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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Nasty for them to exclude me?

360 replies

Korbah · 02/11/2021 09:21

Last Christmas DH and I decided not to mix. I’m CEV and was due to be vaccinated in January, I didn’t want to risk my life at the last minute after I’d shielded for months. But his family were making plans including us, and I was worried it would get to the point where they’d say it’s too late to drop out, and I’d get pressured into it. DH said I’ll tell them but not right now... because he knew MIL would take a hissy fit and wanted to postpone it. I told DH I was finding it stressful and feeling like I was going to be pressured into something unsafe for my health, so he needed to tell them within 7 days or I’d tell them myself. He didn’t tell them - so I did. As nicely as possible.

MIL immediately left the group chat and blocked me. Apparently she cried for weeks because of not having her family Christmas. Nobody posted in the group chat ever again. I’ve seen MIL and the rest of DH’s family a couple of times since then and have chatted politely. So I figured MIL’s tantrum was forgotten.

Yesterday I saw DH texting in a new “Bloggs Family” chat. Looks like they’ve set up a new family chat with everyone except me. I got really annoyed and said it’s nasty to exclude me. DH said no no, it isn’t a new family chat... we were just texting each other. Well that is a new family chat then!

AIBU to just refuse to have anything to do with any of them ever again? They’ve purposely excluded me and I think it’s nasty, I don’t see how I’m supposed to see them and just ignore it.

OP posts:

rainraim · 02/11/2021 09:49

Is this a new chat where they are discussing Xmas plans? I can see why your upset, you were initially part of the group and when you couldn't attend a family function, they pretty much ousted you and created another group without you in it. I too would be upset by this. I wouldn't spend my Xmas with dramatic ppl like that

Nyxs · 02/11/2021 09:49

AIBU to just refuse to have anything to do with any of them ever again? They’ve purposely excluded me and I think it’s nasty, I don’t see how I’m supposed to see them and just ignore it.

That sounds quite similar to the 'hissy fit' you have heard your mil had over Christmas plans.

I genuinely don't get this. While you are married, why can't he have a family chat without you?

I can't imagine dp or my even my exh kicking off because he isn't involved with everything I conversation with my family.

But also, since your husband was in this group and could have chosen to tell you.
Are you leaving him? Never speaking to him again?

If you are so offended that you are going to refuse to have anything to do with the people in the chat, that would include your dh?

HintofVintagePink · 02/11/2021 09:49

Yabu. Your DH is allowed to communicate with his family with you being involved.

Notaroadrunner · 02/11/2021 09:50

After last time why would you even want to be part of their group chat? If they are organising a gathering then I imagine your Dh would consult you to ask if you're available or if you can be arsed going. You answer yes or no. You don't need to be involved further than that. I certainly wouldn't want to be added to Dh's family chat if there was one.

Original poster

Korbah · 02/11/2021 09:51

Why is it nasty for him to have a conversation with his family?
It’s nasty to stop using a chat that includes one person, and set up a new chat that includes everyone except that person.

OP posts:

Nyxs · 02/11/2021 09:51

I swear I am no longer surprised at just how pathetic some MILs are. I have a notion that they’ve had a lifetime of poor behaviour that was supported by the husband and then passed over to the adult children

This is true. But I bet most of them were nightmare DILs as well.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/11/2021 09:51

They all sound like ridiculous, petty arseholes and your DH is enabling it by joining in!

^^
This! Your DH should say to them “look it was as much my decision as Korbah’s, I just didn’t get round to telling you. I’m not going to be involved in group chats where she’s excluded”

As pps have said, no one could mix last Xmas anyway, or in very limited numbers in some areas of the country- not sure where you are!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/11/2021 09:52

It is nasty to all leave one group including you and set up another excluding you. I think some people are deliberately misunderstanding.

BluebellCockleshell123 · 02/11/2021 09:53

We have several family group chats. One with everyone (parents, children, grandchildren, in-laws, cousins etc), I have one just with my parents & siblings, another one with just my siblings, yet another with siblings and spouses and we’ve got a nuclear one of me, DH & our kids.

So I think it depends on whether this group chat is only DH’s immediate family (i.e.parents & siblings) or if other siblings spouses are included in it. If the former then you are making a big fuss over nothing. If the latter then yes I’d be upset in your shoes.

Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 02/11/2021 09:54

The new one has been set up almost a year later!

nokidshere · 02/11/2021 09:54

We have lots of family chats. We have one for us sisters only, one which includes mum, one which includes nieces/nephews and wider family. I also have a group chat with me and both my sons, and an individual chat group with each of them.

DH isn't on any of them because he doesn't use social media at all. If he wants to know anything he has to get the news second hand from me. And he has no family other than me and the boys.

girlmom21 · 02/11/2021 09:54

Are other in-laws of your DH's involved in the chat? If so, it's exclusion. If not, it's not.

MindatWork · 02/11/2021 09:56

Did you post about this in the run up to Christmas last year op? It sounds familiar...

Nyxs · 02/11/2021 09:57

@Korbah

Why is it nasty for him to have a conversation with his family? It’s nasty to stop using a chat that includes one person, and set up a new chat that includes everyone except that person.

Its really not.

You don't have to Include every person ever who has been in a previous group chat.

Group chats are set up for different reasons and different purposes. Being in one doesn't mean you would automatically be in another.v

Itsnotgreatlike · 02/11/2021 09:57

But you don't know that it's a new group chat. They could simultaneously have had a different group chat at the same time as the family group chat and have been using it all along. I have all sorts of groups like that. One that just has my sisters, one that just has my brother and one other sibling, one that has all my adult nieces, one that has brothers in law and sisters in law etc. Loads of them. We can be chatting in all sorts of groups more or less simultaneously. We're not cruelly leaving other people out, we're just tailoring each group to what is most relevant.

MordredsOrrery · 02/11/2021 09:58

Have you tried starting up a conversation in the family chat? What happens if you do?

At the moment I think YABU but if you've tried to start conversations and nobody responded then that's a different thing.

DH's family have multiple chat groups with various members, I'm in some and not others (and mostly mute the whole family one because it's just tedious). My family don't have any chat groups, we just call each other if we want to chat. Everyone's different.

Original poster

Korbah · 02/11/2021 09:59

I would be perfectly happy if I’d never been included in the group chat at all from the beginning. I’m upset because I was in the group chat for six years and now they’ve excluded me. By switching to a new group chat that includes everyone except me.

OP posts:

Charlene1971 · 02/11/2021 10:00

I'm confused. Is it just him and his immediate family (e.g. parents and siblings), or are his siblings partners in the group as well?

Need more info

Nyxs · 02/11/2021 10:01

@Korbah

So what's the issue?

You were in a group chat, you didn't want to be. That one stopped being used. Another one at some point has been set up and you are not in it. Which is fine because you didn't want to be in the first one.

Your mil maybe hard work, but you are too.

Polmuggle · 02/11/2021 10:02

We have a family chat just my brother, me and parents, which excludes sister in law. We have another one with her in but it's hardly used.

Is that nasty?

Yogity · 02/11/2021 10:02

I would wonder when the new group chat was set up - was it January after MIL fortnight of sorrow or was it October 2021 for example. I'd be less annoyed at the latter.

I do sympathise OP. My DM is one who loses the plot if her Christmas isn't an annual identikit affair and its a lot of pressure to maintain when it often doesn't suit. I would be upset that your DH didn't step up, at the very least in the aftermath.

I also somewhat wonder how you phrased your message declining the invite. Texts are easy to misread but it sounds like more than just MIL took exception if no one else in the group chat posted ever again.

Lasair · 02/11/2021 10:03

Yeah that’s unfair but also I can see your husband is in a hard position.

Notonthestairs · 02/11/2021 10:04

I think it's unpleasant to drop a group chat and then begin a new one W/o one person. It's pointed and deliberately meant to exclude the Op.

Over what exactly? Not wanting to come to Christmas? It's pathetic.

And I'm not sure why it's controlling to ask DH to let MIL know in good time and then do it when he doesn't.

I have multiple WhatsApp groups 1-2-1 (mainly birthday gift ideas) but we always have done - I'd never exclude any family member from group chats though.

Original poster

Korbah · 02/11/2021 10:04

The new one has been set up almost a year later!
Apparently it was set up last year shortly after they stopped posting in the old group chat. They’ve been using it for a year without my knowledge. I’ve seen them since and they all knew they had joined a new group chat behind my back, which included everyone except me, and nobody said anything.

OP posts:

Original poster

Korbah · 02/11/2021 10:06

But you don't know that it's a new group chat.
It’s a new chat with everyone who was on the original group chat except me. I don’t know what else you’d call it.

OP posts:

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