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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bridesmaid... but no duties?

241 replies

pcofmushu · 02/11/2021 20:06

I am bridesmaid at my sister's wedding next week. The group of bridesmaids consists of myself and 3 of my sister's friends.
The friends (BMs) have controlled everything, from details of the hen party to finer details on the day. I have not been consulted on any of the plans for the wedding. Not one! I feel as if the 3 friends have planned all of this together and have totally excluded me as the BM (and sister of the bride). To rub salt in the wounds, the seating plan was released today (seating plan made by the 3 BMs) and I am the only BM not on Top Table. I am sat on a random table with friends of friends of the Groom!!! I know there is no right or wrong, and my sister is obviously happy for the planning of the wedding to go this way. But I can't help but feel put out by this entire thing. I feel like I was given the role of BM because I am the sibling and its kind of what "should" happen. I haven't had any BM duties at all, it is merely a title! People will be coming to me on the day asking for help etc RE where to go/what to do, and quite honestly I have just as much an idea as they do.
AIBU to feel miffed by this?
(Sorry if this is a ramble, I hope it makes sense) tia x

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 03/11/2021 14:57

Your parents are being ridiculous for not wanting to rock the boat here.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 03/11/2021 15:28

Yes I think the rest of the guests will wonder why one of the bridesmaids, the Bride's only sister has been parked in the back corner in her bridesmaids dress with Randoms she doesn't know. Even people at your table might ask you.
It wouldn't be so bad if you were not sitting there in a bridesmaids dress.
It's very odd that people have mentioned this to your sister and that you've spoken to her and yet she's sticking to it. Its not a nice way to treat you to remove you from where your family are all sitting.
Is there something that she's mad at you about?
If the Bridesmaid's dress isn't ordered yet, I'd be tempted to just go as an ordinary guest. ( and sneak in and move ALL the placecards around before the others get there! Not really)

cstaff · 03/11/2021 15:29

Sorry OP but your sister is being a complete Bridezilla. There is no need for this carry on. If she didn't want to have you as BM, you might have been upset initially but I am sure you would have gotten over it especially when you started to realise the madness being caused by her and her BMs.

The fact that other people are upset about various other issues just proves that it is not you - it is her!!

Sceptre86 · 03/11/2021 15:36

Is your sister normally a bitch? Unless you are ok with a family fall out, I would just go in good spirits but don't forget how ultimately your sister has treated you. When your own time comes she shouldn't be a consideration for a bridesmaid. I'm 10 years older than my baby sister and whilst I have dear friends I am close to I would never have had them at the top table before my sister.

Andylion · 03/11/2021 15:49

@YoungGiftedPlump

Dearest Sister

I do not want to put a damper on your day nor do I want to be the centre of conversations and speculation

The decision to sit me away from the top table is already causing comment but to then separate me from my partner will only add to the gossip.

I cant bear thought of having to field endless questions about why there is a schism between us when I do not know the answer.

I dont want to distract from your perfect day and so I have decided that we will not be attending.

Love always

I think this a good message except that I would give her one last chance and, rather than say you will not attend, tell you will be switching seats with someone at your BF's table, (or he will join yours). As you have seen the seating plan, you have an idea of what might be best for all concerned, Then if your sister gives you grief over this, or refuses, say you will not attend.
thelegohooverer · 03/11/2021 16:03

In the circumstances I think I’d resign as bridesmaid and discreetly switch place cards as others have suggested.

Since neither your dsis or dps are showing sense, I think it’s up to you avoid a lot of unnecessary gossip and speculation about your family.

I don’t think you should take it personally. Learn from the experience what not to do, but be assured that this batshittery is definitely about them rather than you.

LizzieW1969 · 03/11/2021 17:10

The idea of bridesmaids doing the seating plan is completely bizarre. They won’t know a lot of the guests! That’s a job for the bride and groom, who have decided who to invite. I spent a lot of time on the seating plan, thinking carefully about where everyone should sit.

It sounds like no thought has gone into it at all, hence the number of guests who are unhappy about it. The friends have only been concerned that they themselves should be on the TT and not the OP.

I wouldn’t be surprised if you weren’t the only one that was separated from your partner as well.

Definitely speak to your sister about it!

LizzieW1969 · 03/11/2021 17:12

Discreetly swapping place cards so you’re next to your BF is a good idea, too.

