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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nasty for them to exclude me?

360 replies

Korbah · 02/11/2021 09:21

Last Christmas DH and I decided not to mix. I’m CEV and was due to be vaccinated in January, I didn’t want to risk my life at the last minute after I’d shielded for months. But his family were making plans including us, and I was worried it would get to the point where they’d say it’s too late to drop out, and I’d get pressured into it. DH said I’ll tell them but not right now... because he knew MIL would take a hissy fit and wanted to postpone it. I told DH I was finding it stressful and feeling like I was going to be pressured into something unsafe for my health, so he needed to tell them within 7 days or I’d tell them myself. He didn’t tell them - so I did. As nicely as possible.

MIL immediately left the group chat and blocked me. Apparently she cried for weeks because of not having her family Christmas. Nobody posted in the group chat ever again. I’ve seen MIL and the rest of DH’s family a couple of times since then and have chatted politely. So I figured MIL’s tantrum was forgotten.

Yesterday I saw DH texting in a new “Bloggs Family” chat. Looks like they’ve set up a new family chat with everyone except me. I got really annoyed and said it’s nasty to exclude me. DH said no no, it isn’t a new family chat... we were just texting each other. Well that is a new family chat then!

AIBU to just refuse to have anything to do with any of them ever again? They’ve purposely excluded me and I think it’s nasty, I don’t see how I’m supposed to see them and just ignore it.

OP posts:
Charlene1971 · 02/11/2021 10:06

@Polmuggle

We have a family chat just my brother, me and parents, which excludes sister in law. We have another one with her in but it's hardly used.

Is that nasty?

No, it's not nasty. You have every right to do this. In fact, we used to have a family chat with just my siblings in it, then my sister made one with all of our partners in them, pissed me off 😂

But OP might be the only in-law not in the new group chat, we don't know the fill story?

Notonthestairs · 02/11/2021 10:07

So for 6 years you were part of the family chat, you decline Christmas invitation and then are dropped from the group?

Yes that's intended to upset you.

I'd ignore.

Original poster
Korbah · 02/11/2021 10:07

Is it just him and his immediate family (e.g. parents and siblings), or are his siblings partners in the group as well?
Everyone. Except me.

OP posts:
TheKeatingFive · 02/11/2021 10:08

They're allowed to set up a group without you. I don't see what's unreasonable about that.

LittleDandelionClock · 02/11/2021 10:09

@LindaEllen

For everyone saying it's normal to have a group chat without partners - it is, but the point is they stopped posting in the old one and specifically made a new one without her in it. I think I'd be a bit upset at that, too.
This. I am shocked at the responses on here, and think the OP's husband is behaving in a sneaky, conniving manner. And HE sounds much like his mother, the OP doesn't! @Korbah YANBU at all.^ They all sound like a bunch of self-centred boors.

As for the MIL 'crying for weeks' because she couldn't have the family for Christmas! How pathetic. Is she 5? Hmm

Newsflash lady ; NO-ONE HAD THEIR FAMILY FOR CHRISTMAS LAST YEAR, BECAUSE WE WERE IN A LOCKDOWN. Some people were fortunate enough to see a couple of people, but no-one saw their whole family.

Horrible behaviour like this would have me questioning my marriage tbh. Your DH is no better than his mother.

As for the people deriding you, ignore them. There's no way in HELL that anyone on this thread would be happy with what has happened. Not the fact that your DH has a separate chat with his family that excludes you, but the fact that his MIL and family has got the hump with you, and your DH has started this chat behind your back, and you are being purposely excluded.

Notonthestairs · 02/11/2021 10:09

They stopped using a group because the Op declined Christmas - how ridiculous.

Charlene1971 · 02/11/2021 10:09

@Korbah

Is it just him and his immediate family (e.g. parents and siblings), or are his siblings partners in the group as well? Everyone. Except me.
So, your siblings other partners have been added, but not you?
Charlene1971 · 02/11/2021 10:10

@TheKeatingFive

They're allowed to set up a group without you. I don't see what's unreasonable about that.
You don't see what's unreasonable about purposely excluding a person? Seriously? Hmm
Original poster
Korbah · 02/11/2021 10:10

So for 6 years you were part of the family chat, you decline Christmas invitation and then are dropped from the group? Yes that's intended to upset you
Yes exactly. For six years everyone was included in the group chat. Now it’s everyone except me. I’ve asked to be added and DH said no. Because he said if he adds me then MIL will leave the group chat again and they’ll just set up a new group chat without me again.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 02/11/2021 10:11

You keep saying "everyone except me" but we don't know who that is. Can you clarify?

