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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH calls his mum first

234 replies

JSmithy438 · 03/11/2021 11:00

I know I probably need to get a grip but it is really p me off when ever something bad happens to DH or there is a crisis for him he calls his mum first to tell her and me second. If it is something that involves me or the kids then he will call me first and his mum second but still I'd like to think he would call me first all the time.

Yesterday he had a REALLY bad day at work and was super upset, he called his mum first then me second.

OP posts:
merrygoround51 · 03/11/2021 12:05

I would welcome this. Your DH clearly needs a lot of emotional support, and if you make the primary giver of that you, then that can be quite a drain. Leave him relying on his mother and share the burden

larkle · 03/11/2021 12:07

MN needs to ban the term 'Mummy's Boy', along with other sexist twaddle

CokeZeroAddiction · 03/11/2021 12:09

I used to call my mum first. It’s only 15 years down the line I go to DH.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 03/11/2021 12:10

sounds like he needs to vent first.
a lot of people do that in private, away from their spouses - the fact that his mum is involved shouldn't matter if she is just there to listen.

Also what is she supposed to say? don't call me?

If you feel threatened by this habit that's something you have to discuss with him.

Coyoacan · 03/11/2021 12:11

Back in the day when I still had a mum, if I had a problem with someone I would phone her if I wanted someone to totally take my side or I would phone my brother if I wanted someone to talk some sense into me.

EmeraldShamrock · 03/11/2021 12:11

I wouldn't make this a battlefield it is nice he has a lovely supportive mum, why would you create a competition of it.

Verfremdungseffekt · 03/11/2021 12:13

@PlanDeRaccordement

YABU It’s not a contest between you and his mum.
This. Honestly, it bemuses me when I see treated as an unquestioned rule on here (never in my real life) that a man only has room for One Woman in his life, therefore all close female friends, mother etc should either be dumped completely as soon as he acquires a girlfriend or wife.

OP, nobody fulfills absolutely all another person's emotional needs, and that's a good thing - to think otherwise is to put a marriage/friendship under far too much strain. That's why we have different relationships that cater to different needs of ours.

It's a good thing that your DH has a good enough relationship with one (if not both) of his parents -- I am very fond of mine, but they are terribly anxious, easily-frightened people, so from a very early age, I learned never to confide in them about anything difficult, because it didn't help me, and just showed me that an adult was frightened by whatever was going on. You and your MIL are clearly offering different types of response.

The only thing that concerns me about your post is why he seems to have so many crises at work...? Unless he's a surgeon losing patients on the table or something.

ShinyHappyPoster · 03/11/2021 12:14

I think it's healthy that he has different people to offload on. It sounds as though ultimately you're a fixer whilst his mum slips into protecting her cub. Sometimes we just need someone to want to think we're right regardless of the facts to the contrary. Once we've had that support and reassurance, it's easier to step back and talk to someone who may be more balanced. You need to stop seeing it as a competition. You and his mum are his two-stage support system but he needs both stages. You're not competing. You're balancing.

merrygoround51 · 03/11/2021 12:14

@Verfremdungseffekt My DH is like this. Lots of crisis and an endless need to talk about them, it’s a personality type and quite draining

Onatree · 03/11/2021 12:16

If this was a woman and she said her mum was her best friend and a real rock of support and someone she always goes to straightaway if there was a problem - would people object/say it's weird?

Verfremdungseffekt · 03/11/2021 12:16

[quote merrygoround51]@Verfremdungseffekt My DH is like this. Lots of crisis and an endless need to talk about them, it’s a personality type and quite draining[/quote]
That does sound exhausting! Would you like it if he used his mother as a sounding board instead of/as well as you?

(I have a friend like this, but I got tired of sympathising about crises which were mostly of his own making he's spectacularly disorganised at work, but gets wobbly when the professional consequences of this come home to roost) and recommended him a therapist.

mam0918 · 03/11/2021 12:17

My husband does this, it drives me mad.

He thought he was having a heart attack last year and phoned him mam and dad not me but he says he can't see why it bothers me.

He's my next of kin and has all medical decisions over me and is the first and usually only person I tell my medical problems to but he completely cuts me out of his medical life in favor of his mam.

Any time the kids have a mild medical problem he rushes to his mam too but I'm a qualified medical professional and his mam is a 60s hippy that believes in chakra alignments and herbs. Cue my kids coming home with onions tied to them and weird-smelling herb soaked plasters etc...

