DH calls his mum first

[JSmithy438]

I know I probably need to get a grip but it is really p me off when ever something bad happens to DH or there is a crisis for him he calls his mum first to tell her and me second. If it is something that involves me or the kids then he will call me first and his mum second but still I'd like to think he would call me first all the time.

Yesterday he had a REALLY bad day at work and was super upset, he called his mum first then me second.

@Aquamarine1029

My guess is that he doesn't want your suggestions on how to "fix" things. He just wants a safe sounding board to vent his frustrations to, and that happens to be his mum.

I agree with this.

And I wish I could have a mum like that. Mine has never been just ears & heart, she's usually an arse with a mouth

So it's ok for a woman to be close to her Mum and want to tell her stuff, but if a man does that he's a "mummy's boy"....fuck that! Outdated, sexist and total double-standards right there, usually churned out by women who are jealous of the relationship between her partner and his mum and want the latter out of the picture.

@neededafart

My Dad is my first call in most situations. He tends to calm things down, put me in the right frame of mind and alter the way I am thinking of a situation.

Same! I always phone my Dad first. (Especially if I'm annoyed at DH and need to rant )

I hope my DS always feels like he can ring me. My DH phoned his mum multiple times a day when she was alive. I speak to my parents most days, often more than once.
We're both proper grown ups with a house, kids, responsibility and have had our fair share of shit. It's just what our families do.

(We are also a family of "I'll just pop in" though, in that we don't phone to say we're coming, we just turn up. I know a lot of people would be horrified by this.)

He thought he was having a heart attack last year and phoned him mam and dad not me but he says he can't see why it bothers me.

Tell him to phone an ambulance next time...

@Cantstopthewaves

It would put me off him a little- running to his mum. I'd not find it very attractive. How old is he?

The flip-side is that it's less hassle for OP to deal with.

@Cantstopthewaves

It would put me off him a little- running to his mum. I'd not find it very attractive. How old is he?

If my partner was judging my attractiveness on who I go to in a crisis I'd be a bit concerned tbh...

You're never too old to want your mum in a crisis OP, but then with saying that... I lived with the same problem with my Ex. It is frustrating.

And I wish I could have a mum like that. Mine has never been just ears & heart, she's usually an arse with a mouth
Love your description. 🤣

@Stonerosie67

So it's ok for a woman to be close to her Mum and want to tell her stuff, but if a man does that he's a "mummy's boy"....fuck that! Outdated, sexist and total double-standards right there, usually churned out by women who are jealous of the relationship between her partner and his mum and want the latter out of the picture.

Yes, and I feel someone should post a link to this thread from all the threads that regularly come up on here there's a current one on '30 Days Only' from mothers of sons, worried about being sidelined because 'A son's a son till he takes a wife, a daughter's a daughter for all of her life.'

Women who feel their husbands should cease to talk to their mothers/confide in them, and think A Man Only Has Room for One Woman In His Life and That's Me are part of this problem.

@overway, that sounds like a much more extreme situation, and I can entirely see why it contributed to the end of your marriage.

People talk about toxic masculinity and it's negative impact on women. They talk about seeking help with mental health and not suffering in silence, and how damaging it is to suppress emotions.

Then you come onto this thread and a man is deemed "pathetic" and a mummy's boy because he speaks to his mother and doesn't live up to a butch stereotype.

My DH does this sometimes and I find it repellent. He shares almost every single detail of our lives with his DM. They speak every day. It makes it impossible to make small talk with her, every time I tell her anything about what we've been up to or any funny DC stories she just says "yes I know, [clingyson] told me".

But when I call him on it he says "you'll want our DC to ring you every day when you're old" and I can't really argue with that!

Women "run" to their mothers all the time. it's such a cliché!

but a man does it and it's suddenly "how old is he?" "mummy' boy" "man-child"
Don't people know statistics, that a man is far more likely to commit suicide than a woman?
Could it be possible that if those men had their mothers or anyone trusted to just listen to run to maybe, just maybe at least some of those tragedies could have been prevented?

why is it ok for a woman to have a support system that works for her, but wrong if a man does the same???
sheesh, double standards or what? shame on you

@JSmithy438

He has some MH issues and so I assume it is the emotional support his mum proves him.

If he was calling for tips on football obviously I wouldnt expect him to call me but this is different.

I've mentioned it before ages ago but I don't want him to call first because he feels he has to but because he wants to.

Scarydinosaurs I would never dictate and I wouldnt say I'm immature either.