Original poster
Korbah · 02/11/2021 10:12

So, your siblings other partners have been added, but not you?
DH’s siblings partners. Yes. Everyone was in the original group. Everyone except me is in the new group.

OP posts:
HunterHearstHelmsley · 02/11/2021 10:12

@DelphiniumBlue

But Christmas was cancelled last year. No one was allowed to mix.
In some areas. We were allowed a bubble of three households for Christmas Day.
TheKeatingFive · 02/11/2021 10:12

You don't see what's unreasonable about purposely excluding a person? Seriously?

I posted that before your update.

How do you know the other partners are in the chat? Did you look?

What does your husband say about it?

LittleDandelionClock · 02/11/2021 10:13

Seriously @Korbah you are being treated appallingly.

I would really seriously be questioning whether I want to spend my life with a man - and a FAMILY - who treats you like this. Sad

Bluntness100 · 02/11/2021 10:13

I remember this from last year, and I remember your thread, the issue was in the way you told them, which caused the issue and you were told that at the time, I also seem to remember there was issues in how you communicated with his family causing issues,

To be honest I think if you’re the poster I remember I am not surprised they have done this.

RobinPenguins · 02/11/2021 10:15

This all feels really overblown…MIL crying for weeks, OP never being able to face them again etc.

Just dial it all back a bit? So much unnecessary drama.

Maxiedog123 · 02/11/2021 10:15

@Korbah

So for 6 years you were part of the family chat, you decline Christmas invitation and then are dropped from the group? Yes that's intended to upset you Yes exactly. For six years everyone was included in the group chat. Now it’s everyone except me. I’ve asked to be added and DH said no. Because he said if he adds me then MIL will leave the group chat again and they’ll just set up a new group chat without me again.
Well I'd be pretty unhappy withy husband in that case
Original poster
Korbah · 02/11/2021 10:15

You keep saying "everyone except me" but we don't know who that is. Can you clarify?
DH. MIL. FIL. DH siblings and their partners. Everyone except me.

OP posts:
Elbie79 · 02/11/2021 10:15

@LindaEllen

For everyone saying it's normal to have a group chat without partners - it is, but the point is they stopped posting in the old one and specifically made a new one without her in it. I think I'd be a bit upset at that, too.
Yes completely agree with this. There's a difference, they are being purposefully unkind. I don't think cutting them out completely is the answer OP, but your DH needs to stop being such a massive fucking wuss and remember you and he are supposed to be a team.
rookiemere · 02/11/2021 10:16

This is a DH problem not a MIL one. I don't know the backstory but your DH should have your back and refuse to participate in a group that you've been excluded from.

Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 02/11/2021 10:16

So did you tell mil you weren't coming for Christmas on a group chat or on the phone in a proper conversation?
What did you say? How did you say it?

girlmom21 · 02/11/2021 10:17

@Korbah

You keep saying "everyone except me" but we don't know who that is. Can you clarify? DH. MIL. FIL. DH siblings and their partners. Everyone except me.
Thanks for clarifying. People will stop saying it's not exclusion now, because it clearly is.

This is a definite DH problem. He needs to have a word with his DM.

Elbie79 · 02/11/2021 10:18

@Korbah

The new one has been set up almost a year later! Apparently it was set up last year shortly after they stopped posting in the old group chat. They’ve been using it for a year without my knowledge. I’ve seen them since and they all knew they had joined a new group chat behind my back, which included everyone except me, and nobody said anything.
Gosh I'd hate this
Charlene1971 · 02/11/2021 10:18

@Korbah

So, your siblings other partners have been added, but not you? DH’s siblings partners. Yes. Everyone was in the original group. Everyone except me is in the new group.
This is incredibly nasty! Have you asked your partner why on earth they've done this?

To everyone saying it's fine, your either trolling or you lack morals and/or respect. Imagine your child was purposely excluded from a group of friends at school after a disagreement, would you tell your child that the group had done nothing wrong? Of course not, you would class the group as a bunch of nasty little bullies!

NeverHadANickname · 02/11/2021 10:19

@LindaEllen

For everyone saying it's normal to have a group chat without partners - it is, but the point is they stopped posting in the old one and specifically made a new one without her in it. I think I'd be a bit upset at that, too.
I agree with this. Unreasonable to expect to be part of a family chat generally but in this situation OP has been specifically excluded and ignored.