Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bridesmaid... but no duties?

241 replies

pcofmushu · 02/11/2021 20:06

I am bridesmaid at my sister's wedding next week. The group of bridesmaids consists of myself and 3 of my sister's friends.
The friends (BMs) have controlled everything, from details of the hen party to finer details on the day. I have not been consulted on any of the plans for the wedding. Not one! I feel as if the 3 friends have planned all of this together and have totally excluded me as the BM (and sister of the bride). To rub salt in the wounds, the seating plan was released today (seating plan made by the 3 BMs) and I am the only BM not on Top Table. I am sat on a random table with friends of friends of the Groom!!! I know there is no right or wrong, and my sister is obviously happy for the planning of the wedding to go this way. But I can't help but feel put out by this entire thing. I feel like I was given the role of BM because I am the sibling and its kind of what "should" happen. I haven't had any BM duties at all, it is merely a title! People will be coming to me on the day asking for help etc RE where to go/what to do, and quite honestly I have just as much an idea as they do.
AIBU to feel miffed by this?
(Sorry if this is a ramble, I hope it makes sense) tia x

OP posts:
ImInStealthMode · 02/11/2021 20:23

Why on earth are the Bridesmaids doing the bloody seating plan? What on earth is your Sister playing at? You're not sat with either family or your boyfriend??? Is it common for multiple bridesmaids to be on the top table? How long's the bloody table?

If I were you I'd be tempted to step down OP (actually I'm prone to over-reacting so I'd probably not even go to the wedding)

Sorry they're being unkind to you x

PaintedDaisy · 02/11/2021 20:23

BF is on a table with my brothers - he isn't even sat with me??? It is so weird. that is so weird!!!! I'd say something.

PaintedDaisy · 02/11/2021 20:24

Do they even know who you are? Or have they just decided at random where to put you?

Original poster
pcofmushu · 02/11/2021 20:24

@unfortunateevents

How on earth are the BMs doing the seating plan? Surely they don't even know all the guests or who should be sitting together? What has your sister said when you told her that you are the only BM not on the top table?
I haven't confronted my sister directly about this, however I can only presume she signed off the seating plan which suggests she is OK with it! Really odd and actually quite insulting.
OP posts:
Original poster
pcofmushu · 02/11/2021 20:25

@mrsevangelina

I don't think bridesmaids are usually so instrumental in the planning, I think this is really strange. I wouldn't dream of passing the seating plan to anyone else, how do they know who likes/dislikes each other and who would get on well!

It's not right that you're not on the top table when the other BMs will be sitting with your parents presumably!

Literally! The other BMs will be sat on TT next to my parents, and I will be a BM sat in a random corner with randoms, not even my own partner!
OP posts:
Arabelladrinkstea · 02/11/2021 20:26

You need a frank discussion, face to face, alone and not to be disturbed with your sister.

I would start by saying ‘dsis need to talk to you privately’

Then alone, empathise with her, say you’re grateful she asked but clearly only did it as she felt duty bound.
However that kindness is now actually insulting and hurting you as felt very hurt to be excluded from top table as only bridesmaid not seated there.

Therefore thank you but no thanks k You to be your bridesmaid and I’d end with - how about as your sister I will love and support you on your bog day!! Flowers 🙏🏽❤️

notanothertakeaway · 02/11/2021 20:27

How bizarre for bridesmaids to make the seating plan for the wedding

But you dodged a bullet not having to arrange the hen night, so I wouldn't be upset about that

Arabelladrinkstea · 02/11/2021 20:27

Sorry awful typo!

LagunaBubbles · 02/11/2021 20:28

Of course you need to say something, why on earth wouldn't you, its really odd and you're upset.

MrsTulipTattsyrup · 02/11/2021 20:31

You have to ring your sister tonight and ask her what’s going on. It’s mad that you’ve not even been moved to sit with your partner!

None of it makes sense so I would just tell her that you’re presuming a mistake has been made, and ask her if she wants some help working out how to put it right. How will your parents feel if you’re not on the top table with them and are stuck by the bogs on a different table from your partner? Mine would have gone absolutely up the wall!

