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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bridesmaid... but no duties?

241 replies

pcofmushu · 02/11/2021 20:06

I am bridesmaid at my sister's wedding next week. The group of bridesmaids consists of myself and 3 of my sister's friends.
The friends (BMs) have controlled everything, from details of the hen party to finer details on the day. I have not been consulted on any of the plans for the wedding. Not one! I feel as if the 3 friends have planned all of this together and have totally excluded me as the BM (and sister of the bride). To rub salt in the wounds, the seating plan was released today (seating plan made by the 3 BMs) and I am the only BM not on Top Table. I am sat on a random table with friends of friends of the Groom!!! I know there is no right or wrong, and my sister is obviously happy for the planning of the wedding to go this way. But I can't help but feel put out by this entire thing. I feel like I was given the role of BM because I am the sibling and its kind of what "should" happen. I haven't had any BM duties at all, it is merely a title! People will be coming to me on the day asking for help etc RE where to go/what to do, and quite honestly I have just as much an idea as they do.
AIBU to feel miffed by this?
(Sorry if this is a ramble, I hope it makes sense) tia x

OP posts:
Original poster
pcofmushu · 02/11/2021 20:51

Thats the thing, my sister has clearly signed this off and therefore we can conclude that she is happy with her day being like this. It is her day after all, and if this is how she wants it then fair enough. It isn't like me to be confrontational, but I don't think I can take a passive stance on this one. I will call her tonight to talk about it.

My parents feel like clearly her and her fiancé's priorities aren't in the right place. But like me, they acknowledge that it is her day and she can do what she likes on her day. Sour taste in many mouths, however.

OP posts:
Original poster
pcofmushu · 02/11/2021 20:52

@5lilducks

I think you need to speak to your sister, and if she didnt sort it out, (if it were me) I'd test positive on the day.
😂 this made me chuckle! It is a great idea and one I may actually do. I will keep you posted !
OP posts:
Original poster
pcofmushu · 02/11/2021 20:54

@Chloemol

I couldn’t be doing with this. I would be going to my sister and say that I am upset as I have not been included in any decisions by the others, , I feel i am a token bridesmaid she doesn’t actually want, and am very upset she thinks it acceptable other BM sit on the top table and I am in a corner and not even with my boyfriend. How would she feel if i did the same to her at my wedding?

I would finish that I am happy to relinquish all BM duties immediately and attend as a guest, but would want the seating plan changed to allow me to sit with my BF

Then when you do get married I wouldn’t have her as a BM

Yes definitely! I feel like I've only been made BM because she feels like she has to. For my wedding, I would only appointment people to BM who I genuinely want for them to get involved with some aspects of the planning. I would not stand for ANYONE feeling excluded from the party, and this is teaching me how things will/won't be done when my turn comes around!
OP posts:
CaptSkippy · 02/11/2021 20:54

Maybe just go as a regular guest, since you won't be able to fulfill any of the BM duties. Otherwise it will look like you just playing dress-up as a BM.

Watchingyou2sleezes · 02/11/2021 20:55

Pipe up, change the seating plan or, be a wet wipe and moan about it on the internet to strangers.
FFS grow some guts

Albanian · 02/11/2021 20:56

How on earth the bridesmaids know the details of groom's family dynamics I can't imagine. I think if you don't say something to your sister about the seating plan there may well be more very unhappy people at the wedding.

Saoirse82 · 02/11/2021 20:57

@TotallySuper

You need to speak to your sister. No way would she want you on on random table and the other 3 on top table.
This! It's really bizarre that you as the brides sister wouldn't be on the top table. Also it's usually the bride that does the seating plan. You really need to speak up for yourself here.
Timetoretiretospain · 02/11/2021 21:00

YANBU - really feel for you OP. X

Viviennemary · 02/11/2021 21:01

That is just so not on. I would just stand down as bridesmaid in this case. Why should you be walked over like this. Dont know if Id bother even going to the wedding. Dreadful. The seating arrangements would be the last straw.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/11/2021 21:03

I hope you get somewhere with your sister. It is outrageous you’ve neither been seated with her or your dp.

Is she normally easily manipulated? Do you know these 3 bridesmaids?

FatCatThinCat · 02/11/2021 21:04

It may well be her day but that doesn't give her carte blanc to treat her guests very badly. She is being exceptionally rude to you. I'd give her the chance to fix it or I wouldn't go.

Toddlerteaplease · 02/11/2021 21:06

She's your sister! Just tell her!

