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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want my in laws visiting every month

472 replies

bravelittlepenguin · 01/11/2021 14:33

In laws don't live near us- it's about a 3.5 hours drive. We aren't close to them and we've had a few "run ins" over the years which means it can feel slightly awkward for me when they are around.

We've got two little children, one 20 months and the other a newborn.

They've been to visit the newborn last month. They stayed for three nights but not at our house but we saw them each day. They have now organised to come at the start of December (we couldn't find a November date that worked for us all) and will be staying with us for two nights. I told DH I was assuming this would be their Xmas visit too as we are hosting 12 people for Xmas day and have other family members and friends staying (including Brother in law) before and over Xmas. MIL has now just messages saying "can we also come and stay for a couple of nights perhaps 20th/21st December". I really don't want them to stay or visit twice in a month particularly so close to Xmas and with so many other things going on and two small children.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Feelingoktoday · 03/11/2021 10:12

There has been Criticism from some posters that the OPs ILs communicate with their son and not the DIL.

Yet other posters are saying that ILs should not use the DIl as their social secretary and need to communicate with their son.

So what is it? Do ILs communicate with their son or should all social events be put through the DIL first.

My sons are only young. At least I now know they will have no say when they have a partner.

Colin56 · 03/11/2021 10:31

@Feelingoktoday
My sons are only young. At least I now know they will have no say when they have a partner
If you employ black & white/ all or nothing thinking like above you will probably be rewarded by a daughter in law that advocates for herself.

DottyHarmer · 03/11/2021 10:34

Yes, I don’t get it when dils call the shots about if and when their dh’s see their parents. If Dh had told me I couldn’t see my family….. well, he just wouldn’t!

I had the type of Pil who never lifted a finger, so I fully appreciate the irritation of in-laws who are not like your own family, but still I think it does not sit well to act as a mean gatekeeper, especially at Christmas.

And the OP’s Pil sound, frankly, as if they are tip-toeing around OP, afraid to do the wrong thing and dithering trying to not give the wrong answer.

Hadtocomment · 03/11/2021 11:02

Since when has it been the norm for people to stay for several nights 12 times a year? That's a huge amount of visits. I love my own parents deeply and see them a lot because they live near but setting up a routine like that would do us both in. It's very different having a meeting or a social visit and seeing people non_stop for days at a time every month. It seems to me that the person suggesting meeting halfway sometimes for a day out had a good idea. That way things can be nice and not get too exhausting. People on here are acting very owed. Perhaps visitors need to cart out and about more. If the pics stay for a few days maybe the op needs to make it clearer that she can see them for a certain amount but that if they are staying several days that have to entertain themselves for some of the time. I don't quite understand. If parents want to be very enmeshed with grandparents and vice versa that's up to them. But normally they would live close by and visits more casual surely? If a young family wants a bit more space that's also surely up to them? If the op was cutting them off or not seeing them at all that might be cruel but to say not having people come once a month for several days is cruel is just extreme in my view. Those trying to paint the op as a mean dil seem very self-centred. She is already seeing the in-laws loads. To be fair to the in-laws they seem to be asking rather than demanding so surely they just need to be replied to straightforwardly and if they are funny about it then it might be not right of them. But open communication from op and her partner maybe what's needed. Even with the visits - one night is fine but we can't do more than that so regularly. Or something. What exactly is she doing wrong? She wants one Dec visit rather than two. Totally fair. Just say so op. You said you hosted them last Christmas so stick to alternating. You sound pretty nice to me.

Susysue10 · 03/11/2021 11:05

@tara66

I'm with you OP. Why do you have to have PIL to stay? For the benefit of their relationship with the children in the future? But what is the point of that when you don't like them, find them odd and offensive re your wedding etc? Be more casual and off hand and don't get buttonholed into any arrangements you don't want. Don't make plans just to be polite. Tell the all their visits perhaps make life rather complicated for them (or you?) and just leave a remark like that ''hanging''. Let DH visit them himself if he wishes to - but anyway there is the excuse that they are so far away. Xmas is rather over rated and mostly a lot of commercialised tat these days anyway.

