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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my in laws visiting every month

472 replies

bravelittlepenguin · 01/11/2021 14:33

In laws don't live near us- it's about a 3.5 hours drive. We aren't close to them and we've had a few "run ins" over the years which means it can feel slightly awkward for me when they are around.

We've got two little children, one 20 months and the other a newborn.

They've been to visit the newborn last month. They stayed for three nights but not at our house but we saw them each day. They have now organised to come at the start of December (we couldn't find a November date that worked for us all) and will be staying with us for two nights. I told DH I was assuming this would be their Xmas visit too as we are hosting 12 people for Xmas day and have other family members and friends staying (including Brother in law) before and over Xmas. MIL has now just messages saying "can we also come and stay for a couple of nights perhaps 20th/21st December". I really don't want them to stay or visit twice in a month particularly so close to Xmas and with so many other things going on and two small children.

AIBU?

OP posts:
ouchmyfeet · 01/11/2021 15:08

@LadyJaye

Given that December is generally a very full-on month for most people, I think you would be being perfectly reasonable to say 'one or the other, but not both'.

Hosting 12 people with two very small children sounds very full-on! Good luck. Smile

Absolutely this. I think they can pick one visit. People forget how much time and energy goes into hosting guests (even family) and with 2 young kids you don't have time or energy to spare

FWIW I used to be in the same position OP. We used to live day trip distance from my PILs but moved so it became a 3 hour drive. They refuse to come for less than a 3 night stay because the drive is so exhausting Hmm. When I had a newborn my DH invited them to stay for FIVE WHOLE NIGHTS which almost did me in. Not being able to relax in my home when breastfeeding and trying to recover from a difficult birth, whilst also having to provide proper meals and polite conversation was awful. I was shattered and they are not the helpful type who muck in and help out, expecting to be waited on with countless cups of coffee and a proper meal at lunchtime. At that point (just after we moved) they kept trying to arrange another 3 night stay every 3 weeks and I couldn't hack it. You need to get your DH to deal with them. Mine is shit at hosting so he doesn't get to decide how often we have guests, parents or not. If he cleaned the bathroom, washed the bedding or cooked a meal occasionally it would be different, but he doesn't, so instead he got the job of telling his parents they couldn't visit so often. I was always willing to travel to them but he didn't want to do that either so we just didn't see his parents so much. Over a year or so we settled into a pattern of once every 2-3 months. Have to say the last 18m, only having them stay once has been absolutely bloody fabulous. I do think he sets a pretty poor example for the kids though, I'd be quite upset if my kids didn't want to see me regularly when they're older, and weren't prepared to muck in with the work of hosting me.

mrsm43s · 01/11/2021 15:08

even if DH does some of the practical work it's always me thinking of meals and activities and managing people visiting and as I'm on maternity leave it will be me who will be in the house with them and having to change my plans (baby classes etc) for them being here

They've come to see you and spend time with your family!
No need to "think of meals", I'm sure they will be happy to fit in with family life and eat whatever you were planning to eat anyway.
No need to "think of activities" - they've come to see you, and their activity is spending time with their son and grandchildren.
No need to "manage people visiting" (I don't even know what that means, but they've literally come to see you and your family doing what you normally do - no "managing" needed)
No need to "change your plans" - they can come with you to e.g. baby classes, or stay at home and babysit your eldest, or they can go and do their own thing whilst you are busy.

I think you are overthinking this. They have come to see you and your family in your home. No need to plan activities or entertain them! Just carry on with your normal life whilst they are there! They might even be happy to help out with some babysitting to give you and DH a break!

Dutch1e · 01/11/2021 15:09

I can see how it feels a but much. Still, there's some mixed messages if you're encouraging a relationship and saying they should stay in your house next time (rather than elsewhere) then on the other hand not wanting to come twice in the month.

I'd likely cancel the early December visit in favour of the almost-Christmas dates and in the new year have a think about what you're comfortable with so you can be a bit more clear all round.

And yes, defo let DH know he is in charge of food/beds/plans for his parents, even if he can't get the time off.

Penners99 · 01/11/2021 15:09

No, is a complete sentence. Embrace it!

Alwaystheplusone · 01/11/2021 15:12

YANBU. Your life is full on looking after two small children. Having people stay over is bloody hard work.

ouchmyfeet · 01/11/2021 15:13

Having read your updates I wonder if you are my SIL and we married into the same family Confused

Disfordarkchocolate · 01/11/2021 15:13

Seeing them once a month - reasonable.

