Nasty for them to exclude me?

[Korbah]

Last Christmas DH and I decided not to mix. I’m CEV and was due to be vaccinated in January, I didn’t want to risk my life at the last minute after I’d shielded for months. But his family were making plans including us, and I was worried it would get to the point where they’d say it’s too late to drop out, and I’d get pressured into it. DH said I’ll tell them but not right now... because he knew MIL would take a hissy fit and wanted to postpone it. I told DH I was finding it stressful and feeling like I was going to be pressured into something unsafe for my health, so he needed to tell them within 7 days or I’d tell them myself. He didn’t tell them - so I did. As nicely as possible.

MIL immediately left the group chat and blocked me. Apparently she cried for weeks because of not having her family Christmas. Nobody posted in the group chat ever again. I’ve seen MIL and the rest of DH’s family a couple of times since then and have chatted politely. So I figured MIL’s tantrum was forgotten.

Yesterday I saw DH texting in a new “Bloggs Family” chat. Looks like they’ve set up a new family chat with everyone except me. I got really annoyed and said it’s nasty to exclude me. DH said no no, it isn’t a new family chat... we were just texting each other. Well that is a new family chat then!

AIBU to just refuse to have anything to do with any of them ever again? They’ve purposely excluded me and I think it’s nasty, I don’t see how I’m supposed to see them and just ignore it.

My husband is in family chats that I'm not included in but I don't feel I need to be.

I completely see where you're coming from.

What does your husband think of your mum's behaviour? I mean, her leaving if you were to be added. That's particularly teenage mean girl behaviour.

They're all acting like children.

And I say this as someone who isn't in the "family chat" for my husband's side by choice.

My dh has a family chat group as do I. We have them with our own family. It’s not a big issue plus see it as a bonus as you can stay out of any drama.

@TheKeatingFive

Nobody, but it's just a bit silly to give advice without having all necessary information, that's all

All any of us can do is work with the info the OP has given. She wasn't clear on that point initially, but she then clarified.

Fair enough!

OP did you go down your husband's phone to check how long the chat had been running and who was in it, or did you force him to show/tell you?
I asked him and he answered.

How do you know exactly who's in the group?
I asked him and he answered.

What did you actually say to MIL last Christmas?
I said sorry guys but because of being CEV with my lung condition I don’t feel safe to mix on Christmas Day, I’m really scared of Covid and planning to shield at home till I’ve been vaccinated. Apologies, hope we can meet up when it’s safe to do so, hope you all have a lovely time, disappointed but have to put my health first, etc.

I said sorry guys but because of being CEV with my lung condition I don’t feel safe to mix on Christmas Day, I’m really scared of Covid and planning to shield at home till I’ve been vaccinated. Apologies, hope we can meet up when it’s safe to do so, hope you all have a lovely time, disappointed but have to put my health first, etc.

Did anyone respond? Would you say you were rude to anyone? Not accusing, just asking!

So, you didn't say it in a rude way or anything?
I tried to be as polite and apologetic as possible. I can’t say how they took it. There were a couple of replies saying what a shame, I understand completely, stay safe. Then MIL went nuclear and nobody dared post anything else after that.

If you sent the message you described then they are being incredibly petty. Your DH is especially in the wrong.

This sounds like a rather large DH problem OP. Have you talked to him about this?

Your MIL also sounds terrible. Do you actually want to interact with her seeing the way she is acting towards you?

@Korbah

So, you didn't say it in a rude way or anything? I tried to be as polite and apologetic as possible. I can’t say how they took it. There were a couple of replies saying what a shame, I understand completely, stay safe. Then MIL went nuclear and nobody dared post anything else after that.

But no arguments afterwards between you and MIL?

I asked him and he answered.

And then what?

Did this strike him as strange? Did he offer any explanation?

What is most concerning here is that DH wouldn't or couldn’t tell his DM that you were shielding and so you both wouldn’t be going for Xmas. He should have done this immediately, why was he not able to.
Because he knew MIL would go nuclear and he wanted to postpone the hassle. He kept saying not today, I’ll do it tomorrow, I’ll do it on Monday, etc.

in what way did she go nuclear?

Did you post about it at the time OP?

@Korbah why are you ok with your DH being such a wet lettuce? Why is he happy for you to be excluded and why won't he stand up for you?

apparently she cried for weeks"
I doubt it.

But no arguments afterwards between you and MIL?
No because she left the family chat and blocked me. Then set up a new family chat including everyone except me. Which they’ve been using for a year without my knowledge. I’ve seen her in person at least twice since then and she’s been civil.

@LindaEllen

For everyone saying it's normal to have a group chat without partners - it is, but the point is they stopped posting in the old one and specifically made a new one without her in it. I think I'd be a bit upset at that, too.

Exactly! I'd be upset as well. However, not upset enough to never want to see them again.

OP, be the bigger person here. It's your DH's family so you can't just cut them out of your life. Be sweetness and light and make your MIL's childish behaviour last Christmas look really bad by comparison - don't stoop to her level!

Your MIL sounds manipulative and your husband sounds like a wimp.

Great combination.

Fuck the lot of them.

Apparently she cried for weeks because of not having her family Christmas.
She needs to get a grip and so does your DH!

0P from the info you've given your MIL is a bully and a control freak.

Problem is you don't have your DH's support and that would upset me hugely.

I think DH made you a scapegoat last Christmas. He wouldn't tell his mother you weren't coming so you had to and got the blame. If she is someone who goes 'nuclear' is he generally scared of her reactions and tries to placate her? I think you have a DH problem there.

Yes it was mean for them to all leave the group and set up a new one without you, but do you really want to be involved? I'd just keep contact with the ones you like/ get on with separately if I were you

And don't see the cunts this Christmas, either!

Yanbu.
Its incredibly petty and poor behaviour that they all went along with it.

Reading your posts though my overriding thought was Good grief! your "D"H is SUCH a spineless little worm.

To quote the old MN chestnut you have a DH problem....

Your DH problem is more significant than your MIL problem OP.

I get the sense you don't want to engage with that fact though.