Lasair · 02/11/2021 21:08

So many weird things here.

  1. why are the BMs doing the seating plan?
  2. why is the seating plan released early? This is not a thing… it’s a wedding not the met gala.
  3. you’re not with your BF!? What?

Talk to your sister, don’t assume she’s signed off. Talk to her you don’t have to go in guns a blazing.

IamnotwhouthinkIam · 02/11/2021 21:09

I don't think the planning of the hen party is that big a deal - perfectly normal if the friends go for night outs more often with her than you do, as they may be more aware of the style of hen party she would want (be grateful you just have to turn up and do none of the planning work too Grin).

But bridemaids doing the wedding seating plan is just really strange - I always thought that was up to the bride and groom? (perhaps occasionally with unwanted input from parents if they have helped pay for the wedding).

You need to point out to your sister how odd it will look to the other guests and in photos if all the other bridemaids are on the top table (with your parents and in laws?) but not you as both fellow bridesmaid AND her sister Confused. I'm guessing she wouldn't want to risk it being a topic of conversation for the other guests when all the focus should be on her and the groom Wink.

RunningScarabbed · 02/11/2021 21:11

I think it's odd that your mother isn't more involved. Usually a mother would step in with at least a quiet word, if something as important as a seating plan is being mismanaged.

Does your sister not know that this is unusual? Is she too lazy or anxious to feel she can handle things like seating arrangements? The whole thing is strange. I'd tell her you'd like to go in and tweak the seating arrangements so that you can at least sit with you bf. The other BMs must be very strange women to think this was okay!

SnackSizeRaisin · 02/11/2021 21:14

How do you know the seating plan yourself? Did your sister send it? Just tell her it's unacceptable

AutumnLeaves21 · 02/11/2021 21:15

I’d be both angry and upset. Can’t believe the bridesmaids have shoved you in the corner and themselves on TT. Fucking nerve of them! If tell your sister how embarrassing this will be for you and how let down you feel by her.

jay55 · 02/11/2021 21:15

Can you not ask your sister if you've done something to upset her? There not being space on the top table is one thing, but not being sat with your boyfriend or the rest of the family looks like a vindictive punishment.

JudgeJ · 02/11/2021 21:17

@DroopyClematis

I'd be telling my sister about how you feel then I'd resign from the position, as it were. It would be embarrassing for you on the day , to be seated away from your sister whilst these 'friends' were at the top table.
I would be resigning from being a bridesmaid and leave your sister with the embarrassment of not having her sister there. Even if you don't, on the day I would refer all problems to the other three and try to enjoy the lack of responsibility.
C8H10N4O2 · 02/11/2021 21:18

I haven't confronted my sister directly about this, however I can only presume she signed off the seating plan which suggests she is OK with it! Really odd and actually quite insulting.

Well talk to her!
Honestly she may be assuming you are happy, you are assuming she is happy. The only way you are going to find out is if you actually talk to each other rather than being silently offended and hurt.

If she tells you this is what she wants then you know where you stand and can tell her you would prefer not to be a bridesmaid. If this isn't what she wants or she believed you were all happy with it then it gives her a chance to fix things. Silent resentment just results in bad feeling all round.

TrevorFountain · 02/11/2021 21:18

Someone involved in this is stricken with Control Syndrome By Tantrum - possibly one of the bridesmaids - and/or your sister just doesn't give a fuck any more.

It's all very odd and you do need to ask her what the matter is. Or speak to the groom.

Shortandsweet20 · 02/11/2021 21:19

Have your parents not said anything? I know my mom would find it very odd if my sister was on a random table!! I'd message your sister and say just checking before I ask in the group that the seating plan is correct. Then message the group chat or create one.

Has there been some miscommunication? No falling out or anything, it seems very odd!

Spoonio · 02/11/2021 21:20

Are you close with your sister now op? How often do you see/speak to each other?

This is very strange, unless you don't get on.

SuperbOwls · 02/11/2021 21:20

How bloody strange! A wedding table plan takes a UN level of diplomacy. I'd love to be a fly on the wall if it goes ahead

OhPatti · 02/11/2021 21:21

They've treated you appallingly. If I were you I'd tell your sister that either the seating plan's rearranged so you're at the top table too (that's if you still want to be BM - in your shoes I think I'd be seriously reconsidering) or else she can forget about you being bridesmaid.

Haven't RTFT but if she's aware of/happy with how her friends are behaving, I don't think I could even attend the wedding if I was in your shoes.