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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my in laws visiting every month

472 replies

bravelittlepenguin · 01/11/2021 14:33

In laws don't live near us- it's about a 3.5 hours drive. We aren't close to them and we've had a few "run ins" over the years which means it can feel slightly awkward for me when they are around.

We've got two little children, one 20 months and the other a newborn.

They've been to visit the newborn last month. They stayed for three nights but not at our house but we saw them each day. They have now organised to come at the start of December (we couldn't find a November date that worked for us all) and will be staying with us for two nights. I told DH I was assuming this would be their Xmas visit too as we are hosting 12 people for Xmas day and have other family members and friends staying (including Brother in law) before and over Xmas. MIL has now just messages saying "can we also come and stay for a couple of nights perhaps 20th/21st December". I really don't want them to stay or visit twice in a month particularly so close to Xmas and with so many other things going on and two small children.

AIBU?

OP posts:
underneaththeash · 01/11/2021 14:36

Just reply that you're not able to do both and ask which dates would suit them best.

User310 · 01/11/2021 14:36

Well you haven’t given a lot of context but you do sound slightly unreasonable in that you struggle to see them even once a month when they are clearly making the effort to maintain a relationship.

HappySantasaurus · 01/11/2021 14:37

I don't think its unreasonable that they'd want to visit again nearer to Christmas day at all. I do think you can reasonably say they will need to stay at a hotel/b&b as there's a lot going on.

Sally872 · 01/11/2021 14:39

I think most people see both sets of parents Christmas week.

Not unreasonable not to want to see them every month generally though. They are not unreasonable to want to see you monthly though. As not staying at your house I would just make other plans. See them for an hour or two but leave most of visit to dh and dc.

Original poster
bravelittlepenguin · 01/11/2021 14:41

@User310

Well you haven’t given a lot of context but you do sound slightly unreasonable in that you struggle to see them even once a month when they are clearly making the effort to maintain a relationship.
I suggested several dates in November that would work for us but they didn't work for them so that's why we ended up with the beginning of December.

But you're right that I don't really want to see them every month for a few days. It would obviously be different if they lived nearby so we could see them casually for a meal or an afternoon but they seem to only want to come for several days which leaves me having to plan my days around them and activities for them or that include them.

OP posts:
DGFB · 01/11/2021 14:41

It’s not unreasonable for them to want to see the children close to Christmas.
Sorry but you sound the unreasonable one here

freelions · 01/11/2021 14:42

I can understand that during normal run of events you wouldn't want 2 visits so close together but can also see from their point of view they would like to see you nearer to Christmas

If 20/21 December is going to be a pain for you then could you arrange to see them between Xmas & New Year?

DGFB · 01/11/2021 14:42

I also don’t think then coming once a month or so for a few days is an issue! I’d be upset if my daughter in law did this to us. They live miles away, what do you expect them to do?

Original poster
bravelittlepenguin · 01/11/2021 14:42

@DGFB

It’s not unreasonable for them to want to see the children close to Christmas. Sorry but you sound the unreasonable one here
So do I have to host them for two days when I'm also hosting 12 people over Xmas just because they want to see the children?
OP posts:
Original poster
bravelittlepenguin · 01/11/2021 14:43

@DGFB

I also don’t think then coming once a month or so for a few days is an issue! I’d be upset if my daughter in law did this to us. They live miles away, what do you expect them to do?
Perhaps they could just come for one night which would allow us to see them for an afternoon rather than every day for several days.
OP posts:
Moonshine11 · 01/11/2021 14:44

Wanting to see their DS and grandchildren once a month isn't asking for a lot tbh.
I opened this thinking they were coming every day

HappySantasaurus · 01/11/2021 14:45

Would you consider a visit to them if you would prefer not to host? They are your children's grandparents and your husband's parents. I can't imagine how hurt I'd be if in years to come my child told me her partner didn't want me to see them over Christmas. It's hardly every week and it is a special time of year.

