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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bridesmaid... but no duties?

241 replies

pcofmushu · 02/11/2021 20:06

I am bridesmaid at my sister's wedding next week. The group of bridesmaids consists of myself and 3 of my sister's friends.
The friends (BMs) have controlled everything, from details of the hen party to finer details on the day. I have not been consulted on any of the plans for the wedding. Not one! I feel as if the 3 friends have planned all of this together and have totally excluded me as the BM (and sister of the bride). To rub salt in the wounds, the seating plan was released today (seating plan made by the 3 BMs) and I am the only BM not on Top Table. I am sat on a random table with friends of friends of the Groom!!! I know there is no right or wrong, and my sister is obviously happy for the planning of the wedding to go this way. But I can't help but feel put out by this entire thing. I feel like I was given the role of BM because I am the sibling and its kind of what "should" happen. I haven't had any BM duties at all, it is merely a title! People will be coming to me on the day asking for help etc RE where to go/what to do, and quite honestly I have just as much an idea as they do.
AIBU to feel miffed by this?
(Sorry if this is a ramble, I hope it makes sense) tia x

OP posts:
Ellmau · 02/11/2021 22:59
  1. Talk to your sister.
  1. Get your parents to talk to your sister.
  1. Get to the top table first and sit down.
BoredZelda · 02/11/2021 23:04

My sister did way more planning than my other bridesmaids, mainly because my wedding planner ghosted me and my sister stepped in. But the other bridesmaids were at the top table. I wouldn’t be happy to be the only one left out.

Talk to your sister. She may not have signed off. I know I left my sister to make a heap of decisions on my behalf and she didn’t check with me because I trusted her to do the right thing.

amusedbush · 02/11/2021 23:06

Definitely talk to her. My brother is getting married in a few days and I've spent weeks having panic attacks and feeling like I might not be able to go due to my anxiety. I really didn't want to bother him but I finally bit the bullet and he has been great, really understanding. He should be the one stressed out but instead he has talked me down twice this week Blush

Obviously this is a different situation where you are definitely being mistreated but what I'm trying to say is, don't worry about adding stress to her plans and just broach the subject now. If she fobs you off then resign.

Lightswitch123 · 02/11/2021 23:06

@EinsteinaGogo

Why has your sister given the seating plan over to other people?

Are we you sure you've got that right?

How on Earth would they know the family dynamics etc? Surely not.

This!!

Bizarre . Is your sister not that bothered about getting married???

CrazyTimesAreOccurring · 02/11/2021 23:08

@Watchingyou2sleezes

Pipe up, change the seating plan or, be a wet wipe and moan about it on the internet to strangers. FFS grow some guts
This.

Some guts and a backbone would be in order

suzy2b · 02/11/2021 23:17

Why are your brothers on the top table ?

HadEnoughOfBears · 02/11/2021 23:49

@suzy2b

Why are your brothers on the top table ?
Brothers aren't on the top table, OP said her boyfriend is at the same table as her brothers. And she's at a different one.
GatoradeMeBitch · 02/11/2021 23:50

It does sound weird. Either your sister does not feel you are close anymore and this is a passive-aggressive move that is coming indirectly from her, or she's allowing her friends to fuck with her sister - for who knows what reason - on her wedding meal seating plan.

I would tell her - your sister, it is her wedding after all - that you are not happy to be seated apart from your BF and with some people you don't know. You might also want to ask if she has a problem with you and wants you to step down as a bridesmaid, considering she doesn't want you on the top table. (And "it's not my decision" is a bullshit excuse. It's her wedding!)

Beachbreak2411 · 02/11/2021 23:51

My brother and his wife didn’t invite me
to their wedding. My daughter was flower girl, my mum made their cake and my parents paid for most of the wedding. I will never, ever forgive them.. and most of their guests spent the day speculating why I wasn’t there (as they know how close I was to my brother) and how awful his wife is for stopping me being there. I did have a breakdown a few years previously
But had been through a lot to sort myself out. Weddings are shit

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/11/2021 00:12

You need to speak to your sister about this. ASAP.

Selttan · 03/11/2021 00:12

If you and your sister are as close as you say just speak to her.

There's not point sitting here seething when you have no idea whether she's actually agreed to it or not.

