Page 9 | DH calls his mum first

MRex · 04/11/2021 17:52

@MollyMinniesMum

Does he still breast feed too?

Easy to see why your friends and family choose not to talk to you, thankfully most people inhabit a world with multiple adults in their lives who love them.

Same360 · 04/11/2021 17:55

I find it embarrassing when people are worried/bothered about who their partners call first, it’s pathetic and smacks of massive insecurity. If my partner called me second because they felt that they needed to speak to someone else first, fine. Maybe he feels like he doesn’t want to upset you and can get the worst of it out of the way first before calming down and speaking to you?

notoldjustpastyoung · 04/11/2021 18:00

It is obvious he had a great relationship with his mother when young, able to talk to her about anything that was stressing him as a child. He is very lucky to have this closeness and understanding. She can obviously calm him down without being involved. So I don't think you should worry about thisas long as he tells you too and it isn't a secret. There is nothing wrong with trusting you mum.

Smashingspinster · 04/11/2021 18:45

Jesus, is he 10? Who the heck runs to mummy all the time as an adult? I would be pissed off too.

Bleachmycloths · 04/11/2021 18:53

He needs to grow a pair and cut the apron strings. He’s being a mard arse. I was always the first port of call for my son. Since he met his partner and has had 2 children, his partner comes first. Thank God. So unhealthy to run to your mum when you’re a grown man with a partner.

RRK593 · 04/11/2021 18:55

@JSmithy438

I know I probably need to get a grip but it is really p me off when ever something bad happens to DH or there is a crisis for him he calls his mum first to tell her and me second. If it is something that involves me or the kids then he will call me first and his mum second but still I'd like to think he would call me first all the time.

Yesterday he had a REALLY bad day at work and was super upset, he called his mum first then me second.

I could have written this word for word and it reaaaaaallllyyy irritates me. So I completely understand!

My partner is always my first port of call and not my parents as I value his opinion the highest over everyone so like you I don't understand why it's not reciprocated!

Maybe it's just my way of thinking as lots of comments have said it's ok!

Harmonypuss · 04/11/2021 18:58

My son always runs problems by me before his partner, mainly because I have more helpful, practical advice but because it's usually the partner that's the cause of the issue!

toomuchlaundry · 04/11/2021 19:10

@Harmonypuss that is a very bad dynamic

Sarbears28 · 04/11/2021 19:31

I always call my mam first then dh. My dh and children are also my absolute world and would honestly choose them over my anybody. I call my mam to get the emotion out first and ring dh when I want to actually talk though it.

Owl55 · 04/11/2021 20:32

Maybe she gives him sympathy but you give him balance and realistic support .

Charlene1971 · 04/11/2021 20:36

Sometimes I ring my foster mum before I ring my partner when I'm upset/need to rant.

Why can't your partner ring his mum before he rings you? Because she's another female in his life? I think this is more about your insecurities than anything else, and I don't mean that in a nasty way. Just trying to be helpful ❤

Rizzoli123 · 04/11/2021 21:40

My husband frequently does this and I hate it. I don't understand it

CrankyFrankie · 04/11/2021 21:41

YANBU but our mums are hardwired to make us feel better / we are hardwired to want our mums to fix it, etc. I’ve made a conscious effort to cut the apron strings in this regard because I know my husband would find it insulting. So I suppose it’s a respect thing but he does sometimes make me feel worse! My mum empathises in a totally different way. She’s never the first one I’ll call, but sometimes, she’s the only one who’ll do 💜

Tillysfad · 04/11/2021 21:41

call my mam to get the emotion out first and ring dh when I want to actually talk though it

It seems sad to me that so many adults need comfort first in such a childlike way. It seems like a very vulnerable way to live.

Middleagedspreadisreal · 04/11/2021 22:02

Lucky Mum

BiLuminous · 04/11/2021 23:06

@Tillysfad

call my mam to get the emotion out first and ring dh when I want to actually talk though it

It seems sad to me that so many adults need comfort first in such a childlike way. It seems like a very vulnerable way to live.

It seems fairly normal to want to discuss upset with someone who theyve known their entire lives. Your comment suggests more about you than the poster. Fwiw im estranged from my family so I dont have anyone to go to for comfort and sometimes it fucking sucks.

