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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband thinks I should get up earlier!

316 replies

AandWsMum · 06/11/2021 23:35

I am currently on maternity leave for DC2 who is 14 weeks old and EBF. We also have a DS who is three and goes to nursery two days a week, and I’ve just found out I’m pregnant again with DC3, much to my surprise.

My husband works long-ish hours, leaving the house at 8am and getting home about 8pm. He gets up with DS about 5.45am. His job isn’t manual but involves a lot of travelling. In the morning he takes the dog for a walk, does breakfast for DS and gets ready.

I get up about 7am, but have normally been awake for longer feeding baby. He thinks I should get up earlier because he says he finds leaving in the morning stressful if I’m still getting ready, but usually everything is under control. He is never annoyed or moaning he just says it would

Apart from taking out the bins and gardening, I do literally everything else most of the time with him pitching in when he can - the shopping, cooking, cleaning, bath time, bedtime, taking kids to parties, organising bills, school run etc are all my responsibility. So if he’s about at bath time, he will do it while I clear up from dinner as an example but it’s not a given.

He struggles with being woken in the night so atm sleeps in the spare room while feed baby (I don’t mind tbh at least I get more space) but it also means I deal with the 3 y/o if he wakes up at any point too.

I go to bed around 11pm and feed baby usually from 1-2 and then again 3.30-5 ish.

I don’t mind doing everything I do and appreciate that the main reason he doesn’t is because he just not here, but I am also EXHAUSTED.

AIBU to stand my ground and stay in bed til 7am and leave him to do the early mornings?

OP posts:
Original poster
AandWsMum · 07/11/2021 00:27

@SpookyPumpkinPants well that was kind of my point when we spoke about it - I said I might as well not go to bed! Or go to bed when DS does and we would never see each other in the evening.

The nights thing is what it is. I don’t love it but he’s too grumpy when he gets woken up so I would rather just do it myself. I am a big worrier too so don’t like the idea of him doing so much driving while even more tired.

The pregnancy thing I’ll admit is very overwhelming and came as a massive shock. But I’ve been pregnant a grand total of nine times, with only two successful pregnancies so I’ll take it as an unexpected blessing and hope for the best.

OP posts:
HiJenny35 · 07/11/2021 00:29

I'm slightly on the fence here. Yes you're doing the night feeds but to be fair you have got the opportunity to relax at some point during the day while baby sleeps and 2 days a week 3 year old is at nursery so you could sleep then when baby is sleeping. Your husband is up at 5:45 every day and not home from work till 8pm. A 12 hour shift isn't "long-ish" hours that's a long day and I've worked and been a stay at home mum and as much as it's hard work with little ones it isn't as hard as being out working a 12 hour day. So I don't think he's being particularly lazy asking for some support in the mornings.

gah2teenagers · 07/11/2021 00:40

Your hair will dry naturally you know. He is working to support you all and you have allowed a third pregnancy.

Squeezita · 07/11/2021 00:42

@gah2teenagers

Your hair will dry naturally you know. He is working to support you all and you have allowed a third pregnancy.
I agree on the hair drying but why do you say OP ‘allowed’ a third pregnancy? He is just as responsible for the pregnancy Confused
Viviennemary · 07/11/2021 00:46

If you are struggling with two why are you having a third. Your DH is doing 12 hour days. You both need to step up and work together and stop this petty arguing.

ThatsNotMyReindeer · 07/11/2021 00:47

Hire a dog walker?

mrsfollowill · 07/11/2021 00:48

Oh I feel a bit sorry for all of you - such a tough time. I'd just go to bed at 8pm to be honest!

TasteTheMeatNotTheHeat · 07/11/2021 00:51

Tell him he can either do all the night wakings and have luxurious lie in until 7am, or get up in the morning with the baby. His choice.

Whereismumhiding3 · 07/11/2021 00:52

7am is early when you've been woken up twice in the night including at 5.30am! I was expecting you to say you got up at 10am...!

I'm sure DH would find it easier if you took over mornings getting DCs ready but equally you would find it easier if he did all the night wake ups so that you got full nights sleep! I know which I'd rather do Grin

I'd counter every suggestion about how you could make his life easier by equally unfair suggestions how he can make your life easier .... his pregnant wife.... Let's see which ones stick as if only be trading like for like on a few days...

Original poster
AandWsMum · 07/11/2021 00:57

I do appreciate that he works a long day - he runs his own architecture firm which is fairly busy and does a lot of travel. Before we had DS I worked as an ICU nurse so regularly worked 13 hour shifts with commuting time on top of that, so I’m no stranger to a long day either!

OP posts:
Wotsitsits · 07/11/2021 00:58

I expected to read OP was lying in until 11am and the OH was complaining because the baby had a non existent sleep routine Confused

DH needs to get a grip on himself and manage his work-life balance better, welcome to the reality of being a parent.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/11/2021 01:08

7 is plenty early considering. He's going to have to do alot more when you're caring for two babies under 1

timeisnotaline · 07/11/2021 01:24

He could do half the night wakings, the bedding and towels washing on the weekend, and take the dc out for you to nap for a couple of hours every weekend, and you’ll happily get up earlier.

After my second started sleeping better at about 9 months dh suggested we split the weekend lie ins. I said you’ve had 9 months of not helping at night (pretty much at all, while baby is up all night long) and now suddenly you don’t think it’s fair?? I’m keeping my weekend lie ins for at least that long, fair is a two way street.

SpanielSprint · 07/11/2021 02:05

well that was kind of my point when we spoke about it - I said I might as well not go to bed! Or go to bed when DS does and we would never see each other in the evening.

