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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my in laws visiting every month

472 replies

bravelittlepenguin · 01/11/2021 14:33

In laws don't live near us- it's about a 3.5 hours drive. We aren't close to them and we've had a few "run ins" over the years which means it can feel slightly awkward for me when they are around.

We've got two little children, one 20 months and the other a newborn.

They've been to visit the newborn last month. They stayed for three nights but not at our house but we saw them each day. They have now organised to come at the start of December (we couldn't find a November date that worked for us all) and will be staying with us for two nights. I told DH I was assuming this would be their Xmas visit too as we are hosting 12 people for Xmas day and have other family members and friends staying (including Brother in law) before and over Xmas. MIL has now just messages saying "can we also come and stay for a couple of nights perhaps 20th/21st December". I really don't want them to stay or visit twice in a month particularly so close to Xmas and with so many other things going on and two small children.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Moonshine11 · 01/11/2021 15:26

So what's the hosting part that you and DH do?
Because they haven't normally stayed with you, until you offered.
You offer to make them a meal, they say no.

MiddleParking · 01/11/2021 15:26

If I was your H I would take both kids and visit his parents monthly staying over.

No you wouldn’t, as evidenced by the fact that OP’s husband IS her husband, and does nothing resembling that.

I’m with you OP. Currently hosting my MIL for two weeks (not agreed by me) while I have a very new and preemie newborn, and there’s a narrative that she’s here to ‘help’ me even though she’s being completely unhelpful and is also a total pain in the arse. My husband said he’d be off work for the duration when he agreed the dates with her and then didn’t book it off and I could cheerfully strangle him. I don’t cancel baby classes or plans with friends though, I just say that I’m going and go. If I had to do it once a month, for any duration of time and wherever she slept, I’d get divorced.

Original poster
bravelittlepenguin · 01/11/2021 15:27

@Sciurus83

YABU. They have always stayed elsewhere, you insist they have to stay at your house and now you're annoyed with them for doing what you asked. You've chosen to host 12 people, your family who you like more, you could say sorry we have a newborn this year can't do it. They are your kids grandparents, of course they want to see the children at Christmas. They aren't being unreasonable in their asks, the problem is you don't like them. Why don't you go back to them staying somewhere else? But no, it isn't unreasonable for them to want to see the kids at Christmas. Ask them to go back to staying somewhere else if it's too much.
I'm not annoyed with them for that. I invited them to stay and they took us up on the offer. What I didn't anticipate is that they would invite themselves to stay again 2 weeks later, 3 days before Xmas.
OP posts:
RenegadeMrs · 01/11/2021 15:28

If they are coming to stay and you don't want to move the baby class, just let them know in advance you have the class and then go to it. My PIL live miles away. If they come for more than a day, we often have time apart so we're not in each other's pockets all the time. They pootle off to the shops (thank god for Dunelm) and we carry on with scheduled activities.

The important thing is to get it all agreed in advance. If they don't think that works for them, then they are the ones declining to come to you as it's not convenient.

Moonshine11 · 01/11/2021 15:28

What I didn't anticipate is that they would invite themselves to stay again 2 weeks later, 3 days before Xmas

But it's Christmas op, I'm sure you would find a way to see your family if they lived hours away.

Sciurus83 · 01/11/2021 15:30

Why would you cancel your classes? You can still go out for an hour if they're round surely. Plenty of grannies tag along to classes as a one off, or if you wanted some time without them say you're going any they've got to entertain themselves/ do something with DH which would be good if he wants to be closer to them

Original poster
bravelittlepenguin · 01/11/2021 15:30

@MiddleParking

If I was your H I would take both kids and visit his parents monthly staying over.

No you wouldn’t, as evidenced by the fact that OP’s husband IS her husband, and does nothing resembling that.

I’m with you OP. Currently hosting my MIL for two weeks (not agreed by me) while I have a very new and preemie newborn, and there’s a narrative that she’s here to ‘help’ me even though she’s being completely unhelpful and is also a total pain in the arse. My husband said he’d be off work for the duration when he agreed the dates with her and then didn’t book it off and I could cheerfully strangle him. I don’t cancel baby classes or plans with friends though, I just say that I’m going and go. If I had to do it once a month, for any duration of time and wherever she slept, I’d get divorced.

