Husband thinks I should get up earlier!

[AandWsMum]

I am currently on maternity leave for DC2 who is 14 weeks old and EBF. We also have a DS who is three and goes to nursery two days a week, and I’ve just found out I’m pregnant again with DC3, much to my surprise.

My husband works long-ish hours, leaving the house at 8am and getting home about 8pm. He gets up with DS about 5.45am. His job isn’t manual but involves a lot of travelling. In the morning he takes the dog for a walk, does breakfast for DS and gets ready.

I get up about 7am, but have normally been awake for longer feeding baby. He thinks I should get up earlier because he says he finds leaving in the morning stressful if I’m still getting ready, but usually everything is under control. He is never annoyed or moaning he just says it would

Apart from taking out the bins and gardening, I do literally everything else most of the time with him pitching in when he can - the shopping, cooking, cleaning, bath time, bedtime, taking kids to parties, organising bills, school run etc are all my responsibility. So if he’s about at bath time, he will do it while I clear up from dinner as an example but it’s not a given.

He struggles with being woken in the night so atm sleeps in the spare room while feed baby (I don’t mind tbh at least I get more space) but it also means I deal with the 3 y/o if he wakes up at any point too.

I go to bed around 11pm and feed baby usually from 1-2 and then again 3.30-5 ish.

I don’t mind doing everything I do and appreciate that the main reason he doesn’t is because he just not here, but I am also EXHAUSTED.

AIBU to stand my ground and stay in bed til 7am and leave him to do the early mornings?

@blairresignationjam

First off OP, being on maternity leave and caring for children is a full time job. If you weren't doing it you'd be paying someone else to. It is totally exhausting. The fact he leaves to go to work has no greater value than you being at home, and it's actually giving him a break to get out of the house. Some men are crazy. A night of broken sleep, is in no way shape or form the same as an uninterpreted night. Even if those broken up parts add up to the same amount of sleep. OP please try this - wake him and ask him to stay up with you each time you feed ... We'll see how happy he is then to be told he should be getting up earlier.

I can agree looking after children all day is a full-time job, but I think it's really unfair when people say that going to work is a "break". It's not a break, it's going to work. I have different stresses at work, expectations from managers, often shove a sandwich in while still working, have to be on top of my game every day.

So both parents are probably tired. OP from getting up in the night and DH from working 10-hour days. One does not trump the other.

No wonder so many mem walk out. The expectations are ridiculous. Forget the 20 minutes hair styling in the morning.

He thinks I should get up earlier because he says he finds leaving in the morning stressful if I’m still getting ready

In what way? Does he feel like he cannot leave, as the DC are unsupervised? What is his actual concern?

For me that “golden hour” between 5.30 and 6.30 (when I wake up again for baby) makes all the difference between me being a zombie or not during the day

I completely understand and share this experience. Like your set-up, I always did nights but DP covered this 'end of the night / start of the morning' hour or two, which meant on a bad night I always knew I had that little bit of sleep to look forward to and on a good one, could sleep until a time that made me feel human, rather than have to wake an hour earlier and feel perpetually worn out.

Why does DS get up at 5.45? If he's school age he doesn't need to get up until at least 7am! You need to establish a different morning routine and train him to stay in bed longer!

You also need to go to bed before 11pm then you wouldn't be as tired.

I think it sounds fine tbh. He gets up earlier but doesn't have broken sleep. That's how we've always worked things. If he leaves the house at 8, then 20 mins for you to shower etc. doesn't seem unreasonable. That leaves him 40 mins to get ready for work without having sole care of the kids, and presumably he's able to do the odd bit of preparation when he's up with the 3yo anyway.

Mornings with young kids are just hard work.

Being allowed to wash and dry your hair a couple of times a week is not a "ridiculous expectation. Nor is the expectation that a father living with his children might actually want to see them from one weekend to the next.

You must be shattered @rainbowstardrops. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

so you are up twice in the night with a small baby AND pregnant, also looking after another child and he’s like you to get up before 7.30… I’m at a loss to know why he can’t manage for such a short time. Which bit of the morning is he finding tricky?

my DH wouldn’t have woken me up in those circs unless there was a bastard emergency!

My DH did similar with awful hours and we took turns on Saturdays / Sundays having a 2 hour sleep or just relaxing by ourselves during the day… we also batch cooked a meal for the week.

We did this for a tough year or so.

At least when you can express - he can do one of the weekend nights for you so you can get proper sleep. It will get better but he has to realise how shit continually getting so little and broken sleep can be for you night after night…

Your health and your unborn child’s is more important than him having to juggle for a short time in the morning… And if he was getting as little sleep as you were in the mornings he’d KNOW this of course.

@Viviennemary

No wonder so many mem walk out. The expectations are ridiculous. Forget the 20 minutes hair styling in the morning.

@Viviennemary Try reading the OP's post. It's five minutes every few days.

@BackBackBack to be honest even if it was 20 minutes to feel juman for the rest of the day I wouldn’t really begrudge anyone that 😂

Maybe I’ll get the straighteners out ha

Isn't it amazing to find yourself pregnant

In your shoes I would be going to bed at 9pm.

Eat early dinner with 3yo, get him to bed, do a few household things, express milk so DH can do 10pm feed, go to bed.

DH can cook or warm something up for dinner when he comes in (you could cook during the day, or either of you batch cook and freeze at weekends). Have his bath, relax a bit, do 10pm feed, bed.