Moonshine11 · 01/11/2021 14:45

@Moonshine11

Wanting to see their DS and grandchildren once a month isn't asking for a lot tbh. I opened this thinking they were coming every day
Even though your title says a month 😂 I'm tired
Sally872 · 01/11/2021 14:45

You don't have to do anything but your dh may want to. Also your children may want a relationship with them. Unless they are awful people it is nice they want to see children.

shouldistop · 01/11/2021 14:46

Does your husband do the hosting? He should take time off, make up the beds, cook the meals and do the entertaining. Especially as you have a newborn.

GerardWay123 · 01/11/2021 14:46

What does your DH feel about the situation?

Allsorts1 · 01/11/2021 14:47

Having to see in laws or indeed my own parents for a full long weekend every month is heaps - I feel like PPs aren’t taking into account that you’re not just having one lunch/afternoon a month, you effectively have house guests for a few days and feel that you have to entertain, so I can see how it would be a strain and this would stress me out too. On the bright side, at least they are happy to stay nearby rather than actually with you! Maybe you can take advantage of them being here and get babysitting and a chance to go out on a date etc, rather than always feel that you have to host them? If twice so close together is too much, I agree that you should just say run up to Christmas is pretty hectic, you’d love to see them but can either do the earlier weekend or the weekend closer to Christmas - if they could let you know which one of those works best for them.

Original poster
bravelittlepenguin · 01/11/2021 14:47

@shouldistop

Does your husband do the hosting? He should take time off, make up the beds, cook the meals and do the entertaining. Especially as you have a newborn.
To be fair to him he would do the cooking and making up of beds etc if I make it clear that's his responsibility. He wouldn't be able to take time off as he's hardly got any left so is having to save it up to take close to Xmas and new year
OP posts:
Spoonio · 01/11/2021 14:48

Tell them that they're welcome to stay for 1 night.

1 night is do-able. I hate having overnight guests any longer than that too.

freelions · 01/11/2021 14:48

So do I have to host them for two days when I'm also hosting 12 people over Xmas just because they want to see the children?

You don't necessarily have to host them for 2 nights but it would be unreasonable imho (unless there is a back story) not to make the effort to see both sets of grandparents at some point during the festive period

Would you visit them instead of them coming to you?

Acheyknees · 01/11/2021 14:48

I'm with you OP, I wouldn't want them staying in November and then again twice in December especially as you are hosting for 12! You have a new baby too! That's far too much.

MouseRoar · 01/11/2021 14:49

make your dh host them. Unless the run ins you have had involve really bad behaviour on their part you do sound unreasonable, and I can understand them wanting to see their grandchildren. Is there another way to do it? You go to them for example? Or is there somewhere else they can stay other than in your house?

Ragruggers · 01/11/2021 14:50

Why are you hosting all these people with a toddler and a newborn? Does your DH cook and clean for all these people.You can say no to them all if that is what you want.Sounds horrendous.

Original poster
bravelittlepenguin · 01/11/2021 14:50

@Sally872

You don't have to do anything but your dh may want to. Also your children may want a relationship with them. Unless they are awful people it is nice they want to see children.
I'm more than happy for there to be a relationship in fact I've been encouraging it because i think it's the right thing to do. My DH isn't great at organising family get togethers and things so I've been the one being more proactive encouraging him to organise things with his family. I've done this even though it's not comfortable for me. They've really hurt me over the years and I don't find them particularly easy company.
OP posts:
LakeShoreD · 01/11/2021 14:51

Unless there’s a massive back to story I do think you are being a bit unreasonable. Last time they didn’t even stay with you and it’s completely normal to see both sets of family around Christmas time. I think it’s a bit sad for your DH and children that you’re trying to stop this visit. Just don’t ‘host’. Let your DH do the work, stick to your own schedule, let your DH hang out with them and you can slot in for one meal/activity a day depending on when you’re available.

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