Having to host them as overnight guests every month - unreasonable.

Having overnight guests 2 or 3 times shortly after giving birth - extremely unreasonable.

I'm with you @bravelittlepenguin

Sceptre86 · 01/11/2021 15:15

You've made a rod for your own back. Why on earth did you offer for them to come and stay of you didn't mean it or want them to? Obviously each time they come to stay it would mean you having to change your activities re baby classes around unless you feel comfortable enough to leave them alone in your home for the 40 minutes or hour a class takes or offer for them to go with you. I would still go to my class tbh, you won't be gone that long and who knows you might come home to a clean house or lunch made.

You should absolutely be making your dh take care of changing the bedding, cooking and entertaining them. If they do come let them know where stuff is so they can get their own breakfast, lunch, snacks etc. You can all have dinner together cooked by your oh. You could ask them to help you, for instance bathing toddler or minding baby whilst you put toddler to bed.

They aren't strangers, they are your dh's parents and unless they have done something unforgivable I would take one for the team and allow them to come . Once a month for 2-3 days isn't a lot in my opinion and I doubt it would be every month. It isn't unreasonable to want to see your son and grandkids before Xmas. On another note him being crap at arranging meet ups with his family is a piss poor excuse on his part, he needs to get better and you should leave him to it. It isn't your job to facilitate a relationship but if ypu decide to take it up on yourself then you shouldn't complain about it!

godmum56 · 01/11/2021 15:16

yes I'd say one or the other in December...we used to halfway visit with my in laws and it worked well, they were lovely people but hard work to host.

silverbubbles · 01/11/2021 15:16

They will probably get bored of visiting that frequently and you can reduce it down. Just consider it a good thing that they want to be part of your childrens lives.

Original poster
bravelittlepenguin · 01/11/2021 15:17

@MrzClaus

"I've always found it a bit odd because to me if family come to visit then they should generally stay and feel relaxed enough to stay in the house."

Maybe they picked up on the vibe they're an unwanted guest? I'm sorry but once a month is not that much. 12 times a year (not accounting for any skipped months if no days work) isn't much time for them to see their son and grandchildren and you! They're making the 3.5 hour journey there and back, so of course they stay for two / three days (otherwise it's too long of a journey!). I think them staying in a hotel shows they aren't trying to impose, just have a relationship with their grandchildren.

If re arranging a planned baby class is the biggest adjustment you have to make to accommodate them, it doesn't seem like much at all from an outside perspective.

Surely hosting 12 people for Christmas Day will be much more stressful than seeing them for a few days (20/21 dec?) and there's time in between their visit and Christmas Day? Would you rather make the journey up to them? It's understandable they want to see their son and his family close to Christmas!

On the baby class front these are really important to me. We've recently moved 200 miles to a meeting area so we don't know anyone and it's important for me to try to make friends here. I also had my first maternity leave during covid so there weren't any classes whatsoever. I spent pretty much my entire 9 month leave at home on my own with my baby. It was very isolating so I want to make the most of it this time. So no I don't think it's unreasonable to not want to cancel baby classes for the benefit of making cups of tea for other people at home.

I'm surprised you don't think once a month for a few days is a lot. If they come for 3 days a month then that's 10% of the month I'm spending with my parents in law or hosting in my house.

OP posts:
Feelingoktoday · 01/11/2021 15:17

These are your husbands parents. You don’t want to see them monthly. How would you feel if you were told that you can’t see your family. I think that is very selfish. If I was your H I would take both kids and visit his parents monthly staying over.

LookItsMeAgain · 01/11/2021 15:19

@Spoonio

Tell them that they're welcome to stay for 1 night.

1 night is do-able. I hate having overnight guests any longer than that too.

I'd do this.

You say that you're hosting 12 over Christmas. I don't want to pry but does this mean up to and including New Years? If not, can you do a quick change over on the day that these 12 are leaving and have the inlaws for 1 night and then hibernate (i.e. have no more overnight guests) for the rest of winter?

I think you need to say to your DH while having family to stay is very nice (and it can be), having this many guests is just too much and too draining in December. He's not the one that has just given birth to a baby and while I know a lot of men do step up and so a lot in those early days, weeks and months, I'd say few would join the dots between anxiety, lack of sleep and trying to be happy and festive in the run up to Christmas. I don't remember much of the first 3-4 months of my children's lives as I think I was in a fog so it's possible to still function but just be running on empty.

