To not want my in laws visiting every month

[bravelittlepenguin]

In laws don't live near us- it's about a 3.5 hours drive. We aren't close to them and we've had a few "run ins" over the years which means it can feel slightly awkward for me when they are around.

We've got two little children, one 20 months and the other a newborn.

They've been to visit the newborn last month. They stayed for three nights but not at our house but we saw them each day. They have now organised to come at the start of December (we couldn't find a November date that worked for us all) and will be staying with us for two nights. I told DH I was assuming this would be their Xmas visit too as we are hosting 12 people for Xmas day and have other family members and friends staying (including Brother in law) before and over Xmas. MIL has now just messages saying "can we also come and stay for a couple of nights perhaps 20th/21st December". I really don't want them to stay or visit twice in a month particularly so close to Xmas and with so many other things going on and two small children.

AIBU?

@bravelittlepenguin
Are you overthinking this?

I think you can agree to them staying before Christmas without setting a precedent that they'll stay every time.

Just go back to the usual arrangements in the new year and don't set expectations otherwise.

I should also probably add that when we planned the December trip i asked DH to make sure they weren't expecting a second trip in December. When we saw them a few weeks ago I tried to make plans with them over Xmas for the "Xmas trip" but because they can't cope with direct conversations they didn't confirm anything with me and wouldn't engage in the conversation. It was very vague like "oh yes sure that would be nice". They've then separately organised the date on December with DH and I asked him to confirm with them that this was their Xmas trip as I said i had tried to organise it with his mum but she hadn't wanted to discuss it with me and he said he assumed that was the case. But the message today makes it clear that hadn't been clear to them. It's just an example of why I find them hard work- they won't discuss things directly or make firm plans it's all "oh whatever is easiest for you" when in fact that's not what they mean.

[quote TaraR2020]@bravelittlepenguin
Are you overthinking this?

I think you can agree to them staying before Christmas without setting a precedent that they'll stay every time.

Just go back to the usual arrangements in the new year and don't set expectations otherwise.[/quote]
Probably 😂🤦‍♀️. I have a habit of overthinking things admittedly

It's tricky OP. I think that if you're not seeing one set of grandparents on Christmas day, you would usually see them close to Christmas (closer than early Dec). But I also see that two visits two weeks apart seems like a lot to you when you are busy in Dec and have little ones. A November date would have been better, but it's no one's fault that couldn't be arranged. Tricky.

I think maybe bite the bullet this time (if they stay in a hotel rather than at yours), then revert to a visit once every couple of months for the rest of the year.

Sorry OP but I think YABU. They're trying to visit without imposing on you too much by staying elsewhere but then you insist they stay with you...now they have to or they seem rude.

You also suggest that you didn't expect every two weeks , but I think a visit before Christmas to see their GC is not setting a precedence for regularly fortnightly visits and to be expected...it would almost be weird if they didn't try to visit.

You say you want to build more of a relationship with them and their GC, but then also say that you find them harder to be around than your own family. Fair enough but how do you expect them to settle in and feel more like family and it feel less like "hosting " for you if you try and restrict them visiting at Christmas?

I thought I would be on your side as I can't stand when PILs are over imposing, but I feel sorry for your PIL as it seems whatever they do would be wrong (not often enough, don't care about GC. Too often, imposing. Not staying with you, aloof. Staying with you, imposing)

Another who thinks YABU.

You accuse them of being passive aggressive, but it sounds as though they are bending over backwards to not intrude by staying in hotels and not expect meals. They sound like they can't win.

This ^
It seems they are making a lot of effort - doing all the traveling and forking out to stay in a hotel and to not impose upon you, and then you are somehow making out that them is being aloof. It seems to me that they are not going to win whatever they do.

If they didn't travel all that way and come to see their dgd, then I suspect you would think they were in the wrong for that as well.
No, hosting isn't easy, but they tried to avoid putting that pressure on you by staying somewhere else. Then you criticised them for that.
It isn't unreasonable at all for your dh's parents to want to see him and his dc at some point around Christmas - it sounds like they are doing their best not to impose at all, whilst trying to maintain a relationship with their ds and dgc.

I know it's hard but I always think it's worth the effort to keep up family relationships. Sometimes you just need to suck it up (unless they're truly awful humans).

@bravelittlepenguin Well in that case, I think you can make an exception for Christmas and go back to usual in the new year. Stop stressing yourself out with what-ifs you've created for yourself.

YABU about them coming once a month - but if it's that much of a strain then change it to 6 weeks or 8 weeks.

YABVU about judging their length of stay - of course they will have to have a few nights when such a long journey is involved. And your moaning about having to plan your day around them is just pathetic.
3 days 2 nights are incredibly reasonable of them. that's the absolute minimum I'd expect in a similar situation.

YABU for not asking them about their plans before you decided to host 12 people.
You are ok seeing PILs during the year so that suggests you are in a good enough relationship (ie none of the NC, abusive etc stuff) so why not be courteous and why make them feel like they don't matter?
It sounds quite vindictive and passive aggressive of you. yuck.

YABU not wanting to allow them to visit so near Christmas. That's just nasty.

YANBU about not wanting them to stay with you - but that shouldn't be a problem, they can stay in a hotel.