I think you’re being a bit unrealistic here. 11pm seems very late to be going to bed when you have an ebf young baby. And especially now you’re pregnant again! When my DS was that age I was going to bed pretty much as soon as I could after DH got back from work - he would bring baby to me for the night when he woke for his 10pm feed. I hated not having an evening or seeing much of DH, but it’s only for a relatively short period of time in the grand scheme of things. We’ve got our second on the way and I’m resigned to losing my evenings again for a bit.

Don’t get me wrong, I think you should be given the chance to sleep longer in the mornings too if you are doing all the night feeds, but equally your DH needs a chance to get himself showered and ready for work and out of the door on time. I tend to have my shower in the evenings as it’s just too much of a rush in the mornings otherwise. Having a quick wash/dressing/brushing teeth etc can all be done after DH has left for work if necessary.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered · 07/11/2021 02:07

No!

Early in the thread people were talking about DH having a difficult boss, dictating his hours.

But he is his own boss!

HE needs to start later and finish earlier.

If that means employing more people to cover those hours then he should do that.

Architecture commands considerably more that minimum wage!

I speak as someone whose DH has his own business and they are as committed to it as we are to the children.

He needs to adjust his priorities and address work/life balance as PP said.

You're doing great OP, he;s lucky to have you.
It's him that that needs to change not you.

SpanielSprint · 07/11/2021 02:24

I really agree with this. OP’s DH is effectively choosing to work the hours he does, which can sometimes be a way of ducking out of family life I think. My DH also runs his own business and yes, sometimes there are unexpected busy periods where he has to work later (although he would always rather bring work home than miss bedtime if at all possible) but in general it’s a question of priorities and organising his work so that his hours are sensible, even if that means taking on more employees or turning away work. Also letting go and delegating a bit more (he does NOT always need to be the first one in and the last one out!)

DockOTheBay · 07/11/2021 02:33

Help him come up with some ways to reduce his workload in the morning. E.g. think of a breakfast which is easier to prepare such as weetabix or toast, suggest getting a microwave or making the porridge overnight in a slow cooker. Get a dog walker or take the dog for a shorter walk, then you do a longer walk later e.g. on the way to nursery. Things like getting 3 year olds clothes out ready the night before, or setting up some toys for him to play with in the mornings.

RantyAunty · 07/11/2021 02:54

It sounds like he needs to adjust his work hours and delegate some of his work to make room for family life.
He needs to take as much pride in being a good father and husband as much as setting an example for employees.

Being gone nearly every waking hour isn't it.

Yogaandcocoa · 07/11/2021 02:54

I see his point if you expect him to watch the children while you have a shower before work. Can't you just do it in the day? And then you're having another baby when you're little one is so young...

Can he afford to work less or employ someone else? Will you have a back to back mat leave and will this impact on your joint finances or will you be a SAHM?

MiniPumpkin · 07/11/2021 03:41

Stand your ground. My dc2 is 4months, dc1 is 3. Baby is formula fed, usually only up once in the night but I’m still really tired.. Dh works full time and I wake him at 6am some mornings to take baby so I can sleep for an hour, he then gets dc1 ready and drops her at nursery.
If I was you I’d need more sleep, 14 weeks is early days your body is still recovering plus you wil be tired now you are pregnant. Tell him no op

BobISMyUncle · 07/11/2021 03:54

That Poor Man! What are you thinking? Stick a broom handle up your arse, and you could be sweeping the floors as well!
Get a bloody grip!
For goodness sake, he takes out the bins! and does the gardening! YAY!
Take away his toilet paper. Get a new patio. Make sure there's room for him in said patio.
I actually got told off, by my friends, for what I did. They all thought he was so charming, gorgeous, lovely. He was a controlling dick.
I cleaned the toilet with his toothbrush. Especially his stubborn grubby little stains.
It's such a stress reliever!
AND! I have never felt any remorse. No regret. Have heart girl.
You make him sound like an absolute hero. When he isn't, in my eyes.
You allow him, to do this? You have allowed him, to do this? Who has responsibility? Him? You?
Sorry. Being harsh here x

mathanxiety · 07/11/2021 04:34

Tell him you find being up all hours breastfeeding while at the same time growing another human being inside you stressful and ask him if he would like to take over one of those jobs.

mathanxiety · 07/11/2021 04:37

He works for himself so likes to be there super early/make sure all is shut up properly and visits various sites through the day so he does need to give himself time to ravel. He takes a lot of pride/responsibility in overseeing everything and obviously wants to set a good example to his employees.

TBH this could also be a case of control freakery/ micromanagement, which is the exact opposite of good practice.

The microwave thing is bonkers IMO. Buy one, plug it in, and use it.

You can fashion a tin foil hat for him.

rainbowstardrops · 07/11/2021 05:08

You just need to sit down and communicate surely? It shouldn't be a case of who does more, or who is more tired/stressed than the other, it's a case of sitting down and tweaking the current situation together.

Is there a reason why you're not going to bed until 11pm?
Could either/both of you shower in the evening?
Could the dog have a quick five minute walk before DH goes to work and then you can give it a longer walk mid-morning or whenever?

I don't know your set-up but you both do, so sit down and work out how to help each other. And then once you've done that, baby number 3 will come and you'll have to start again! 😁

aloris · 07/11/2021 05:15

When you are watching an infant and a toddler it's important that you are not a zombie. You need a minimum level of alertness to supervise them safely. Also, since you are pregnant again, you'll need some rest in order to give your baby that's in utero the best start, as well as prevent yourself from becoming irreversibly run down by the demands of two close-together pregnancies (is this a virgin birth? I think not). His job is important, yes, but your health is not negotiable. So I think you need to insist, not only that you do NOT wake up earlier, but that he take on more of the load at home so you can get more rest than you are now getting.