I've only been a bridesmaid once and I was pretty much the token family member - I was quite happy not to be involved in the nitty gritty and just went with the flow. Made the experience a lot more enjoyable.

ittakes2 · 03/11/2021 00:16

There is a chance your sister thinks you signed off on the seating and you are happy or chose to be where you are. Tell her you are not! Stop holding it in!

aloris · 03/11/2021 00:53

It's the bride's day but that doesn't give her carte blanche to insult members of her family for no reason. You could try to find out if there's some reason that justifies your being seated in such an odd place, but I think it would be ok in this situation to say, I don't appreciate being publicly insulted this way and you need to put me in a better seating position that is more appropriate for a sibling.

I'm embarrassed on her behalf. She's either spinelessly allowing her other bridesmaids to walk roughshod over her, or she has some grudge against you that makes her want you to be miserable at her wedding.

LovePoppy · 03/11/2021 01:18

Is it normal for bridesmaids to do the seating plan?!

I guarded mine like a dragon. It took forever to make it work. If I’d handed it off it’d have been a mess

Talk to your sister

LovePoppy · 03/11/2021 01:19

@Beachbreak2411

My brother and his wife didn’t invite me to their wedding. My daughter was flower girl, my mum made their cake and my parents paid for most of the wedding. I will never, ever forgive them.. and most of their guests spent the day speculating why I wasn’t there (as they know how close I was to my brother) and how awful his wife is for stopping me being there. I did have a breakdown a few years previously But had been through a lot to sort myself out. Weddings are shit
….you let your daughter attend without you?
Rainbowqueeen · 03/11/2021 02:14

I’d talk to your sister. I’d say something like “I’ve seen the seating plan and I’m confused about why I am sitting where I am. Can you explain that to me”. Then see what she says.

Is she usually someone who doesn’t care about others feelings? Also appearances. Surely she must know that everyone will refer to her wedding as the wedding where the BM who was sister of the bride wasn’t at the top table for evermore.

olympicsrock · 03/11/2021 06:40

To be honest on most top tables there is not room for 4 bridesmaids. Two of mine sat at the top table ( friends) my sister sat with her husband and my SIL with her children but both were next to top table. Partners of bridesmaids on top table were also on nearest table to them, on the top side of that table.

It doesn’t sound like BMs have put any thought or kindness into this seating plan. Bride needs to redo it and say. We had some people unable to come so have made changes. No biggie .

Member984815 · 03/11/2021 06:47

I think perhaps your sister doesn't feel as close to you as you do to her , there is no way the bridesmaids are making all the plans ,it's just a convieniant excuse to be shitty to you . I'd bow out now of bridesmaid duty and get yourself seated at the table your bf is at . It's her wedding so if she really wanted you as bridesmaid she would have you on the top table

TidyDancer · 03/11/2021 07:01

This is weird. Unless there's some bizarre family dynamic (which sounds like there isn't) then this arrangement (and handing over all control) is bizarre.

I was once (as a guest) sat at the main table aside from the top once and ended up with the maid of honour (sister to the bride) and the stepmother too. Other bridesmaids were at the top table. It might've looked weird to some but the sister had the propensity to create trouble and the SM was a bit of a drama queen and the bride knew it was less likely to be done in front of me because I knew the family and I could handle any tantrums because I could be a bit gobby when needed! Like I say, it might've looked a bit weird to outsiders but it was very specifically controlled.

Brefugee · 03/11/2021 08:24

I don't get all this BM Duties thing. It sounds shit.
Tbh I think 3 bridesmaids at TT is too many. One is enough and should be you.
Tell your sister you resign, seat yourself with your brothers and have raucous fun

unknownstory · 03/11/2021 09:18

I'd be refusing to be a BM if she's going to treat you so badly.

Snog · 03/11/2021 09:25

Decide where you would like to sit and who with and ask your sister to make the change. It's best to be direct in asking for what you want in this situation I think.

Ginger1982 · 03/11/2021 09:32

Did you speak to your sister? This is madness! With that many bridesmaids you can't have them all at the top table. It should be family!

WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 03/11/2021 09:59

I don't like conflict but I'd have to say something. I could understand the seating plan if you were sat with family and your dp, but to be sat on the 'I don't know what to do with these people's' table without your dp is really taking the piss.

I think I'd resign as BM if it isn't sorted and not bother going if she's going to put so little consideration into how her guests are feeling

Sounds like the BM are using it as an excuse to have a party for themselves

ErickBroch · 03/11/2021 10:08

The weirdest thing about this is that you just haven't said anything the entire time. Bizarre.