Why do you prioritise eating dinner with your DH every week day, so late? Sure it's nice to have social time together but, when one of you works long unsocial hours and the other is up all night with a baby, these 'nice things to do among grown-ups' activities go by the wayside. Certainly during the week.

I think you need to prioritise yourself and your needs a bit more, his preferences a bit less. I think you're overstretching yourself, burning the candle at both ends, in an attempt to please everyone.

@AandWsMum

I do appreciate that he works a long day - he runs his own architecture firm which is fairly busy and does a lot of travel. Before we had DS I worked as an ICU nurse so regularly worked 13 hour shifts with commuting time on top of that, so I’m no stranger to a long day either!

@AandWsMum

Why does your husband choose to spend so much time away from you and DC?
He's prioritising being at work over his family and you're enabling that

As an architect he doesn't need to be working 13 hour days. He's choosing to because he's assuming you'll do everything else

Also, what is your husband doing at weekends? You say you do all shopping, cooking, taking DC to parties etc. Why?

[quote AandWsMum]@BackBackBack to be honest even if it was 20 minutes to feel juman for the rest of the day I wouldn’t really begrudge anyone that 😂

Maybe I’ll get the straighteners out ha[/quote]
Careful - someone will end up calling social services

These comments are unfair about OPS DH working till 8pm. OP has stated no where this is becoming an issue or that she would like her DH to work a 9-5.
She doesn’t have to state it, but her DH working such long hours is obviously a contributing factor to the strain felt by both OP and DH at home.

Usually long shifts mean you are off at least one day during the week unlike a 9 to 5.
You need to read the OP’s updates. The DH isn’t working a ‘shift’ for an employer. He runs his own architects practice. His hours are almost entirely of his own choosing and more than likely not always high level stress either. Bet you he gets more coffee breaks and moments of calm during the day than the OP does!

Genuine question here-given that things are difficult now, why did you both think having a third child was wise? See it so often on MN. People struggling in their relationships/family life yet having more and more kids. Its really irresponsible in my opinion!

* He thinks I should get up earlier because he says he finds leaving in the morning stressful if I’m still getting ready, but usually everything is under control.*

So he is not asking you to get up and do breakfast? He just wants to be sure you are ready yourself before he leaves?

If I read that right, he’s worried about you being ok when he walks out the door. And of course there will be times when you aren’t quite ready. Just help him understand that your sleep is more important than your hair drying routine and if some days will just have to be stressful in the morning because that’s the reality of having young children

@JHMJHM

Genuine question here-given that things are difficult now, why did you both think having a third child was wise? See it so often on MN. People struggling in their relationships/family life yet having more and more kids. Its really irresponsible in my opinion!

Oh FGS. Read the full thread!

Could you get your 3 year old more hours at nursery? Only 2 days there doesn't give you enough time to recover from the lack of sleep as you can't sleep during the day when they are at home.

@howmuchmningistoomuch I think you've tagged me by mistake but you're right, I am exhausted! 😉😁 It would be a miracle if I was pregnant I can tell you!

I have read the full thread @Nimello. What have I missed? So often people complain of not coping yet have more kids. I think it is insane and ultimately the marriages break down.

@SpanielSprint

These comments are unfair about OPS DH working till 8pm. OP has stated no where this is becoming an issue or that she would like her DH to work a 9-5. She doesn’t have to state it, but her DH working such long hours is obviously a contributing factor to the strain felt by both OP and DH at home.

Usually long shifts mean you are off at least one day during the week unlike a 9 to 5.
You need to read the OP’s updates. The DH isn’t working a ‘shift’ for an employer. He runs his own architects practice. His hours are almost entirely of his own choosing and more than likely not always high level stress either. Bet you he gets more coffee breaks and moments of calm during the day than the OP does!

I know I have read! They are STILL shifts! Although OP has not stated how many days her DH works?

He is the main earner though that's what I'm trying to say so to some extent you and others are being unrealistic. If it's so easy why isn't her DH starting work at 10am or 11am? Get in the real world.... why is he working till 8pm??

OP has not said she wants her DH home earlier at any point. You ran away with your own assumptions

I get up about 7am, but have normally been awake for longer feeding baby. He thinks I should get up earlier because he says he finds leaving in the morning stressful if I’m still getting ready, but usually everything is under control

This isn't his first DC. He needs to get a grip and accept that the early weeks/months with a new baby stretch everyone.

He can either take over the night feeds or you continue the night feeds and get up at 7.00.

Either way, buy in any help you can afford which will give you both a bit less work - be it dog walking, cleaning, laundry help, whatever. Even if its just a couple of hours a week.

As for posters blaming you for what was an unplanned pregnancy words fail me. Even in 2021 I don't think we yet have women who can produce both eggs and sperm.

@SpanielSprint no he didn't sit around because he wasn't home. He worked a 1.5 hour commute away. He wasn't home till gone 7:30 when the kids were in bed - plus I did last breast-feeds before bed so he couldn'thave done that anyway! It wasn't for forever but it was where he had to work at that time as that was where the jobs were.

Whenever I see a thread like this, I think the way to solve it is for the partner (usually a man on these threads) to try doing multiple night feeds and then looking after a baby in the day as well as house jobs. They'd then not balk at doing morning chores as it's definitely the easier job.

You must be knackered OP, he needs to just crack on with mornings and whilst he's at it he can do evenings as well , he may as well get used to it as you'll soon be heavily pregnant with a crawling 9 month old and pre schooler and will need to take every chance at rest you can.