CounsellorTroi · 03/11/2021 17:50

The friends have only been concerned that they themselves should be on the TT and not the OP.

They and their DPs. Are any of the DPs actually in the bridal party?

SergeantCatFlap · 03/11/2021 18:26

You should not wear any BM outfit, and you should sit with your BF. Show up to the venue with your boyfriend as a couple - do not join in with the BMs.

Goldfishmountainclimber · 03/11/2021 18:40

It is no great loss to have missed out on the ‘bridesmaid duties’ but not sitting at the top table does seem a bit odd!

vodkacat · 03/11/2021 18:40

You know what it’s what it’s one day, your sisters big day.. just suck it up and get on with it :-) enjoy your day if you can’t help .. you can’t just tell people to ask the Bm x

Notaroadrunner · 03/11/2021 19:01

@vodkacat

You know what it’s what it’s one day, your sisters big day.. just suck it up and get on with it :-) enjoy your day if you can’t help .. you can’t just tell people to ask the Bm x
So op should be humiliated for the day just so her sister gets away with being a bitch?
Laurie000 · 03/11/2021 19:09

Speak to your sister and get the go ahead to take over the seating plan as you’ll have a much better idea as to where to seat the guests, particularly your side of the family. And then if I were you I’d split those 3 up and put them on random tables right at the back of the room far away from each other with some annoying aunts and uncles.

Tigger1895 · 03/11/2021 20:19

So you and your bf are at different tables, him with your brothers? You need to talk to your sister and ask why you are at a random table and your bf is with your family. Are you sure your sister is aware of the situation? The other 3 are just being completely random in their actions and seem to be making it about themselves and not taking anyone else into consideration

blubberyboo · 03/11/2021 20:54

TBH it sounds like your sister is very weak and is in a friendship group where her friends call the shots.

Now they’ve taken over her wedding seating to suit them.

You could try to take a stand and message the BM group chat and say that “it’s important to the family that you as the sister sits at the top table so one of them could move down to your seat… who is going to volunteer?”

happytoday73 · 03/11/2021 20:57

Op... Why haven't you rang your sister about the seating at least?

shouldistop · 03/11/2021 20:59

@happytoday73

Op... Why haven't you rang your sister about the seating at least?
Op updated this morning that she'd contacted her sister.
Amberflames · 03/11/2021 21:02

Op updated this morning that she'd contacted her sister.

I don’t think it was clear that she had asked the specific question about the seating plan on the context of why am I sat on a table I’d randoms at the back without my partner?

blubberyboo · 03/11/2021 21:16

I really can’t fathom why your sister has okayed you being sat:
Not at the top table
Not with your partner
And with a complete bunch of randomers

Maybe there is a reason for it if someone needs a hand hold or something but your sister needs to explain it

If it were me and she was embarrassing me publicly like this I would either fake covid on the day or turn up in ordinary wedding clothes ie not the bridesmaid dress. At least then it wouldn’t look so obvious

Trudij123 · 03/11/2021 22:48

I’d be “oh no!! I need to go for a PCR test” the day before. And mysteriously not get the results in time to go.

fargo123 · 03/11/2021 23:18

My sister was a bridezilla. I refused to attend the wedding. I would do the same in this case.

I've never heard of anyone aside from the couple doing the seating plan (with maybe some imput from the parents), so why your sister and her fiance let these obviously nasty women do it is beyond me. Even more mind boggling is both of them accepting it.

I don't live in the UK, but at weddings here, the B&G and the wedding party are the only ones at the top table. A missing bridesmaid (or groomsman), especially a sibling of the B&G, would definitely be a topic of conversation. If these idiots are hoping to be the centre of attention by excluding you from the table, then it'll most likely have the opposite effect.

Fluffmum · 04/11/2021 07:51

What do your parents say?

steff13 · 04/11/2021 08:07

Goodness. Normally I'm very "you do you" when it comes to weddings, but I'd be a little heartbroken here. Your sister's behavior feels like a blatant snub. I think I'd not go to the wedding at all.

Frigginintheriggin · 04/11/2021 08:46

Does your sister even like you? Is she jealous of you in some way? Are you better looking/golden child on her mind?
I am just trying to rationalise wtf would go through someone's head to allow their sister to be treated in such a crap manner.
Maybe its your bf she doesn't like? She could at least sit you together....
I think I'd be unwell on the day too if she wasn't willing to listen to your feelings at least about sitting with your bf and not randoms!