Tara66, with attitudes like yours and the OP, not much wonder there are huge divides in families!!! After the past 18 months of fear and turmoil, family members should be appreciated, welcomed and included. There appears to be far too many on here who wish to exclude PIL. I no longer have either parents or PIL as they are sadly dead. Welcome them with open arms, they will not always be here to do so. Grandparents are to be treasured

SallyWD · 03/11/2021 11:48

I agree with others that sometimes meeting them halfway for a day out seems good. Also why don't you you stay with them occasionally? Then you can really put your feet up and they probably don't enjoy doing the long journey every month.

FiGiGi · 03/11/2021 11:57

Hi there. I’m older than you and always struggled with my parents in law too but my husband was adamant that we saw them regularly. I’m not going to say it wasn’t difficult as I had many run ins with my MIL but now that they’re in their late 80’s and I look back I’m glad we did. My kids have a relationship with them and whilst it wasn't easy I think I’d feel tremendously guilty now if we hadn’t made that effort. I’d say go with it and try to embrace the relationship if you can. You have to have a relationship with them and the better it is the better for you and your kids x

SockFluffInTheBath · 03/11/2021 12:17

@Feelingoktoday

Those of you saying that seeing the ILs once a month for two days is too much, how often do you see your mum and dad?

I have two sons. Am I only going to be able to see my grandchildren two days a month? Seems cruel to me.

Well that depends how close you live. If you’re local enough to pop in then I’d imagine you’d see them quite frequently for relatively short amounts of time. However, if you live so far away that you need to stay overnight then clearly you’re likely to see them less often- and would you really expect to take over the family’s entire weekend? Do you currently devote more than a cruel and measly 2 days per month to each family member who wants it?

thing47 · 03/11/2021 12:21

@nonevernotever

I'm with mrsm43s too. I would be very bright and breezy , show them where everything is, lend them a set of keys for the visit and carry on with all my normal activities. If needed I would also be making comments about how nice that you don't need to treat family like guests but can just crack on.

Definitely this. I don't think the amount the GPs want to visit is unreasonable, but you need to get out of the mindset of 'hosting', OP and carry on with your normal lifestyle. They have to fit in around that. Just say 'of course you're welcome it would be lovely to see you but just to warn you I have a baby class on the 20th and then I have arranged to meet x so you'll need to sort out your own lunch. And on 21st I have to do a big shop in preparation for guests at Christmas' or whatever else you have planned.

Make it clear that you have 2 small children to look after and a house to run, so if they choose to visit when DH is at work, you are not going to have the time to 'host' them, cook for them or otherwise arrange their entertainment.

PottererCrouch · 03/11/2021 12:27

I can't understand the replies on this thread tbh. Of course OP isn't being unreasonable, since when did everyone on MN have the same people come to stay every month?!

OP, my idea of pure hell would be having my IL's to stay every month. It's far too frequent and totally unnecessary. I would let them stay in a hotel and say for every third visit they can stay with you for a few days, so hopefully it wouldn't be anymore than 4 times a year.

I think you'll probably have to suck Christmas up, but I would make it clear that whilst you are grateful they want to build relationships with your DC and appreciative of the fact they want to see their son, monthly stays just aren't convenient for you, it'd be great if they could come and stay 3-4 times a year but at other times, staying in a hotel would be preferable to ensure you all don't get sick of one another. You can say it in a kind/ light-hearted way!

Coffeepot72 · 03/11/2021 12:30

*Many people aren't reading your OP or actual posts

You asked if yabu to not want monthly visits from PIL. What you meant wasn't that you don't want to see them monthly (an afternoon visit would be great) but that you don't want to host snd entertain them all day every for 3 full days, every 4th weekend. And they've invited themselves back to stay a second time in Dec for couple days before Xmas when you'll already be too busy to host them again .

It sounds like even when they stay elsewhere PILs turn up all day for 3 days and expect entertaining do your & DCs lives go on hold . That's too much. You really have to manage their expectations and visit behaviour. Keep your diary going, don't be a hotel. *
…………………..