Mix56 · 01/11/2021 15:19

Say No, tell them its manic, & you are getting your Xmas organized, you have a new born, sorry it will not be possible

Original poster
bravelittlepenguin · 01/11/2021 15:20

@Feelingoktoday

These are your husbands parents. You don’t want to see them monthly. How would you feel if you were told that you can’t see your family. I think that is very selfish. If I was your H I would take both kids and visit his parents monthly staying over.
Well that sounds dreamy 😂. A whole weekend with no children and no DH!!!

I'm bf both unfortunately so I can't let him take them without me. I'm also a bit of a softy and don't really like being away from them for any length of time.

OP posts:
Original poster
bravelittlepenguin · 01/11/2021 15:21

@ouchmyfeet

Having read your updates I wonder if you are my SIL and we married into the same family Confused
😂😂 maybe we can form a support group!
OP posts:
Original poster
bravelittlepenguin · 01/11/2021 15:22

@ouchmyfeet this sounds so similar to my PIL!! I feel your pain and hopefully we will end up in a similar pattern to you!

OP posts:
ParmigianoReggiano · 01/11/2021 15:22

I think you've shot yourself in the foot OP by pushing them to come and stay with you. You should have left them to stay nearby as they used to - sounds like that would have worked better for everyone.

Hillarious · 01/11/2021 15:24

I've never "hosted" my family - they arrive and have to muck in. When the kids were little, they would go to toddler groups, etc, and fit in around us. When they were tiny, it was great to have them there to entertain the kids, allowing me to get on with other things in the house. Having the PILs visit, doesn't have to be a big deal

NorthSouthcatlady · 01/11/2021 15:24

@mrsm43s l agree with the sentiment of your post but too many guests are it’s all about MEEE! My mum decided to stay for 5 days once, after originally agreeing just under 3 days. Then be and on the merge of a meltdown as l needed to put the washing machine on before we went out. I had work -unable to book the time off as l had booked leave and l wasn’t on a jolly sadly

Personally hosting anyone regularly is too much. Especially as lm guessing your in laws sit there, whilst you scurry around sorting everything out and they just kick back. Then combined with the back story about your wedding then no

ToykotoLosAngeles · 01/11/2021 15:24

@Maxiedog123

I think it was a mistake to offer for them to stay with you when you had got them staying somewhere else nearby. I'd be trying to get out of that one as soon as possible. Maybe suggest hotel at Christmas .
Yep. I'd be confused if I were them. It's quite a big hint to expect them to take - e.g. I don't want to feel guilty about you paying for a hotel so stay with us, but make sure it's rarely.

And don't cancel the baby classes. Say "That's fine but I have a baby class on the Tuesday." Job done.

TataMamma · 01/11/2021 15:24

Is there anyway you could both drive for an hour and a half and meet up for the day somewhere in between? That limits it a lot in terms of time and them being in your home, but they still get to see their gcs near Christmas, particularly the newborn who is changing so quickly of course.

Original poster
bravelittlepenguin · 01/11/2021 15:24

@ParmigianoReggiano

I think you've shot yourself in the foot OP by pushing them to come and stay with you. You should have left them to stay nearby as they used to - sounds like that would have worked better for everyone.
I think you're right. It was sort of in a fit of enthusiasm after a glass of wine and also me trying to break down some of (what I see as) their weird aloofness and awkwardness. It would be normal for my family to stay with us and in fact I would find it odd if they didn't so I wanted to extend the favour to them. I also wanted to encourage a relationship between my DH and them- they are much closer to his brother which I know hurts him. But I think they've seen it as a massive olive branch and now think it means they are welcome any time for several days!
OP posts:
Sciurus83 · 01/11/2021 15:24

YABU. They have always stayed elsewhere, you insist they have to stay at your house and now you're annoyed with them for doing what you asked. You've chosen to host 12 people, your family who you like more, you could say sorry we have a newborn this year can't do it. They are your kids grandparents, of course they want to see the children at Christmas. They aren't being unreasonable in their asks, the problem is you don't like them. Why don't you go back to them staying somewhere else? But no, it isn't unreasonable for them to want to see the kids at Christmas. Ask them to go back to staying somewhere else if it's too much.

EatYourVegetables · 01/11/2021 15:25

Your DH needs to be more involved, and arrange things in a way that doesn’t massively inconvenience you.