I think you should suck it up and do the decent thing and invite them for Christmas Day, staying elsewhere, maybe a quick afternoon tea on Boxing Day.
12 or 14 people - not that much of a difference. Trust me, I know.
You might have to lower standards, improvise & get creative but it shouldn't be a problem if people are willing.

They sound horrid and their tantrums before the wedding meant there was a cloud cast over the wedding for you, which is unforgivable where you didn't know if there'd be a repeat performance or not.
You Re going to have to Speak up about e verything. Be honest about what happens. I'm aghast that you haw 12 people over Xmas. Will you have any time with your DCs? If ILs are retired suggest a couple of days that does suit you. But hosting and cooking and cleaning for guests is the last thing I wanted to do with a new baby.

OP,

You need to get your head straight because it is all over the place.

Your in laws sound really awful.
Yet you are sticking your nose into your husbands relationship with them.
Why would you do that?

No way would I want someone staying once a month.
Why would you ask them to stay in the house with you?
Batshit behaviour.
Your husband doesn't do enough when they are visiting.
You definitely should NOT be cancelling any baby classes.

Tell your husband to sort it out or you will be visiting your family and leaving him to it.

They have treated you badly and you need to stand up for yourself and say clearly what you want.

Crying and shouting in laws is not what your children need.

That you have any contact with them after spoiling your wedding day is amazing.

Decide what suits you and say it plainly.

If the start shouting or crying, block them.

How often do you see your own parents?

I wouldn't be hosting anyone with such a small baby, I'd say you are welcome to call (if you actually want them to) but I wouldn't have them staying over. It would be different if you got on with them and wanted them there but by the sounds of it you don't.

I think those saying the OP is unkind or unreasonable have simply never experienced the discomfort that can come with ILs when they don't like/respect/care (delete as appropriate) about their DIL. When the DIL just wants to 'act normally' (like her own loving family do), she often ends up regretting invitations especially when all she wants is to keep the peace and have that reciprocated.
(Sorry if I'm projecting OP)

How about texting:

Hi PIL,
DH tells me you’d like to visit on date and date which sound like a lovely idea. Unfortunately, however, with Christmas, our diaries are pretty full and can only accommodate one of the visits during December. Either date is fine for us so I’ll leave it up to you. We can then work around that.
Can you let me know tomorrow?
Much love xx

I agree it would be too much for me, OP, and I have a lot of sympathy for you. However, it sounds like you are trying to make this relationship into something like you have with your family. It's a losing battle and it's not really up to you. If anyone needs to take the lead here, it should be your DH. Step back with this and I hope this will also help you feel less stressed about it all.

Reading this through it does sound as if you are tough on them, in part because they're so unlike your own fun, straightforward family. It's just not very nice to expect that grandparents visiting at the beginning of December should see that as their Christmas visit. They sound like they're making an effort & want a good relationship with their family but find you as difficult as you find them.

I’m with you - yanbu. That’s all a bit much, 2 lots of 2 day stays, 12 people for Xmas, two little ones including a newborn. I don’t see why you owe this to them especially if they aren’t nice to you.
I really don’t get it when loads of people on MN think grandparents have a right to visit you frequently to see your kids, including a right to stay at your home and be entertained and fed. Even if you don’t like each other much. It’s a lot of extra work for you when you’re already exhausted from looking after a newborn.

Yes yabu. The Christmas visit is a one off so suck it up. That’s their child’s home too.

Be very careful- if you have a son, his future wife may not want to see YOU!
When the boot is on the other foot, it isn’t as nice.
Of course they want to see their son and grandchildren-
As in time, you will.

I've no real advice about what to do at Christmas, but from then on, can you drop the rope, stop thinking about what you think you should be doing and hand the responsibility to DH? So they can sort out visits/activities/cooking/making beds etc etc between them and you stick to your normal routine. I suspect if you step back from facilitating, you'll see a lot less of them. It doesn't feel like you benefit from their company and it isn't your responsibility to arrange contact with them.

Just say no to them

Having read the update that you told them to stay with you rather than else where, I not don't think you BU, I think your BVU!

You gave them the olive branch but not don't want them to take it! This is why I remind my children not to offer to give things to their friends. They often regret it.

I think you should be much less involved, OP. So say sure they can come, but you have things planned, don't change your plans even if that is simply to meet a friend or go to a class. And point out that it's quite near Christmas and you'll have a lot to do in preparation, so you won't have time to entertain them, or 'host' them as you put it. If DH expects that level of involvement, then he will need to take some time off to facilitate it.

@FictionalCharacter

I’m with you - yanbu. That’s all a bit much, 2 lots of 2 day stays, 12 people for Xmas, two little ones including a newborn. I don’t see why you owe this to them especially if they aren’t nice to you. I really don’t get it when loads of people on MN think grandparents have a right to visit you frequently to see your kids, including a right to stay at your home and be entertained and fed. Even if you don’t like each other much. It’s a lot of extra work for you when you’re already exhausted from looking after a newborn.

Except they were quite happy to stay elsewhere but @bravelittlepenguin thought this was odd and said they really should stay with her like her family do.

Funny you say they don’t say what they mean.

You invited them up come stay with you. Turns out you didn’t mean it.

Fwiw, your family dynamics sound like a nightmare to me- fighting, getting drunk, etc.

I’m guessing you’ve been married a few years now if you’ve two DCs? Accept them for who they are and let go of the wedding offence thing. I doubt your MIL was crying to offend you.