DH calls his mum first

[JSmithy438]

I know I probably need to get a grip but it is really p me off when ever something bad happens to DH or there is a crisis for him he calls his mum first to tell her and me second. If it is something that involves me or the kids then he will call me first and his mum second but still I'd like to think he would call me first all the time.

Yesterday he had a REALLY bad day at work and was super upset, he called his mum first then me second.

This would bother me too.

My Dad is my first call in most situations.
He tends to calm things down, put me in the right frame of mind and alter the way I am thinking of a situation.

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

This isn’t particularly helpful for you but as the mother of boys I find this extremely comforting, given how many husbands on MN it seems follow their wives around and drop their mothers!

Given the massive amount of mummy's boy threads we see on MN I don't get this post.

Its pathetic behaviour from a man in his 30s.

Why though? If a woman rang her mam to off load or rant or talk you wouldn't bat an eye at it!

@DinaofCloud9

A mummy's boy because he asks his mother for advice?

It seems to be OK if a woman confides in her mother but a man is pathetic if he does. Good old double standards at play as usual.

This.

I think tu ou go to different people for different types of support, some for listening some for advice, plus you live with him so were going to hear about it all evening. I'd ring my mum or sister over dh a lot because hell hear about it at home

@MamDancer

I guess we read different MN posts! I see loads where the DIL hates the MIL
And the MIL never gets to come to things blah blah blah. This post itself is telling = man has close relationship with mother therefore that’s a problem.

Is his mum supportive I would say no as she just gets very angry at whoever has upset her son rather than actually try to help.

That's probably what he wants.

It's not a competition. You fulfill different roles. Don't change how you respond just to ensure he calls you first. Be thankful he calls her to vent and then you when he's ready to think of solutions.

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

This isn’t particularly helpful for you but as the mother of boys I find this extremely comforting, given how many husbands on MN it seems follow their wives around and drop their mothers!

I totally agree!

Also, I would always call my mum first too. She tells me what I want to hear and just is my comfort blanket. My DH will also comfort me but a bit more to the point so sometimes I’m not ready for that

Years ago I did actually change my approach so now I do let him vent and support that vent, once that's done I then offer help and advice.

This is why my husband is not the first person I call. I prefer to talk it though with my sister first because her approach is more similar to mine, where as, he goes straight to "well that's what it is, accept and move on". And that approach feels unsupportive to me.

I find it a bit odd that a male or female would default to a parent at that age, rather than a partner. But my parents weren't terribly supportive so maybe that clouds my view, I was very independent from about 16/17.

I was recently on holiday with a friend who rang her mum about 3 times a day, had her sorting out letters for solicitors about an insurance problem she had, asking advice about buying a new house, then something else about her DS's .... I found it all very over whelming and over involved to be honest.

OP Its because at the moment in time he isn't looking for solutions. He is looking for some one to get equally pissed off on his behalf and show righteous indignation on his behalf! There are certain people I will speak to first in certain situations because I know I will get the response I am looking for from them first time.

My Dh is a problem solver so if I am looking for a bitch/moan/vent I will not speak to him first as I need to let that steam off first. I will ring a particular friend who will get on the bandwagon with me for a short while

If I need something solving quick I will call DH

It doesn't happen that often well maybe once every couple of months.
From your OP I assumed it was a daily thing.
If it is only in a crisis I don't see the problem.
His DM is supportive in her own way, it comforts him.

It’s his mum, he’s grown up his whole life with her as a support system. I don’t think you should take it so personal, it doesn’t mean he loves you any less and he probably doesn’t even realise he’s doing it

@JSmithy438

Is his mum supportive I would say no as she just gets very angry at whoever has upset her son rather than actually try to help.

It doesn't happen that often well maybe once every couple of months.

I don't think it's about helping tbh.

I think this may be the crux of it OP.

One of my adult DC would never call me first in the event of a shit day at work, because, like you, I would go straight into "problem solving mode" and this is absolutely not what they want to hear. They want to hear huge swathes of sympathy and that's about it.

So instead of seeing this as a competition between yourself and MIL, just see it as him meeting his own needs. He tells MIL because she will say "Poor you darling, mummy will hunt them down and kill them for you." Then when he needs practical direction help maybe he comes to you?

Just want to say thanks for the replies I'll check back in after work.

If I talk to my husband about stuff that's bothering me/upsetting me/causing problems he wants to fix it.

If I talk to my mother about the same, she listens then asks what she can do to support me.

My husband makes the same complaint as you JSmithy438 because my mother is the default person I turn to. I told him why and he is capable of just letting me vent...but I can tell he's just waiting for his opportunity to offer a 'fix' so overall it's not helpful.

It's good that your husband has a relationship with his mother that goes beyond birthday and Christmas cards.

I don't think it's that unusual — there was once a question on Family Fortunes "Who would you call in an emergency?", and "My mum" was definitely high up on the board!

His mum probably always takes his side, and that's sometimes what you want when you're feeling fed up! Then he can talk to you more sensibly about it afterwards.

YABU
I turn to my mum before DH. My mum is just better in a crisis and she gives better advice (IMO).

I don't see anything wrong with it. I call my mum first sometimes, no one would bat an eye at that. What's wrong with a man calling his mum to talk through something if he's feeling sad/annoyed?

Yabu.

I don't know why you're so excited to hear about work problems; are the stories really that wild?

I wouldn't get excited about this; he isn't hiding anything from you he's just giving her the first rant and that's just a sign they have a close friendship. You should be pleased for them both if you care about them.

Personally i dont think you should view it as a competition between you . you have different roles but also ones that cross over .

if it was a woman talking to her mum no one would bat an eyelid

My adult DS’ would probably call me first, as they seem to think I have the answer for everything, a learned the behaviour from DH.

Nope, I would always go straight to my mum because my mum wouldn't try to fix it, she'd just give me a hug, listen and tell me it'd be ok.

Now she's passed away I go to DH first, unfortunately he's crap at listening to me rant and always try's to fix it. I don't need you to fix it, I need you to listen to me being unreasonable and feed me biscuits.

It's caused many an argument, so now the first thing I do when he asks me what's wrong is say "I don't need solutions, I just need to rant."

It would put me off him a little- running to his mum. I'd not find it very attractive

He's a mummy's boy

God help us. According to you lot, men aren't allowed to open up to anyone other than their wives, are they?

We all know that men aren't good at listening to each other's problems and many on here would be disgusted if a husband had a close female friend, while they are also not allowed to tell their mothers their problems.

No wonder so many men are totally fucked up.