Nasty for them to exclude me?

[Korbah]

Last Christmas DH and I decided not to mix. I’m CEV and was due to be vaccinated in January, I didn’t want to risk my life at the last minute after I’d shielded for months. But his family were making plans including us, and I was worried it would get to the point where they’d say it’s too late to drop out, and I’d get pressured into it. DH said I’ll tell them but not right now... because he knew MIL would take a hissy fit and wanted to postpone it. I told DH I was finding it stressful and feeling like I was going to be pressured into something unsafe for my health, so he needed to tell them within 7 days or I’d tell them myself. He didn’t tell them - so I did. As nicely as possible.

MIL immediately left the group chat and blocked me. Apparently she cried for weeks because of not having her family Christmas. Nobody posted in the group chat ever again. I’ve seen MIL and the rest of DH’s family a couple of times since then and have chatted politely. So I figured MIL’s tantrum was forgotten.

Yesterday I saw DH texting in a new “Bloggs Family” chat. Looks like they’ve set up a new family chat with everyone except me. I got really annoyed and said it’s nasty to exclude me. DH said no no, it isn’t a new family chat... we were just texting each other. Well that is a new family chat then!

AIBU to just refuse to have anything to do with any of them ever again? They’ve purposely excluded me and I think it’s nasty, I don’t see how I’m supposed to see them and just ignore it.

in what way did she go nuclear?
Left the chat and blocked me. Ripped down the Xmas decorations in her house and flung them everywhere. FIL tried to talk to her so she ran away screaming and crying down the street. FIL had to go out looking for her, he phoned DH because he couldn’t find her and was scared she was going to do something stupid.

Grow up..

Well I can kind of see why your husband was to scared to tell her now...

Too not to!

@Korbah

So, your siblings other partners have been added, but not you? DH’s siblings partners. Yes. Everyone was in the original group. Everyone except me is in the new group.

Oh I hadn’t realised partners had been included. That’s not on. I’m surprised your DH is happy to be in the group and didn’t say anything tbh

Ignore everyone who is spectacularly missing the point. It was nasty of them to exclude you and it was done on purpose. Who is the group admin? If it’s MIL then she purposely added all her children and their partners except you because you dared disobey your Christmas summons.

I don’t know what the solution is but I’m sorry your MIL is so horrible. Your DH is also a big problem here refusing to add you to the group in case it upsets irrational mummy

Sounds better being out of the group chat if she behaves like that ...

Can you set up a group chat excluding MIL and FIL so just siblings and partners? Might be a way to keep in with everyone but be tagged as a ‘kids’ group or would MIL go mental over that too?

I don't think YABU, you would be if it was just his actual family but if all other partners are included and you're literally the only one not, then yes of course it's nasty and deliberate. I think you're getting a hard time from people on this one OP

@Vickles20

Oh for gods sake. Get over it and get over yourself OP! It’s your husbands family. Step back. Let him have his group chat with his parents and siblings etc. You sound very ‘you’. Let your husband have something that isn’t ‘you’. It healthy you know. Jeez

Wow. You sound soooo lovely.

Ignore this post @Korbah

Could your DH have gone on his own?
Do you have kids?

@Thatsthewaytis

Ignore everyone who is spectacularly missing the point. It was nasty of them to exclude you and it was done on purpose. Who is the group admin? If it’s MIL then she purposely added all her children and their partners except you because you dared disobey your Christmas summons.

I don’t know what the solution is but I’m sorry your MIL is so horrible. Your DH is also a big problem here refusing to add you to the group in case it upsets irrational mummy

100% this. ^

Your MIL is a nightmare but your problem really is with your DH not being able to deal with her. To be fair, it sounds like her husband can't either. I think you're better off left out of her shenanigans and communicating with other family members individually. Although I imagine it won't be long before she tries to haul you back in to the situation she controls again.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

It is nasty to all leave one group including you and set up another excluding you. I think some people are deliberately misunderstanding.

So do I

We are all on a family whatsapp group

We also have separate group chats with each child but dh and i are still on those groups

Yes it was mean for them to all leave the group and set up a new one without you, but do you really want to be involved?
They’re all communicating regularly about their lives and I’m the only one who’s excluded. I didn’t receive the photos of my SIL’s graduation. Or my nephew’s first day at school. Or my niece’s exam results. Or the twins in their Halloween costumes for their school disco. DH showed me some photos and I thought they must have been sent to him directly, but it turns out they were put in the family chat so everyone saw them except me. I’m basically excluded from everything they share.

Thats shitty korbah

Honestly shitty

I’d be furious with my dh if this happened

@Korbah

Yes it was mean for them to all leave the group and set up a new one without you, but do you really want to be involved? They’re all communicating regularly about their lives and I’m the only one who’s excluded. I didn’t receive the photos of my SIL’s graduation. Or my nephew’s first day at school. Or my niece’s exam results. Or the twins in their Halloween costumes for their school disco. DH showed me some photos and I thought they must have been sent to him directly, but it turns out they were put in the family chat so everyone saw them except me. I’m basically excluded from everything they share.

This is really cruel and your DH is being incredibly unfair to exclude you. He needs to stand up for you. I’m sorry @Korbah

Not sure why everyone us having such a difficult time understanding what the OP is saying. Ots been clear from the first post . Honestly OP sounds like you're well rid. She sounds absolutely nuts. I wouldn't want to be part of their group chat after that, but the problem is them purposely excluding you and everyone, especially your dh keeping it from you.

You're not really engaging with the DH issue here OP.

Because we can all pile in and call MIL an hysterical cunt as much as you like (and from everything you've said, that's entirely fair) but the only person who can actually improve this situation for you is DH.

you need to lay down the law to your DH and for him to put you first

I've not rift just the OP's post and a few of the earlier replies in which I can only assume posters were being deliberately fucking obtuse because of course the MiL sounds manipulative and thats putting it politely. However, has anyone already said you dont have a MiL problem you have a DH problem? You are certainly well rid of them and out of the group chat thing, but why isn't DH standing up for his own family - i.e., - YOU op? When is that going to happen? What on earth does he think is going to occur this Christmas?!

Could your DH have gone on his own?
Last Christmas? He could if he wanted to. But he chose not to because he was scared he might bring Covid back to me. He was shielding as much as possible to keep me safe. He was also eligible for early vaccination to prevent him bringing Covid back to me.

("I've not RTFT" that should say.)

@Korbah I understand your hurt.

I had something similar ish with mine because I dared to do something different. Not the group chat scenario but I was basically banished. It took a while but eventually my DP seen it for what it was.

It's horrible. It's the fact knowing everyone is on board with treating you like shit that stings. Even if it's people you don't want to be around.

I don't have much advice we are only just coming out the other side and the tantrums have been epic. I just disengage and do me now. Open invite for stuff to do with the kids anything else they just don't get told about it.

It sucks but this isn't about you. Your DH has to have your back. That doesn't mean cutting them off but be prepared for even more shit if he stands up to them.

@FreeBritnee

How is it not exclusion? The OP has stated there was a family WhatsApp group that used to include her. She carefully excused herself from Christmas arrangements which resulted in the MIL flouncing off the group to cry for two weeks and OP states that group was never posted on again. Now there is a new family WhatsApp group that doesn’t include her. That’s the very definition of exclusion isn’t it?

I agree with this assessment. It's a deliberate exclusion and Op's husband is enabling this shitty behavior towards OP.

I don't understand how people can just let their toxic family members attact their spouse. You do not choose your blood-relatives, but you do choose your spouse. Surely spouses ought to have each other's backs?