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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bridesmaid... but no duties?

241 replies

pcofmushu · 02/11/2021 20:06

I am bridesmaid at my sister's wedding next week. The group of bridesmaids consists of myself and 3 of my sister's friends.
The friends (BMs) have controlled everything, from details of the hen party to finer details on the day. I have not been consulted on any of the plans for the wedding. Not one! I feel as if the 3 friends have planned all of this together and have totally excluded me as the BM (and sister of the bride). To rub salt in the wounds, the seating plan was released today (seating plan made by the 3 BMs) and I am the only BM not on Top Table. I am sat on a random table with friends of friends of the Groom!!! I know there is no right or wrong, and my sister is obviously happy for the planning of the wedding to go this way. But I can't help but feel put out by this entire thing. I feel like I was given the role of BM because I am the sibling and its kind of what "should" happen. I haven't had any BM duties at all, it is merely a title! People will be coming to me on the day asking for help etc RE where to go/what to do, and quite honestly I have just as much an idea as they do.
AIBU to feel miffed by this?
(Sorry if this is a ramble, I hope it makes sense) tia x

OP posts:
PaintedDaisy · 02/11/2021 20:08

Are you single? Is she trying to set you up with one of the friends?

Pedalpushers · 02/11/2021 20:10

Re. The tables, do the other bridesmaids have plus ones? I'd usually take it as a sign that your sister trusts you if you can be seated to mingle with guests, maybe the others don't mix well (doesn't sound like it!)

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 02/11/2021 20:11

Id be annoyed by this OP

Queenoftheashes · 02/11/2021 20:13

You’ll be walking down the aisle won’t you?

LawnFever · 02/11/2021 20:13

Surely they haven’t planned the entire seating plan? Where’s your sister in this planning and her fiancé?

Original poster
pcofmushu · 02/11/2021 20:14

I should add that me and my BF have been together for 2 years, and I was pretty close to my sister growing up - we did a lot together, which adds insult to injury

OP posts:
TotallySuper · 02/11/2021 20:14

You need to speak to your sister. No way would she want you on on random table and the other 3 on top table.

Spoonio · 02/11/2021 20:15

Are you very close to your sister?

Or are her friends closer?

Yes, it sounds like you've been asked because she felt she had to. She will have definitely signed off the seating plan.

Original poster
pcofmushu · 02/11/2021 20:15

@LawnFever

Surely they haven’t planned the entire seating plan? Where’s your sister in this planning and her fiancé?
I thought not too but my sister says she has put the SP in the hands of the other 3 BMs and they've plonked themselves on TT and me in the back corner ...!
OP posts:
Original poster
pcofmushu · 02/11/2021 20:16

@Spoonio

Are you very close to your sister?

Or are her friends closer?

Yes, it sounds like you've been asked because she felt she had to. She will have definitely signed off the seating plan.

This is exactly how I feel. I would rather have not been asked to be BM at all, than asked because she felt like she had to but not actually take on any responsibility with it. I would have quite liked to help her plan her big day :(
OP posts:
DroopyClematis · 02/11/2021 20:16

I'd be telling my sister about how you feel then I'd resign from the position, as it were.
It would be embarrassing for you on the day , to be seated away from your sister whilst these 'friends' were at the top table.

PaintedDaisy · 02/11/2021 20:16

Why are they getting so involved in the planning?! It's her wedding not theirs!

Twickerhun · 02/11/2021 20:17

Sounds like the other bridesmaids are controlling quite a bit. What’s your sister and her husband to be’s role in all this? You need to chat to them.

Ohpulltheotherone · 02/11/2021 20:17

Why not just ask the bms why you’re on a random table?

Literally go into your group chat (if you have one) or compose a group text to them

“Hi, saw the seating plan - why am I not on the top table with my family?”

You could check with your sister first - very unusual that they would be organising the seating arrangements.

Honestly just stand up for yourself and call them out!

Original poster
pcofmushu · 02/11/2021 20:19

@PaintedDaisy

Why are they getting so involved in the planning?! It's her wedding not theirs!
Indeed! She is obviously happy for them to be getting so involved. I had no say in the hen do, yet I had other guests asking me where they needed to be/what we were doing for the hen weekend. It was quite embarrassing for me to say "I know I'm a BM, but I have no clue!"
OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 02/11/2021 20:19

I think I'd be telling your sister to sort the seating plan at the very least. I'm sure there is family you can sit with - if you bf no invited? It would appear your sister is hiding from you tbh.

Original poster
pcofmushu · 02/11/2021 20:19

@DroopyClematis

I'd be telling my sister about how you feel then I'd resign from the position, as it were. It would be embarrassing for you on the day , to be seated away from your sister whilst these 'friends' were at the top table.
I am seriously debating this
OP posts:
Amberflames · 02/11/2021 20:20

This is all a bit odd.

But, you’ve lucked out here! Wedding duties are crap, you get to actually relax and have fun!

Original poster
pcofmushu · 02/11/2021 20:20

@LittleOwl153

I think I'd be telling your sister to sort the seating plan at the very least. I'm sure there is family you can sit with - if you bf no invited? It would appear your sister is hiding from you tbh.
BF is on a table with my brothers - he isn't even sat with me??? It is so weird.
OP posts:
Original poster
pcofmushu · 02/11/2021 20:20

@Amberflames

This is all a bit odd.

But, you’ve lucked out here! Wedding duties are crap, you get to actually relax and have fun!

😄😅
OP posts:
EinsteinaGogo · 02/11/2021 20:21

Why has your sister given the seating plan over to other people?

Are we you sure you've got that right?

How on Earth would they know the family dynamics etc? Surely not.

Original poster
pcofmushu · 02/11/2021 20:22

@Ohpulltheotherone

Why not just ask the bms why you’re on a random table?

Literally go into your group chat (if you have one) or compose a group text to them

“Hi, saw the seating plan - why am I not on the top table with my family?”

You could check with your sister first - very unusual that they would be organising the seating arrangements.

Honestly just stand up for yourself and call them out!

I think I'm definitely going to say something. I wouldn't like to make my sister's big day difficult, but I will be making it clear that I've had no say in the planning, don't come to me asking about "XXXXXX"
OP posts:
unfortunateevents · 02/11/2021 20:22

How on earth are the BMs doing the seating plan? Surely they don't even know all the guests or who should be sitting together? What has your sister said when you told her that you are the only BM not on the top table?

mrsevangelina · 02/11/2021 20:23

I don't think bridesmaids are usually so instrumental in the planning, I think this is really strange. I wouldn't dream of passing the seating plan to anyone else, how do they know who likes/dislikes each other and who would get on well!

It's not right that you're not on the top table when the other BMs will be sitting with your parents presumably!

Original poster
pcofmushu · 02/11/2021 20:23

@EinsteinaGogo

Why has your sister given the seating plan over to other people?

Are we you sure you've got that right?

How on Earth would they know the family dynamics etc? Surely not.

Genuinely. A lot of family members have been upset by this. It is all very odd.
OP posts: