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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH calls his mum first

234 replies

JSmithy438 · 03/11/2021 11:00

I know I probably need to get a grip but it is really p me off when ever something bad happens to DH or there is a crisis for him he calls his mum first to tell her and me second. If it is something that involves me or the kids then he will call me first and his mum second but still I'd like to think he would call me first all the time.

Yesterday he had a REALLY bad day at work and was super upset, he called his mum first then me second.

OP posts:
larkle · 03/11/2021 14:04

I remember a guest post on here on Mothering Sunday by a woman who had lost her mother. She admitted that it was her mother who she turned to first in a crisis and who she told first when she was pregnant and talked to first about the sex of her unborn children. She found the loss of her mother very hard to bear.
She received nothing but kindness, support and sympathy from posters. Imagine if a male poster wrote a similar piece about the death of his mother. There would no doubt be abuse about him being a 'Mummy's boy'.
You are being very unreasonable OP

Hollywolly1 · 03/11/2021 14:06

I don't think the op has a problem with her husband telling his mother problems, its the fact he goes to her first rather than his wife

chunkymonkey101 · 03/11/2021 14:07

I think yabu. My first call in any situation was always my Dad. I love my DH but my Dad was my person who was practical and gave me the best advice. It was not a snub to my DH who is great, its just my dad was also great.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 03/11/2021 14:14

@JSmithy438

There are some thought provoking replies thank you.

Maybe there is no right or wrong way but it's not right for me, I want to be the go to person.

@JSmithy438

but you aren't right now and might not ever be.
then what?

some men won't talk to anyone they bury it: go straight to the pub, the gym, go for a run, work extra hours, overeat etc.
some take it out on others: wives, kids, colleagues
some might even start doing dangerous stuff

yours have found a safe solution that works for him.
do you want to be better than 2nd best? then allow him to continue to get the support he needs instead of focusing on what you want.

AryaStarkWolf · 03/11/2021 14:20

as a mother of 6 sons and a daughter so many of the responses are quite upsetting actually.
all our kids know they can always rely on me and their father too. for some things we are interchangeble, while I'm better at dealing with some things, while DH is better at others.
they ask whoever is better for the job.
if at some point it will be a best friend, a spouse, a teacher, a doctor, a postman.... I wouldn't give a shit!! I'd just be happy they get the help they need.
But if I'm the best to help I'd be incredibly upset if someone was begrudging that...just because he is a man!!

I have one son, he's 17 now, we're very close, this thread makes me sad at how mothers and sons relationships are "supposed" to end up when they get older and I hope that doesn't happen to my son and me. I also have a daughter and don't have that worry at all because us being close is "allowed" ............apparently.

DuckAndPancakes · 03/11/2021 14:34

Some wonderfully vile, sexist shit being spouted in here Hmm Why do some women seem to be so very against men having relationships with anyone else and seem to think they have ownership?

merrygoround51 · 03/11/2021 14:37

@DuckAndPancakes It’s all part of the Mumsnet ‘just us’ nuclear family narrative. What these posters don’t get is that they will also get older and their children will learn by watching them and in turn will choose to ignore their parents as it’s all about the ‘just us’ family

larkle · 03/11/2021 14:44

I think it is a refusal by some posters and by society in general that men have a right to emotional support. Suicide rates for men are so much higher than for women. We recognise the part played by family and friends in supporting our well being but when it comes to men, some posters think that men should not be allowed contact with their birth families and with being allowed to maintain friendships.
I really, really hope that MN leads the way in changing this sexist and damaging culture.

DysmalRadius · 03/11/2021 14:45

A very dear friend of mine once had a pretty severe mental health crisis. Of all the people she spoke to at that time, the person who she had dreaded speaking to most (interfering and self-centred aunt) had astonished by saying: 'Call anyone that makes you feel better. Don't worry about what anyone else thinks - you have to call the person that can help.' And she said it was so lovely because that was what she needed to do and it came from such an unexpected source that it really helped her focus. Perhaps this is just one of those things that you can't change - can you live with it?

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 03/11/2021 14:47

@DysmalRadius

what a lovely story. she was spot on

Original poster
JSmithy438 · 03/11/2021 14:51

Some great responses thank you it does help.

I think there is probably a deeper running issues, it's not that his family hate me it is just that they all have very tight bonds which is great but I can sometimes feel like a spare part.

