Nasty for them to exclude me?

[Korbah]

Last Christmas DH and I decided not to mix. I’m CEV and was due to be vaccinated in January, I didn’t want to risk my life at the last minute after I’d shielded for months. But his family were making plans including us, and I was worried it would get to the point where they’d say it’s too late to drop out, and I’d get pressured into it. DH said I’ll tell them but not right now... because he knew MIL would take a hissy fit and wanted to postpone it. I told DH I was finding it stressful and feeling like I was going to be pressured into something unsafe for my health, so he needed to tell them within 7 days or I’d tell them myself. He didn’t tell them - so I did. As nicely as possible.

MIL immediately left the group chat and blocked me. Apparently she cried for weeks because of not having her family Christmas. Nobody posted in the group chat ever again. I’ve seen MIL and the rest of DH’s family a couple of times since then and have chatted politely. So I figured MIL’s tantrum was forgotten.

Yesterday I saw DH texting in a new “Bloggs Family” chat. Looks like they’ve set up a new family chat with everyone except me. I got really annoyed and said it’s nasty to exclude me. DH said no no, it isn’t a new family chat... we were just texting each other. Well that is a new family chat then!

AIBU to just refuse to have anything to do with any of them ever again? They’ve purposely excluded me and I think it’s nasty, I don’t see how I’m supposed to see them and just ignore it.

@TheKeatingFive

They're allowed to set up a group without you. I don't see what's unreasonable about that.

Because other in-laws are included?

Because it's EXACTLY the same as the old one but without the OP?

@DelphiniumBlue

But Christmas was cancelled last year. No one was allowed to mix.

I thought this, why was MIL organising anything at all?!

Because other in-laws are included?

I didn't know that when I posted my comment, see exchange upthread.

@Bluntness100

I remember this from last year, and I remember your thread, the issue was in the way you told them, which caused the issue and you were told that at the time, I also seem to remember there was issues in how you communicated with his family causing issues,

To be honest I think if you’re the poster I remember I am not surprised they have done this.

I want to know more about what you said and how you said it

Anyway @Korbah how were they arranging Christmas? We were back in lockdown?

@rookiemere

This is a DH problem not a MIL one. I don't know the backstory but your DH should have your back and refuse to participate in a group that you've been excluded from.

I agree with this in part. ^ It IS a DH problem, but it's also a MIL/in-laws problem.

@Korbah Your husband should be defending you here, and calling his family out on their appalling, childish behaviour. You are a married couple, and a union, and he should be fighting in your corner.

I would be seriously upset and feel very let down if my DH's family ever behaved like this, and he had just sneaked off behind my back, created a group chat that included everyone but me, and had not been arsed to defend me. Mind you, from the childish histrionics your DH's mother displayed, he is probably scared to say anything to her. OMG, I do feel for you, being part of this awful family.

Do you have children?

It sounds like they've said "God Korbah is a right drama llama, let's ditch this group and make a new one without her".

Of course that's upsetting!!!!

@Nanny0gg

Anyway *@Korbah* how were they arranging Christmas? We were back in lockdown?

Some people were dicks and did what they wanted to anyway. There were big loud family gatherings on my street.

Honestly, I could not be with someone who's mother behaved in this way. I would've been gone as soon she had her first tantrum. It's just my one big no-no

OP did you go down your husband's phone to check how long the chat had been running and who was in it, or did you force him to show/tell you? I don't understand how you can know exactly who is in the chat and how long it's been going without doing either of those. Your DH should not need to do that....

Not everyone was in lockdown last Christmas

Okay OP, we need more info around ...

How do you know exactly who's in the group?

What does your DP have to say on the topic?

What did you actually say to MIL last Christmas?

Some people were dicks and did what they wanted to anyway. There were big loud family gatherings on my street.

And in some areas 3 families could gather on Christmas Day within the guidelines. We did. It was probably loud. We’re not dicks and nobody caught covid.

How do you know it was the same op @Bluntness100?

