walk the dog during the day with the baby. its unreasonable to expect dh to do all that before work.

It sounds like you're ready but your husband is struggling to let go and just leave. My husband does this - he sees some child related chaos in the morning when he should be going to work, i say its ok if he needs to leave, he doesn't want to leave me in the midst of it and so is conflicted. Little boy starts crying because daddy is leaving then not leaving then leaving...i just have to tell him its ok, just go!

I wouldn't be changing your routine much in the morning as it sounds great with him taking your 3yo for a walk with dog while you doze and feed the baby. And definitely need to shower if ebf, i sometimes had to twice a day!

He does sound a bit like my dh. I posted earlier in thread to be aware of burnout. That's what happened to us / him. Anxiety built up and up and work stress and it became too much. I've learned men are not great at recognising anxiety. I knew very little until he had a breakdown. Now I guess on reflection I wonder if I put too much on him. Sounds like you are having some good discussions around it though.

- a lot of it is that he’s just not here.

But that is something he can change if he wants to, given that he is his own boss.
You're doing all of the hard work with the children. Has he any cognisance of how disturbed your sleep is? It certainly sounds like he hasn't, when all that he is focused on is that you should be doing more, and getting up earlier.
A bit of consideration on his side would go a long way, imo.

I think you should train the kids to sing the 'Goodbye' song from TSOM. Then you can line up, sing and wave him off on his way each day.

Have you suggested he cut his work hours? Can't he do some of it at home?

@lottiegarbanzo

I think you should train the kids to sing the 'Goodbye' song from TSOM. Then you can line up, sing and wave him off on his way each day.

Hell yes! Stand your ground!
The only way I survived the first year with ds2 and multiple night wakings is because Dh got up at 5.30 with early riser ds1.

Further to the point, OP has stated that she is a nurse who a) is fully educated about conception and contraception (Even while breastfeeding)

Yes, my post was a joke (hence the emojis) based on a situation in my life. I also offered a congratulations. Lighten up.

OP, I just want to say that you're negotiating a bumpy bit now, but you and your husband both sound fab, and a third baby - deo volente - will be lucky to be born into your family. Babies and young children are not easy, especially with small gaps (been there, done that). But the main reason things go wrong is that they are allowed to fester unmentioned. You're not doing this, so that is a very good start.

@BoredZelda - I wasn’t singling you out. There are many judgy comments about the timing of this baby on here.

@Justilou1 I also had someone lecturing me about having multiple children and the effects on the environment today. Again, the point is valid but a bit late for that now 😂

@AandWsMum - I hope you said “You know what they say about opinions and arseholes…”

You had time to conceive again?

You need to get your contraception sorted out... You and your children are adding to the global warning. At least your husband is working and paying for your children.

STAND YOUR GROUND!

Can’t believe you do all that and have time to get pregnant 😜 congratulations but no don’t get up any earlier.