OP posts:
Original poster
JSmithy438 · 03/11/2021 14:52

where as my family treat him like family I don't get that from his

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 03/11/2021 14:55

@JSmithy438

Some great responses thank you it does help.

I think there is probably a deeper running issues, it's not that his family hate me it is just that they all have very tight bonds which is great but I can sometimes feel like a spare part.

You say in your OP that you have children, do you have any sons? Wouldn't you like them to stay close to you and lean on you if they needed support when they're older too?
merrygoround51 · 03/11/2021 15:08

OP all families are different and some are more ‘clannish’ than others but don’t make this a competition

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 03/11/2021 15:24

@JSmithy438

you say you something feel like a spare part.
because of the phone calls?
or are they shutting you out in person too?

if it's just the calls then that's private between them. imagine he was calling his therapist first - would you feel shut out?

if they do this in person that's a different problem - but you didn't mention it before and you know that dripfeeding never goes down well here.
if they exclude you from things to the point of upset or ignore you in person then you must talk to your DH about that. he needs to not do that.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 03/11/2021 15:24

*sometimes

not something

grapewine · 03/11/2021 15:26

@neededafart

My Dad is my first call in most situations. He tends to calm things down, put me in the right frame of mind and alter the way I am thinking of a situation.
This is me, too
icedcoffees · 03/11/2021 15:30

Maybe there is no right or wrong way but it's not right for me, I want to be the go to person.

But it's not for you to decide who that person is for him.

I often go to my mum for advice/support over DH. That doesn't mean I don't value his opinion or his support, but DH can be a bit too pragmatic and will say "Oh, just do x then" and sometimes I don't want that - I just want someone to agree with me that the situation is shit or unfair, lol.

If he tried to complain about me going to my mum for support I wouldn't be very impressed, tbh.

larkle · 03/11/2021 15:31

A lot of posters seem to want to make it into a competition. There is a underlying subtext in some posts that my husband is now part of my family and I don't want him talking to his family.
That is not right and not healthy. You don't need to be super friendly with his family but do recognise his need of them.

ivykaty44 · 03/11/2021 15:49

I think there is probably a deeper running issues, it's not that his family hate me it is just that they all have very tight bonds which is great but I can sometimes feel like a spare part.

its not uncommon to feel like an outsider, within a family - that normal even if you're born into that family. Its due to personality.

You may well bring other things to the table for your dp and his family, different experiences and different ideas.

stop feeling insecure in yourself - you and your dp are on a different level to his family, you are together as a couple and that runs deeper, deeper than friendship and different from other relationships for obvious reasons

Northernparent68 · 03/11/2021 15:59

@TillyTopper

Have you asked him directly and told him it upsets you? Honestly if DP did this it would really put me off him as a "mummy's boy". And have to ask what guy has so many issues at work that he needs support every couple of months? I've been with DP 25+ years, I can't say either of us have every called our parents about work and we only occasionally discuss it with each other.
I think this hits the nail on the head. The issue is n’t who he calls but why he’s in meltdown so often
gannett · 03/11/2021 16:48

Off the top of my head I can imagine if you work in hospitality you'd have work crises more often than every two months these days. Is a stressful job that hard to comprehend?

"He shouldn't have so many work crises" has a distinct air of "having worries is unmanly and we could never be attracted to such a wuss, eh ladies".

girlmom21 · 03/11/2021 16:51

@gannett

Off the top of my head I can imagine if you work in hospitality you'd have work crises more often than every two months these days. Is a stressful job that hard to comprehend?

"He shouldn't have so many work crises" has a distinct air of "having worries is unmanly and we could never be attracted to such a wuss, eh ladies".

I suppose it depends on what he/OP see as a crisis.

Although if he has mental health difficulties there's a chance he could struggle with certain situations that his mom could talk him down from, that lots of people would be able to deal with without much difficulty

black2black · 03/11/2021 16:52

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

This isn’t particularly helpful for you but as the mother of boys I find this extremely comforting, given how many husbands on MN it seems follow their wives around and drop their mothers!
Hahaha exactly what I was just thinking Grin
AryaStarkWolf · 03/11/2021 16:53

@gannett

Off the top of my head I can imagine if you work in hospitality you'd have work crises more often than every two months these days. Is a stressful job that hard to comprehend?

"He shouldn't have so many work crises" has a distinct air of "having worries is unmanly and we could never be attracted to such a wuss, eh ladies".

mmhhmm absolutely agree, some of the attitudes in here are pretty shocking
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