@TheKeatingFive

Because other in-laws are included?

I didn't know that when I posted my comment, see exchange upthread.

Fair enough, but that's why you need to gather facts before telling the OP that they're in the wrong. Sorry, js

Oh for gods sake. Get over it and get over yourself OP! It’s your husbands family. Step back. Let him have his group chat with his parents and siblings etc. You sound very ‘you’. Let your husband have something that isn’t ‘you’. It healthy you know. Jeez

but that's why you need to gather facts before telling the OP that they're in the wrong. Sorry, js

Who made you the thread police? I'll post what I like within guidelines

Anyway, awaiting answers from the OP.

So did you tell mil you weren't coming for Christmas on a group chat or on the phone in a proper conversation?
MIL rarely answers the phone, she’s funny like that. Even DH has given up trying to call her, he just texts. They all just text, they don’t call each other.

Last year I said to DH you need to tell the group chat we won’t be going at Xmas, and he agreed. But then he didn’t do it because he knew MIL would go nuclear. I got sick of him not doing it because it was stressing me out and making me feel pressured. So I did it myself. Actually what I said was I personally won’t be meeting anyone until I’m vaccinated because of being CEV with a lung condition and I was frightened of Covid.

@Vickles20

Oh for gods sake. Get over it and get over yourself OP! It’s your husbands family. Step back. Let him have his group chat with his parents and siblings etc. You sound very ‘you’. Let your husband have something that isn’t ‘you’. It healthy you know. Jeez

So you would be ok with your partners family making a brand new group chat that included in-laws, but left you out? 🙄

@TheKeatingFive

but that's why you need to gather facts before telling the OP that they're in the wrong. Sorry, js

Who made you the thread police? I'll post what I like within guidelines

Anyway, awaiting answers from the OP.

Nobody, but it's just a bit silly to give advice without having all necessary information, that's all 🤷‍♀️

@Korbah

So did you tell mil you weren't coming for Christmas on a group chat or on the phone in a proper conversation? MIL rarely answers the phone, she’s funny like that. Even DH has given up trying to call her, he just texts. They all just text, they don’t call each other.

Last year I said to DH you need to tell the group chat we won’t be going at Xmas, and he agreed. But then he didn’t do it because he knew MIL would go nuclear. I got sick of him not doing it because it was stressing me out and making me feel pressured. So I did it myself. Actually what I said was I personally won’t be meeting anyone until I’m vaccinated because of being CEV with a lung condition and I was frightened of Covid.

So, you didn't say it in a rude way or anything?

Anyway @Korbah how were they arranging Christmas? We were back in lockdown?
Three households were allowed to mix on Christmas Day. Support bubbles were classed as one household so that actually allowed quite a few people to mix. Do you not remember this?

So you didn't say something like " really sorry if it throws a spanner in the works but I've got to isolate. Will really miss seeing you"

You just threw in a " well I'm not meeting anyone"?

I can understand them being pissed off

Nobody, but it's just a bit silly to give advice without having all necessary information, that's all

All any of us can do is work with the info the OP has given. She wasn't clear on that point initially, but she then clarified.

What is most concerning here is that DH wouldn't or couldn’t tell his DM that you were shielding and so you both wouldn’t be going for Xmas. He should have done this immediately, why was he not able to. Why did he not have your back. Why was it left to you after giving him ultimatums tgat added to your stress. And how were you told and by who that your MIL cried for weeks ffs. Whoever told you that did not have your best interests at heart.

I would be more concerned about your DH than his family, he should have your back. Was this other chat on what’s app without you set up previously? If so it’s fine for him to chat with his family but if it was set up after the other one was stopped being used then perhaps a bit odd they didn’t just keep using the old one with you on. It depends if the old one was just set up to arrange Xmas. Often chats are set up just about one topic, a night out etc and then not reused. If it was THE family char then all very odd.

Your DH should be sticking up for you saying that you shouldn't be the only one left out as other partners are in. Ifs for hom to sort. The fact he won't speaks volumes.