DH calls his mum first

[JSmithy438]

I know I probably need to get a grip but it is really p me off when ever something bad happens to DH or there is a crisis for him he calls his mum first to tell her and me second. If it is something that involves me or the kids then he will call me first and his mum second but still I'd like to think he would call me first all the time.

Yesterday he had a REALLY bad day at work and was super upset, he called his mum first then me second.

Yeah I’d find that weird and I’d be offended!

Seems perfectly normal to me.
When my mum was alive I would always call her for emotional or practical support. Failing that a close friend. DH has just never been any good at it.
My DC call me about work, health or admin things eg issues with house purchase. They call their dad about financial matters and tech, even though he is 73 and they are 20 something.

I think it's a bit childish to resent your DPs relationship with his parent.

@withpeaceandlove

I call my mum first and I'm not a 'mummy's girlI'. She just gives god advice and is better at calming me down. It's not immature to have a good relationship with your mother

I love this typo. I like to think I also give god standard advice!

There are some thought provoking replies thank you.

Maybe there is no right or wrong way but it's not right for me, I want to be the go to person.

I always call my mum first, or dad depending on the situation. Can you look on it as a positive that he's so close to his mum?

YABU. His mum is still his mum even as an adult, many people find comfort and support in their parents and it's not like he sidelining you.His mum is not your competition!!!

@JSmithy438

There are some thought provoking replies thank you.

Maybe there is no right or wrong way but it's not right for me, I want to be the go to person.

If that's the case you need to understand why he goes to her, and be able to offer that.

I think you're stepping into dangerous territory if you start doing the pick me dance when this only arises when he's having a crisis though.

@TheHoneyFactory

Sounds like he uses talking to his mum as a way of processing something that is confronting/bothering/challenging him. If she responds predictably the same way each time by jumping to his defence, he's got a bit of time to process the situation before moving to analysis/problem-solving. I do this often because i don't share commitments/finances/responsibilities with my parent, they are a trusted person but are removed in a way now im an adult. so its easier to talk to my spouse second when im ready to solve the issue/ ready to take on opinions (esp if its a situation that affects our life, family, finances).

I think that's fair, too -- sometimes I want to talk FIRST to someone who will predictably howl 'THE ROTTEN BASTARDS! YOU DESERVED THAT PROMOTION/PRIZE/LUCKY BREAK/JOB! I'M GOING TO STICK PINS IN A WAX DOLLY WITH X'S NAME ON IT!' Then, after that, I can actually talk to someone more balanced who can suggest solutions or next steps.

@JSmithy438

Is his mum supportive I would say no as she just gets very angry at whoever has upset her son rather than actually try to help.

It doesn't happen that often well maybe once every couple of months.

I don't think it's about helping tbh.

This may be the reason why then. Maybe he doesn't want anyone to 'help' or sort it out. Maybe he just wants someone to rant at who will and not offer solutions which can come across as indirect criticism?

@JSmithy438

There are some thought provoking replies thank you.

Maybe there is no right or wrong way but it's not right for me, I want to be the go to person.

This might be why you're not.

When you're having a bit of a crisis and need support, the last thing you want to do is go to someone who thinks it's all about them.

I always call my mum first because she knows exactly what to say. She doesn't always help as much as DH, and I'm really not a "mummy's girl" - but my mum KNOWS the innate child-like me that comes out when I'm angry, hurt or upset and can chat to me for 5 minutes and make me feel positive or heard about the situation. DH will fire straight into practical advice, which is great and he does also listen, but if I go directly to him without either giving myself time to process or calling my mum, I find it a bit overwhelming.

@JSmithy438

There are some thought provoking replies thank you.

Maybe there is no right or wrong way but it's not right for me, I want to be the go to person.

But can't you see it as a good thing that he isn't entirely emotionally-dependent on you?

I wouldn't start doing the 'pick me' dance with your MIL for a start, you can't offer the same thing she does. You are married to this man, you live and have children together, you have intertwined finances etc you have a vested interest in him continuing to have a job and to manage his MH while in that job that your MIL hasn't.

maybe you are right but it still makes me feel 2nd best.

we cant be everything to our partners, life isn't like that.

Children need friends, husbands and wife need friends and confidants, for your husband its his mum. For many men its a mate down the pub or at fishing, football or a best mate. For many woman its their mum, sister, best friend

If you make your family your world and don't have others in that inner circle - it can become suffocating.

I call my mum first when I'm having a bad day. She is much better at supporting me when I'm having a tough time and coming up with solutions. DH is always in the 'think positive, you'll be fine' camp, which just isn't helpful.

It does sound as if she offers different support.

Maybe initially he does just want to vent & have sympathy given.

I find it odd, but hearing his Mum being angry at who upset him obviously seems to work for him.

Maybe there is no right or wrong way but it's not right for me, I want to be the go to person.

With kindness OP, this is entirely your issue, not your DH's.

I might be a bit upset/taken aback if he told me one week later or even longer. But if he tells you the same day, I don’t think it’s a big deal.

I would find this pretty unattractive. A grown adult running back to their mum instead of discussing primarily with their partner, seems as though they are a bit dependent on their mum's views and support.

@LabiaMinoraPissusFlapus

I would find this pretty unattractive. A grown adult running back to their mum instead of discussing primarily with their partner, seems as though they are a bit dependent on their mum's views and support.

What about if he went to a friend rather than his mother? Or a sibling?

@LabiaMinoraPissusFlapus

I would find this pretty unattractive. A grown adult running back to their mum instead of discussing primarily with their partner, seems as though they are a bit dependent on their mum's views and support.

Seems as though grown adults might maintain a close relationship with the person who gave birth to them and brought them up. Weird, huh?

Maybe it's a shame thing. He knows he turns a bit childish for half an hour when things don't go his way, so he turns to Mum. When he's morphed back into an adult, you're good to go.

She still sees him as that cute little boy she tucked into bed. You see him as that big hunk of male gorgeousness who makes you breathe a bit faster. He wants to keep it that way!

@Tillysfad

I suppose it depends on the kind of relationship you want. I would personally want to be intimate with someone who didn't always call someone else first. Others might not care.

I think it highly likely that, if he has to have crises and be making these SOS calls like this, and always to one person, he's dependent and they're enmeshed. I would wonder what happens if there's an marital argument. Does he call her then too. Does she encourage him to stand on his own feet or encourage him to see the world as victimising him. What happens when a decision needs to be made that will affect the op and is already been discussed with mum so if op has a different view he's 'caught in the middle'. What happens when a boundary is needed as they always, always are. Does he know how to assert himself. What happens when mum and Gran have different views on raising children. What happens if op tries to observe that he seems to make a lot of sos phone calls. Does he observe that and take an opportunity for personal growth? I doubt it because he's got a person to call already.

I feel this way too.

I'm pretty resourceful and self-reliant, I never (in the past, my parents are both dead, I have no siblings) called either parent about anything, certainly not a 'crisis'.

I think YABU. I will go to my mother first in many instances - probably from my DH’s perspective more than I go to him first. But it isn’t about him. I love my DH entirely but he can’t and shouldn’t be my entire world and my sole support network.

@JSmithy438

There are some thought provoking replies thank you.

Maybe there is no right or wrong way but it's not right for me, I want to be the go to person.

That's a very strong statement. If this is the hill you want your relationship to die on then so be it, but you are being unreasonable. Are you so fixed on your wants that there's no room for anyone else's needs in other aspects of life too? Maybe if you had an independent person to talk with it might help?

If he gets more comfort from ringing his mum, why shouldn't he, age is material, she will always be his mother. You're just being jealous !