BurntO · 02/11/2021 20:32

OP just message them, or your sister, now. Called as to why you have been feeling like this and not yet said anythingConfused

shouldistop · 02/11/2021 20:33

You need to phone your sister and find out what's going on. It sounds like there's been some sort of mistake

Marvellousmadness · 02/11/2021 20:36

This is easily resolved by talking to your sister...
Raise all your concerns with her. And if she dismisses you well.. I dont know . I would debate even going. But if I did I would for sure sit with my parents and bf so would kick up a stink about that

Sounds like you and your sis aren't as close anymorr as you did when growing up op. Maybe your parents pressured her into asking you as bm

Notaroadrunner · 02/11/2021 20:38

Grow a spine and call your sister tonight to tell her there's no way in hell you are sitting at a random table. If she doesn't agree then tell her to shove her bridesmaids up her arse and just don't go as a bridesmaid.

Ponoka7 · 02/11/2021 20:41

I'd be worried that she is overwhelmed and being slightly taken advantage of. I'd be having a chat with your Mum as well.

Whereismumhiding3 · 02/11/2021 20:43

Strands to have 3BMs sat at TT and one BM sat in random table at the back. You're in wedding party too.

If you're not sat at TT you must be sat with your BF
That's outrageous not to sit you with your DP.

I'm close to my Sis, so I would be saying to her, they've messed up seating plans.. where to you want me? But if Im not at TT I'll be with my DP as you don't split up couples

Notonthestairs · 02/11/2021 20:45

I always think brides and grooms should do their wedding their way but this is ridiculous - please talk to your sister.

Rinoachicken · 02/11/2021 20:46

What do your parents think? You said a lot of family members are upset by the seating arrangements, how do they feel about it?

Mine would be absolutely fuming. These are 3 women totally unrelated to EITHER side of the bridal party, no idea of family dynamics, separating couples, (are you the only coupl that’s been separated?) upsetting Aunty Doris etc not having the brides sister in the top table but sticking her out the way on her own while they lord it up at the top?!

Mine would be sitting up there on the day and looking at them sitting next to the mother of the bride and be saying who’s the fuck are you and where’s my actual daughter??!!

You NEED to speak to your sister. She may not realise the extent of what’s happened. At the very LEAST you should be seated with your partner ffs. I can’t imagine she WANTS her entire wedding reception ruined by thoughtless seating arrangements. And ALL of your family will be looking up at the top table on the day and muttering to themselves saying ‘where’s pcofmushu? Who are those 3 and why are on the top table instead of her sister? Why is my husband on the other side of the room?!’

ParmigianoReggiano · 02/11/2021 20:49

I'd be really cross about the seating plan. Wtf?!

Crimeismymiddlename · 02/11/2021 20:49

This is so odd. Aren’t your parents asking why you are not sat with them but the others are?
Her friends sound mean, but your sister is going along with the whole thing with seemingly no issue with this.

Crinkle77 · 02/11/2021 20:49

I'd be pissed off about the seating plan but would be glad to have got off the hook with the rest of the planning side.

5lilducks · 02/11/2021 20:50

I think you need to speak to your sister, and if she didnt sort it out, (if it were me) I'd test positive on the day.

TatianaBis · 02/11/2021 20:50

If it were one of my sisters I would just be saying: definitely not sitting on a random table with the groom's family, sort this out please.

San141 · 02/11/2021 20:51

Fuck that for a game of soldiers!! You need to speak to your sister!!! It's her wedding, good luck x

Chloemol · 02/11/2021 20:51

I couldn’t be doing with this. I would be going to my sister and say that I am upset as I have not been included in any decisions by the others, , I feel i am a token bridesmaid she doesn’t actually want, and am very upset she thinks it acceptable other BM sit on the top table and I am in a corner and not even with my boyfriend. How would she feel if i did the same to her at my wedding?

I would finish that I am happy to relinquish all BM duties immediately and attend as a guest, but would want the seating plan changed to allow me to sit with my BF

Then when you do get married I wouldn’t have her as a BM