Nasty for them to exclude me?

[Korbah]

Last Christmas DH and I decided not to mix. I’m CEV and was due to be vaccinated in January, I didn’t want to risk my life at the last minute after I’d shielded for months. But his family were making plans including us, and I was worried it would get to the point where they’d say it’s too late to drop out, and I’d get pressured into it. DH said I’ll tell them but not right now... because he knew MIL would take a hissy fit and wanted to postpone it. I told DH I was finding it stressful and feeling like I was going to be pressured into something unsafe for my health, so he needed to tell them within 7 days or I’d tell them myself. He didn’t tell them - so I did. As nicely as possible.

MIL immediately left the group chat and blocked me. Apparently she cried for weeks because of not having her family Christmas. Nobody posted in the group chat ever again. I’ve seen MIL and the rest of DH’s family a couple of times since then and have chatted politely. So I figured MIL’s tantrum was forgotten.

Yesterday I saw DH texting in a new “Bloggs Family” chat. Looks like they’ve set up a new family chat with everyone except me. I got really annoyed and said it’s nasty to exclude me. DH said no no, it isn’t a new family chat... we were just texting each other. Well that is a new family chat then!

AIBU to just refuse to have anything to do with any of them ever again? They’ve purposely excluded me and I think it’s nasty, I don’t see how I’m supposed to see them and just ignore it.

Why is it nasty for him to have a conversation with his family?

You are being unreasonable on this one.

Yabu
And controlling

Well I have several family chats that my dh isn't included in. Don't think he'd want to tbh.....

You sound like ur quite similar to ur MIL tbh

We have family chats my husband isn’t on them.
Same as he has chats with his family I’m not on them either.

But Christmas was cancelled last year. No one was allowed to mix.

Well I think you were wrong in the first place to let MIL excitedly plan last Christmas with you all when you knew you weren't going to go. It's no good blaming your DH for not telling her, you're an adult!

You would just escalate the problem and then it would become entrenched. Try to calm down and keep it in perspective.

Wow! Give your head a wobble! Most families have WhatsApp groups without spouses. What’s wrong with that?

I wouldn’t really expect to be on my DH family chat, however I can see why you feel excluded as you were in the group before. It does sound like your MIL totally overreacted about Christmas last year!

YABU and quite like how you describe your MIL.

Obviously he can have a family chat group without you; it’s his fucking family!

He was a coward for not telling his family about Christmas last year though. I assume you have him the last minute chance? Eg ‘I’ve written X, I think it would be better coming from you, shall I send it or are you going to write something now?’

It's not exclusion. People often have multiple group chats with different family members. Eg one with mum, another with dad and a third with mum and dad.

Considering what happened last year, you should be relieved that to be away from the drama. Just get your h to give you the important highlights.

It's totally normal to have a family group chat without your partner. Your MIL sounds like a total drama queen but you sound quite dramatic too, wanting to cut them out over a WhatsApp chat.

I'd leave them to it, and enjoy the peace and quiet, myself. . . a lot less drama!

For everyone saying it's normal to have a group chat without partners - it is, but the point is they stopped posting in the old one and specifically made a new one without her in it. I think I'd be a bit upset at that, too.

" apparently she cried for weeks"
So you know this from hearsay? She wasn't phoning you up crying down the phone?

Last Christmas was a complete headfuck for most of us. Certainly up here, we had been in lockdown for months, then tier 3 for extra months. We hadn't seen family for such a long time and we keenly felt those missing relationships. Then Christmas was dangled in front of us....we could have a short window where we could see our loved ones. We had it all planned out...a long journey and a joyful reunion.
Then it was all pulled out from under us. I cried! I found it really upsetting and disconcerting.

I think you need to reframe it from your mil having a " hissy fit" which is just unkind to mil finding the lack of normality challenging.

Well if you are sooo nasty they won't want to spend Xmas with you.. Win bloody win.

We have a full family chat including spouses, one with just parents and sibling and another with just siblings! I don't think you're being excluded

They all sound like ridiculous, petty arseholes and your DH is enabling it by joining in!

I swear I am no longer surprised at just how pathetic some MILs are. I have a notion that they’ve had a lifetime of poor behaviour that was supported by the husband and then passed over to the adult children.

You were very concerned about your health so chose to opt out of festivities for one year and for that you got blocked? Honestly. Just keep away from them all. They sound toxic.

Surely you let them get on with it? One less thing for you to do!

@BananaPB

It's not exclusion. People often have multiple group chats with different family members. Eg one with mum, another with dad and a third with mum and dad.

Considering what happened last year, you should be relieved that to be away from the drama. Just get your h to give you the important highlights.

Yes, I have one with all my siblings, one with siblings and parents, one just with sisters (which I think was originally set up to arrange a birthday thing for our brother but is occasionally posted on). DH is on none of these, nor am I on his family WhatsApps,which is mainly involved in-jokes and birthday reminders.

What are your plans for this Christmas? I don't think I could spend any time with them.

I get the impression there is a massive back story here.

How is it not exclusion? The OP has stated there was a family WhatsApp group that used to include her. She carefully excused herself from Christmas arrangements which resulted in the MIL flouncing off the group to cry for two weeks and OP states that group was never posted on again. Now there is a new family WhatsApp group that doesn’t include her. That’s the very definition of exclusion isn’t it?

@LindaEllen

For everyone saying it's normal to have a group chat without partners - it is, but the point is they stopped posting in the old one and specifically made a new one without her in it. I think I'd be a bit upset at that, too.

Exactly this. I’d feel exactly the same as you OP and you MIL behaved irrationally. It’s not like you purposely acted to spoil things, Covid spoiled things, you were being sensible at a time of GLOBAL pandemic!