His argument is 'he doesn't want to bother me with it' but the reality is he's just a complete 'mummys boy' despite being a middle aged man.

Lorw · 03/11/2021 12:17

I call my mum first in a crisis before my DH (though it would depend) simply cause she’s better at talking sense and has more empathy 😂

nokidshere · 03/11/2021 12:18

I don't see anything wrong with anyone, male or female, ringing their parents for support/comfort. My mum isn't in my life but I frequently used to talk things over with my MIL before DH because she was a much calmer person and let me vent.

You don't stop being a parent because your child is an adult. The term "mummy's boy" is offensive and sexist.

overway · 03/11/2021 12:19

Many years ago, when I was married, I experienced a similar situation with my husband. His Mum was his go to first person for support.
At first I didn't mind too much, as I reasoned his Mum was his soft place to fall person, and likewise I would rely on my own mother for help and support in other areas.
However, where it crossed a line for me, was when it became clear they were formulating solutions and plans in things which affected me. I was supposed to accept whatever it was they had decided together without question.
I began to feel that I was being treated like a childminder with a few extra privileges while the two grown ups made other plans . It played a big part in ending my marriage.

Cocomarine · 03/11/2021 12:19

I often go to my 2 closest friends to vent before I’d go to my husband. He’s sympathetic and a good listener. But, he doesn’t swear and he doesn’t get animated. If I want calm, he’s great. If I want someone to reply, “fucking hell they’re all a bunch of cunts I’d kill them!” then I need my friends. 9/10, that’s all I really want, someone to join in with my expletives.

Doesn’t mean I love my husband any less.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/11/2021 12:20

My guess is that he doesn't want your suggestions on how to "fix" things. He just wants a safe sounding board to vent his frustrations to, and that happens to be his mum.

mam0918 · 03/11/2021 12:21

@Onatree

If this was a woman and she said her mum was her best friend and a real rock of support and someone she always goes to straightaway if there was a problem - would people object/say it's weird?
over her husband... yes, I would still find it inappropriate and weird.

It's like women who tell their best friend/mother/sister they are pregnant before their bloody husband/boyfriend... its not their mother or friends child, just so disrespectful and weird to the father of their child.

EllaDuggee · 03/11/2021 12:21

This would bother me as well.

Crumblinginside · 03/11/2021 12:24

Dh is very very close to his mum. I am happy in a way as he is loyal and so he is to me too.

Try and not let it annoy you though I totally get it is annoying!! You feel like you are less important.

I remember being in early labour and dh went to visit his mum for the day as he did every Saturday. These types of men will always put mother first as she's totally on their side won't have time bad word said about them and they get praise !!!

Scarydinosaurs · 03/11/2021 12:26

I’d say it is an immaturity in your view of relationships to think of this as who is ‘best’ and who is ‘second best’.

Love isn’t like that. Especially if he has MH issues just let him keep talking. If he tells you that it is a problem and he’s calling her out of a desire to please her rather than himself - that is a problem. If calling her makes him feel better, then he can crack on.

Really, what difference does it make to you if you hear the problem first or second?

AryaStarkWolf · 03/11/2021 12:27

I call my mom first sometimes too, her and my DH are the most important adults in my life. Just because he's a man doesn't mean he can't call his mom and be close to her like women are allowed to do

merrygoround51 · 03/11/2021 12:28

@Verfremdungseffekt He does and I actively encourage it.

Hogwarts21 · 03/11/2021 12:30

Thank the Lord he gets on with his Mum!!

I nearly always call my Mum first as DH is like a wooden block. A very nice wooden block but a wooden block nonetheless.

Allow him his moment of being mothered.

It's a different relationship. It's not that he values you less. He just likes sometimes to offload to someone in a different way.

Be grateful he's got a good relationship with his Mum. It probably has enabled him to have the good one he has with you, more than likely.

None of us are perfect. May you are projecting a sense of lack of esteem in yourself in your husband's behaviour. If it's once every couple of months it's fine. If it was every day that would be different.

NellieBertram · 03/11/2021 12:31

So is it just personal issues he calls his mum about? Problems/decisions are your relationship and children he goes to you?

I don't see that as a problem really. Lots of adults have close relationships with their family and turn to them for support.

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