Nasty for them to exclude me?

[Korbah]

Last Christmas DH and I decided not to mix. I’m CEV and was due to be vaccinated in January, I didn’t want to risk my life at the last minute after I’d shielded for months. But his family were making plans including us, and I was worried it would get to the point where they’d say it’s too late to drop out, and I’d get pressured into it. DH said I’ll tell them but not right now... because he knew MIL would take a hissy fit and wanted to postpone it. I told DH I was finding it stressful and feeling like I was going to be pressured into something unsafe for my health, so he needed to tell them within 7 days or I’d tell them myself. He didn’t tell them - so I did. As nicely as possible.

MIL immediately left the group chat and blocked me. Apparently she cried for weeks because of not having her family Christmas. Nobody posted in the group chat ever again. I’ve seen MIL and the rest of DH’s family a couple of times since then and have chatted politely. So I figured MIL’s tantrum was forgotten.

Yesterday I saw DH texting in a new “Bloggs Family” chat. Looks like they’ve set up a new family chat with everyone except me. I got really annoyed and said it’s nasty to exclude me. DH said no no, it isn’t a new family chat... we were just texting each other. Well that is a new family chat then!

AIBU to just refuse to have anything to do with any of them ever again? They’ve purposely excluded me and I think it’s nasty, I don’t see how I’m supposed to see them and just ignore it.

OP

You can’t go to their Christmas. You just can’t.

Re DH it’s an outrageous breach of trust.
I’d say the proverbial LTB but sadly I’ve myself put up with worse.

OP she sounds like a lunatic, ripping down decorations and disappearing to the point her DH thought she might do something stupid? And her whole family enable this by pandering to it, Jesus what an absolute shit show.

I 100% would be putting my foot down at this point, don't message them individually, don't visit when when your DH does and certainly don't go for Christmas dinner and if your DH won't tell her and why then that's his problem and not yours!

@Korbah

Excluding you from the group chat, which he’s not told you about, but expecting you to attend family events, knowing that you’re being ostracised, is a gigantic breach of trust. This is the problem. He knew they’d excluded me. He knew they were exchanging photos of the kids and I was the only one who wasn’t seeing them. He knew I was the only one not being updated on Bill’s new job and Ben running the marathon and Bob growing a huge tomato that won the village fete. And he allowed that to happen and said nothing. And he let me meet up with them and sit there like an ignorant spanner while they all knew they’d ostracised me. I still wouldn’t know if I hadn’t happened to accidentally see “Bloggs Family Chat” on his phone.

But the big issue here isn’t your DH family. It’s your DH.

Because if I was at your SIL an BIL place I would have expected your DH to tell you about the chat and to include you by showing you the chat/letting you know about Bob and Bill.

Thé issue here is that HE ostracised you completely from his family. HE put you in that position. BIL and SIL had no way to know that he would not even think about updating you on them. Because let’s be honest, that’s a pretty shit thing to do for you and for them.

Have to say.. you should have done as he asked. Stayed out of it last year and let him tell his mum. It backfired on you. Sorry.

Our rule is: I deal with my Mum. DH deals with his.

You know, if no one responded to your individual messages to them, then they're not worth bothering about either.

it sounds like you are the new family scapegoat and no one will risk upsetting the balance in case they join you on the ostracised bench.

That makes them ALL cowards - if they ALL stood up for you then this would have to stop or MIL would end up being the ostracised one, by her own actions.

It reminds me of Dave Pelzer's book "A boy called It" - where all his family joined in with his mother's abuse of him, because they knew it kept them safe from her. And like the "queen bee" bullies at school - some of their henchmen will be there to avoid being the next victim.

It's pathetic behaviour from all of them, your DH included.

And as such I'd want nothing more to do with any of them. Fuck'em all.

The difficulty is your DC - if they go along to family functions, will they be tarred with the ostracism brush too, or will they be included as usual? And will the MIL badmouth you to them? That would bother me, especially as you can't rely on your H to stand up for you in any way.

So again I'd say find a reason to not go this Christmas. I wouldn't even bother telling them why - they all already know! - why let them know that you're affected by it, just tell them you're not well. If your H rats you out then you will absolutely know that he's not worth keeping around.

And I agree with everyone saying leave your H's family to him now. He can deal with everything relating to them on his own.

It's not petty, it's self-preservation. You wouldn't "be the bigger person" if it involved walking into a snakepit - you just wouldn't do it. This is much the same.

@DirtyDancing

Have to say.. you should have done as he asked. Stayed out of it last year and let him tell his mum. It backfired on you. Sorry.

Our rule is: I deal with my Mum. DH deals with his.

Youre right then it’s her DH who would have been disgraced instead.

At least I supposed that they would they BOTH have been excluded from the family

@ThumbWitchesAbroad

You know, if no one responded to your individual messages to them, then they're not worth bothering about either.

it sounds like you are the new family scapegoat and no one will risk upsetting the balance in case they join you on the ostracised bench.

That makes them ALL cowards - if they ALL stood up for you then this would have to stop or MIL would end up being the ostracised one, by her own actions.

It reminds me of Dave Pelzer's book "A boy called It" - where all his family joined in with his mother's abuse of him, because they knew it kept them safe from her. And like the "queen bee" bullies at school - some of their henchmen will be there to avoid being the next victim.

It's pathetic behaviour from all of them, your DH included.

And as such I'd want nothing more to do with any of them. Fuck'em all.

The difficulty is your DC - if they go along to family functions, will they be tarred with the ostracism brush too, or will they be included as usual? And will the MIL badmouth you to them? That would bother me, especially as you can't rely on your H to stand up for you in any way.

So again I'd say find a reason to not go this Christmas. I wouldn't even bother telling them why - they all already know! - why let them know that you're affected by it, just tell them you're not well. If your H rats you out then you will absolutely know that he's not worth keeping around.

And I agree with everyone saying leave your H's family to him now. He can deal with everything relating to them on his own.

It's not petty, it's self-preservation. You wouldn't "be the bigger person" if it involved walking into a snakepit - you just wouldn't do it. This is much the same.

I agree with all of this.

Except I wouldn’t make up a reason not to go as such. I’d be honest and just say to DH “Well you, your mother and your family have made it crystal clear what they think of me. Therefore I won’t be attending. Ever.”

@DirtyDancing

Have to say.. you should have done as he asked. Stayed out of it last year and let him tell his mum. It backfired on you. Sorry.

Our rule is: I deal with my Mum. DH deals with his.

The DH who knew it needed done, had said he would, knew it was stressing OP out, kept putting it off cos he knew his mum would tantrum and still didn't even after OP gave him a deadline? That DH?

No way would I be going to eat food with them. I'd rather have Christmas Day on my own or with friends and let my spineless OH go to his family.

YANBU.

I would not be part of that.