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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH calls his mum first

234 replies

JSmithy438 · 03/11/2021 11:00

I know I probably need to get a grip but it is really p me off when ever something bad happens to DH or there is a crisis for him he calls his mum first to tell her and me second. If it is something that involves me or the kids then he will call me first and his mum second but still I'd like to think he would call me first all the time.

Yesterday he had a REALLY bad day at work and was super upset, he called his mum first then me second.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 03/11/2021 11:12

Is his mom supportive?
How often does he have a crisis for this to be a problem?
Could you have done anything practically to help?

Hamster1111 · 03/11/2021 11:14

Does he talk to you about it when he is home? I can see why you're hurt but he might think he can talk to his mum on the phone and you in person later?

Original poster
JSmithy438 · 03/11/2021 11:15

Is his mum supportive I would say no as she just gets very angry at whoever has upset her son rather than actually try to help.

It doesn't happen that often well maybe once every couple of months.

I don't think it's about helping tbh.

OP posts:
Cantstopthewaves · 03/11/2021 11:16

It would put me off him a little- running to his mum. I'd not find it very attractive.
How old is he?

lastqueenofscotland · 03/11/2021 11:17

I think YABU
I go to my mum first she’s a bit better with practical advice!

greenlynx · 03/11/2021 11:17

Could it be that you are at work whereas his mum not and he wants to offload to someone ASAP?

TotallySuper · 03/11/2021 11:17

He's a mummy's boy. You won't change him and honestly does it really matter. - he still calls you 2nd. I couldn't get worked up over this.

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 03/11/2021 11:17

This isn’t particularly helpful for you but as the mother of boys I find this extremely comforting, given how many husbands on MN it seems follow their wives around and drop their mothers!

Original poster
JSmithy438 · 03/11/2021 11:18

Hamster1111 I don't think so, yesterday he called hims mum at work and then me straight after.

OP posts:
TheChip · 03/11/2021 11:20

Maybe his mum provides the side of engaging with his frustration over the situation and you provide more a useful listening ear.
Sometimes when we are annoyed, we want people to just listen and see it fully from our side to begin with. His mother might fill that gap, and then you help properly when he's calmer.

DinaofCloud9 · 03/11/2021 11:20

A mummy's boy because he asks his mother for advice?

It seems to be OK if a woman confides in her mother but a man is pathetic if he does. Good old double standards at play as usual.

steff13 · 03/11/2021 11:21

Is his mum supportive I would say no as she just gets very angry at whoever has upset her son rather than actually try to help.

Maybe he doesn't want help, maybe he just wants someone to commiserate. That sounds like what she's doing. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, per se. Sometimes I just want to complain about something before I try to figure out how to resolve the issue.

Original poster
JSmithy438 · 03/11/2021 11:21

He's 33 which is old enough I think.

The thing is him and the children are my world so why wouldn't I want to tell him first? Sadly he doesn't feel the same.

His mum was at work and it was my day off! Grr.

OP posts:
withpeaceandlove · 03/11/2021 11:23

I call my mum first and I'm not a 'mummy's girlI'. She just gives god advice and is better at calming me down. It's not immature to have a good relationship with your mother

girlmom21 · 03/11/2021 11:24

I think 'helping' is exactly what it's about to be honest.

If DP needs emotional support, he'll call me.
If he needs practical support, he'll likely call his dad.
If he needs financial support, he'll probably call his mom.

TillyTopper · 03/11/2021 11:24

Have you asked him directly and told him it upsets you? Honestly if DP did this it would really put me off him as a "mummy's boy". And have to ask what guy has so many issues at work that he needs support every couple of months? I've been with DP 25+ years, I can't say either of us have every called our parents about work and we only occasionally discuss it with each other.

AlbusDumbledore2234 · 03/11/2021 11:28

Sounds like my ex. Always on the phone to his Mummy about everything. Even now he is straight on to her with the slightest issues. Its pathetic behaviour from a man in his 30s.

Jasmine11 · 03/11/2021 11:29

I hope that my son will always come to me in a crisis, even when he is 47 :) I wouldn’t read too much into it OP, his mum may provide a better person to rant at when something goes wrong where you as his wife might be more practical and looking for ways to fix whatever it is, and that’s not the response he is after in the moment.

Scarydinosaurs · 03/11/2021 11:29
  1. You can’t dictate to people what they do when they’re upset to cope with their emotions. If he wants to talk it through with his mum that’s his choice.
  2. The fact this makes you upset reveals an immaturity in wanting to be ‘first’ and viewing it as a slight on you. This isn’t about you. It’s about how he feels when he has had a bad experience and trying to feel better.

It’s really good to talk instead of bottling things up. Even if his mum isn’t ‘helping’ it clearly helps him as he keeps calling her. Unless he says it’s a problem, then I don’t think you need to do anything other than be supportive yourself as it doesn’t effect you being called first or second.

Original poster
JSmithy438 · 03/11/2021 11:29

Years ago I did actually change my approach so now I do let him vent and support that vent, once thats done I then offer help and advice.

There's no double standards here.

steff13 maybe you are right but it still makes me feel 2nd best.

OP posts:
PlanDeRaccordement · 03/11/2021 11:30

YABU
It’s not a contest between you and his mum.

washingmachines4 · 03/11/2021 11:31

Sounds like you are wanting to help in these situations - natural to want to come up with solutions. I am the same
Sounds like what he is getting from her is just the ability to offload the rant/story without being offered next steps which can be cathartic even if it does prolong the suffering. Perhaps just try listening next time he speaks to you about his issues, it may be he comes to you first - perhaps ask 'do you want me to just listen or help with solutions?'
He may go to her to just get it off his chest because he needs to, then he comes to you feeling better that he has done that ready for solutions. Try not to take it personally, if he whined at you all the time you might wish he would go back to offloading on her first! :)

zoemum2006 · 03/11/2021 11:33

Maybe think of it as a positive thing. You aren’t solely responsible for his emotional well-being.

Do you otherwise feel quite loved and important to him?

ApolloandDaphne · 03/11/2021 11:34

You are both important people in his life. His DM has been there for him much longer than you have and it is probably instinctive to go to her first to give him time to vent and calm a bit before telling you. I would see it as protecting you from the full onslaught of his worry or anxiety.

Original poster
JSmithy438 · 03/11/2021 11:35

He has some MH issues and so I assume it is the emotional support his mum proves him.

If he was calling for tips on football obviously I wouldnt expect him to call me but this is different.

I've mentioned it before ages ago but I don't want him to call first because he feels he has to but because he wants to.

Scarydinosaurs I would never dictate and I wouldnt say I'm immature either.

OP posts:
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