This ^. There is a huge difference between someone popping in for a few hours, rather than staying a few days!

phoenixrosehere · 03/11/2021 13:40

*There has been Criticism from some posters that the OPs ILs communicate with their son and not the DIL.

Yet other posters are saying that ILs should not use the DIl as their social secretary and need to communicate with their son.

So what is it? Do ILs communicate with their son or should all social events be put through the DIL first.

My sons are only young. At least I now know they will have no say when they have a partner.*

The dramatics again from mothers of sons. I only have sons but definitely not worried as some of you seem to be nor see why. If this is how you think things are going to be and already on the defence, you’re going to get what you are so afraid of.

This is not OP sending birthday cards or gifts to her in-laws because her DH can’t be arsed this is OP asking her in-laws about their Christmas plans since it is her and her DH’s home they would be staying in. It’s not hard to see how that is different to being secretary.

LittleMysSister · 03/11/2021 13:58

@bravelittlepenguin OP if your husband agrees, why don't you pull out of the early December visit? Then they just come at Christmas and that's it.

Larryyourwaiter · 03/11/2021 14:04

Visits with my PIL were awkward partially because it was something they had never done. No one in their family moved away until DH did. They also weren’t used to having people staying in their house as everyone they knew was local.

Blossomtoes · 03/11/2021 14:16

This ^. There is a huge difference between someone popping in for a few hours, rather than staying a few days!

Of course there is but it’s unreasonable to expect people to travel 3.5 hours and go back the same day. That sort of distance makes a few hours impossible.

LittleMysSister · 03/11/2021 14:42

@Blossomtoes

This ^. There is a huge difference between someone popping in for a few hours, rather than staying a few days!

Of course there is but it’s unreasonable to expect people to travel 3.5 hours and go back the same day. That sort of distance makes a few hours impossible.

Also they wanted to stay in a hotel but OP wanted them to stay in her home and that's how they've ended up doing that?

I'd farm them back out to a hotel under some excuse, I'm sure they'd be happy with that.

ArchibaldsDaddy · 03/11/2021 16:34

You are SO not being unreasonable…being subjected to an unwanted in-law infestation should not be something you have to endure at any time.

Clearly, be diplomatic…but firm. You shouldn’t feel awkward about who you see or don’t.

PinkSyCo · 03/11/2021 17:45

Bloody hell OP talk about making things hard for yourself! You have a newborn and a still breastfeeding toddler yet are hosting 12 for Christmas! You insisted on having your in-laws stay at yours although they were happy to stay in a hotel. You won’t ask your DH for help with cooking etc even though you say he would oblige if asked. You won’t leave your guests for even one hour so that you can go to baby class. I’ll bet you won’t even let them make their own cup of tea or help with the washing up will you? You come across as a bit of a martyr to be honest.

CookPassBabtridge · 03/11/2021 18:05

It's so funny how peoples perspective of too much and not enough is.
Staying for a few days every month is a HUGE amount of time to me. My inlaws do it once a year and it's too much
Short and sweet visits are the best.

Squeezita · 03/11/2021 18:06

It’s bloody rude to invite yourself twice in 30 days.

Wait to be asked FFS.

OP, go back to them staying elaewhere.

Barmychick · 03/11/2021 18:38

Sounds too much with a new born! Go with your gut feeling maybe stick with your original plan. Good luck.

Egie · 03/11/2021 20:52

why host 12 friends for Christmas. surely host friends pre or post Christmas. family should come first at Christmas especially. glad u r not my d.i.law

Squeezita · 03/11/2021 20:59

@Egie do you also invite yourself to stay for days twice in 30 days? Your poor DIL.

Blossomtoes · 03/11/2021 22:28

[quote Squeezita]@Egie do you also invite yourself to stay for days twice in 30 days? Your poor DIL.[/quote]
Maybe her Dil likes her. It’s not obligatory to detest your mil.

anxiouscrazymum · 03/11/2021 22:39

Just let them come and stay!! Stop being so awkward!! Love how having 12 of your family over is not an issue!! I bet you would still moan about them if they didn't ask to see you!!

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