Tillysfad · 04/11/2021 23:27

No, it's not that I have a problem with seeking comfort. But having to go to your make it all better person who is not actually the closest person to you because you can't/won't function any other way... This is not a sign of intimacy with a parent. It's dependency and I find it sad. While it may be nice for a parent who hasn't let go, they will outlive that adult.

Imy06 · 05/11/2021 00:58

I think that's great he can call his mum, I would hope my boy can do the same when he's older and I'd be really miffed if his partner had a problem with it and tried to change that part of our relationship.
You said if it involves you directly he will call you first so there's something. He still always tells you about it too.
It sounds like you are both very important to him and I think it's a positive thing he has more than one person to turn to. I often would want to speak to my Mum as well, she's known me forever and it's a strong part of our relationship. If my partner got jealous of it and made me feel bad for it I would feel very upset.
And I'm sad that people would think a man turning to his mum is unattractive or anything else negative. What a shame people would see a negative about a strong family bond, and a man feeling secure in himself being able to go to his Mum for advice. No wonder so many men feel they need to 'suck it up' and pay the price with their mental health

IWishToAnswerInTheAffirmative · 05/11/2021 01:10

God my mum and sisters know almost everything that goes on in my life before my husband does

waternfire · 05/11/2021 09:40

You need a grip op, it's natural to feel slightly jealous, but remember he's not gotten married in order to replace his mother, his mum is his mum and your are his wife, he has every right to call his mum first if that's what he wants, this is the woman that raised him, comforted him, there's words of wisdom only a mother can give and doesn't match that of a spouse. It's important to know your place, if this was a woman running to her mum first, no one bats an eyelid, but a man needs to grow up and stop being a 'mummy's boys' for speaking to his mum first, those posters that believ that need to grow up! You don't just drop your parents when you have a partner.
I've seen how my mil comforts my dh/bils when they have had some sort of crisis, it's in such a way that only a mother can do that, a spouse comfort will be different.
Let them enjoy their parents whilst they are still here, they don't live forever.

Sandinmyknickers · 05/11/2021 10:54

@JSmithy438

He has some MH issues and so I assume it is the emotional support his mum proves him.

If he was calling for tips on football obviously I wouldnt expect him to call me but this is different.

I've mentioned it before ages ago but I don't want him to call first because he feels he has to but because he wants to.

Scarydinosaurs I would never dictate and I wouldnt say I'm immature either.

Imsorry but your response is immature

It's fine to feel initially a pang of hurt. But a mature person acknowledges it, reminds themselves that it's not about them and not a personal slight on them or their relationship, but that heir partner is different to them. Then would then also probably feel glad that their partner has coping mechanisms that work for them and is doing the thing that works best for them, talking to his mum in this scenario, rather than letting their MH deteriorate by bottling it up

Your initial feeling is understandable, the way you are processing it is immature

Bleachmycloths · 05/11/2021 11:17

@notoldjustpastyoung

It is obvious he had a great relationship with his mother when young, able to talk to her about anything that was stressing him as a child. He is very lucky to have this closeness and understanding. She can obviously calm him down without being involved. So I don't think you should worry about thisas long as he tells you too and it isn't a secret. There is nothing wrong with trusting you mum.

No way. A married/ partnered man who calls his mother first is a wuss. Doesn’t deserve for his relationship to survive.

ArchibaldsDaddy · 05/11/2021 12:45

You are not being unreasonable!

Unless he’s still breastfeeding from her…

Sound like he’s not really grown up!

larkle · 05/11/2021 13:01

Double standards. I don't know many women on here who don't use their mothers as sounding boards for most issues. How many of them get asked if they are still breast feeding from their mums?
Having more than one person to go to for emotional support is important. It shows how narrow minded and blinkered some female posters are on MN. I saw one poster on another thread had already referred to this thread as an example of the old fashioned attitudes to men still held by some posters on here. Presumably, they don't care about the high suicide rates amongst men

Harmonypuss · 05/11/2021 15:50

@toomuchlaundry

From the outside it looks like a bad dynamic but there's history that predates their relationship that I won't go into here.
The partner is a fair bit older (but not necessarily more grown up) and my son gets frustrated.
He talks to me looking for validation and/or the voice of reason. The partner knows he talks to me and actually sometimes talks to me too.
There are times when I tell them both to grow up and sort things out for themselves but my (requested/invited) input has been valued by them both at times.