I'd like to think a grown man / woman does not need to have MH issues to be able to freely call either of their parents for whatever kind of support they need in that particular moment of time.

YABVU. It's not a competition, don't make it into one.

I am far far from a daddy's girl but I ring my dad for advice, even before previous relationships... he's my best mate

I'm the same as your DH, if it's something related to him or our child I ring him!
If it's something else I normally ring my Mam. Aka bad day at work etc I still tell my husband but normally ring her first as we both have a whinge at each other and say that's crap! Then hubby bless him just sits and listens which is what I need after!

I've been with my DH for 15 years and he rings me first for a problem he likes for me just to listen and be a sounding board!
Different personalities/scenarios need different things!
When I was in labour all I wanted was DH, needed no one else!

Is his mum supportive I would say no as she just gets very angry at whoever has upset her son rather than actually try to help.

As a pp said maybe that's what he needs.

His mum has been there his entire life and he has a close relationship with her. Dont see the harm tbh. Maybe my view is skewed because I'm estranged, but I think having a good relationship with your parents should be encouraged not met with petty jealousy

Don't you know,, Mum's know best ! they listen, and have solutions for almost anything.

I feel as if woman go to their mums for support (if they are supportive of course!) but if men do the same it's somehow strange?

I don't tend to go to my mum unless I have a real problem, for reasons, but DH isn't necessarily my first port of call, either. I might chat with a friend or something.

I wouldn't be worried about this. In fact, for some things, I'm happy when he rings his mum, because she's worked in a similar field to his and can give him good advice.

I suppose it depends on the kind of relationship you want. I would personally want to be intimate with someone who didn't always call someone else first. Others might not care.

I think it highly likely that, if he has to have crises and be making these SOS calls like this, and always to one person, he's dependent and they're enmeshed. I would wonder what happens if there's an marital argument. Does he call her then too. Does she encourage him to stand on his own feet or encourage him to see the world as victimising him. What happens when a decision needs to be made that will affect the op and is already been discussed with mum so if op has a different view he's 'caught in the middle'. What happens when a boundary is needed as they always, always are. Does he know how to assert himself. What happens when mum and Gran have different views on raising children. What happens if op tries to observe that he seems to make a lot of sos phone calls. Does he observe that and take an opportunity for personal growth? I doubt it because he's got a person to call already.

@Snoozer11

People talk about toxic masculinity and it's negative impact on women. They talk about seeking help with mental health and not suffering in silence, and how damaging it is to suppress emotions.

Then you come onto this thread and a man is deemed "pathetic" and a mummy's boy because he speaks to his mother and doesn't live up to a butch stereotype.

@Snoozer11

abso-fucking-lutely!!

we somewhat x-posted but totally my thoughts as well!

he calls his mum for support. maybe he has MH issues, maybe not. either way wtaf is wrong with a man calling their mother?
would people be more tolerant if he called his dad?
would they mock him as "daddy's boy"?
I doubt it

as a mother of 6 sons and a daughter so many of the responses are quite upsetting actually.
all our kids know they can always rely on me and their father too. for some things we are interchangeble, while I'm better at dealing with some things, while DH is better at others.
they ask whoever is better for the job.
if at some point it will be a best friend, a spouse, a teacher, a doctor, a postman.... I wouldn't give a shit!! I'd just be happy they get the help they need.
But if I'm the best to help I'd be incredibly upset if someone was begrudging that...just because he is a man!!🤬🤬🤬

All my adult kids call me when the have a problem (both the girls and the boys). I’m good at being a sounding board and I give good advice. They tell me that. I’ve had their partners call me in emergencies too.

None of my kids are mummies boys or mummies ‘girls’
I don’t tell people what they should do I just make suggestions and am supportive of their choices.

I’m in my 50s and I still phone my Mum

If he contacts you first when it affects you or the children I don’t see the problem. Different people provide different support and it doesn’t sound like he’s hiding things.

Sounds like he uses talking to his mum as a way of processing something that is confronting/bothering/challenging him. If she responds predictably the same way each time by jumping to his defence, he's got a bit of time to process the situation before moving to analysis/problem-solving.
I do this often because i don't share commitments/finances/responsibilities with my parent, they are a trusted person but are removed in a way now im an adult. so its easier to talk to my spouse second when im ready to solve the issue/ ready to take on opinions (esp if its a situation that affects our life, family, finances).

For all that MN prides itself on being against gender stereotypes, the phrases "mummy's boy" and "running to his mummy" do get wheeled out a lot.