Oh dear that sounds grim. Hope you're managing to get some rest and alone time. It must be even tougher with a preemie newborn who you just want to protect and focus on 100%

I agree with you on the "helping" front. Having other people in your space whether they are your family or not can be bloody hard work. I can sort of boss my mum around with jobs and things a bit but I really don't feel I could do the same with MIL and always feel I'm walking on eggshells with them in case I offend them somehow.

OP posts:
flippertyop · 01/11/2021 15:31

I think you are being in reasonable about them wanting to come. I would however suggest they stayed somewhere else

Catflapkitkat · 01/11/2021 15:31

What a charmer you are OP

Original poster
bravelittlepenguin · 01/11/2021 15:31

@Catflapkitkat

What a charmer you are OP
Thank you 🙏
OP posts:
Sciurus83 · 01/11/2021 15:31

But it's Christmas op

Pretty much the only answer needed, of course they were going to visit the grandkids.

BananaPB · 01/11/2021 15:31

Your h should be doing the wife work of planning activities, cooking, getting extra food in etc 3 days each time when it's a 3.5 hour drive is excessive imo. When we lived that distance from MIL we stayed 1 night which was still lovely. I think once a month sounds fine )m(as long as the grandparents aren't divorced because that would be a visit from someone every week)

TatianaBis · 01/11/2021 15:31

I think twice in December is too much. I would just say unfortunately you're busy around the 21st but you can see them in the new year.

They're not really accepting it's not their year for Christmas are they?

Also if your DH isn't particularly organised about seeing his family - leave him to it.

Bluetrews25 · 01/11/2021 15:32

Jeepers that's a lot.
I recall going to see my only Granny 2.5h away only a couple of times a year, maybe 3?, and for the day, not staying over unless it was their turn for Xmas. That was plenty for me!
Could you say ok to the second visit in Dec provided they stay in a hotel as you will have too much to do organisation-wise to be cleaning and doing beds for visitors twice in such a short period of time?
Why are they not arriving in time for lunch, having an early light tea and then going home? Why all the overnights? It would suffocate me.

ThePoisonousMushroom · 01/11/2021 15:33

My in laws (and parents) live abroad so we often host them for longish periods. I still go to my usual groups etc when they’re here. They’re usually grateful for an hour or so peace while we’re out.

MayLeaveADentInYourSofa · 01/11/2021 15:33

Christmas is a funny one with families because everyone wants to meet up, especially as last year was a write off.

I'd suck it up for the December visit. I am sure they really want to see their grandchildren at some point over the Christmas period. Try to make this visit work for you, perhaps they can help with some prep for the people you're hosting.

Going forward next year take control, plan the dates they can visit in advance and at your convenience, maybe push it to every 6 weeks for example rather than every month, and only one night.

I had a SIL that would visit our city for work when my kids were small. She didn't want to stay in the hotel her employer gave her but would rather stay with us. The visits became more and more regular so I totally understand where you're coming from. With hindsight, I wish I had taken control early on before a pattern formed that didn't work for me.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 01/11/2021 15:33

Do they help when they’re there? Take early mornings off your hands, help with cooking etc?

That would make a huge difference to my feelings in your shoes!

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 01/11/2021 15:33

You could restrict visits to days when your dh is off work and tell him he is in charge of all food and activities. Once the baby is old enough, you can arrange yourself a day out and leave him with kids and parents.

Do they act like family and muck in, or do they expect you to drop everything and entertain them as honoured guests? If you do some diy or batch cooking, go shopping for things you need, do the garden, take the kids to swimming etc - are they going to join in and help with the kids, or are they going to get huffy?

AcrossthePond55 · 01/11/2021 15:33

TBH if I had someone (especially family) coming every month I wouldn't be 'hosting' them as one would an 'occasional visit' guest, I'd be expecting them to 'meld' into our family routine. I certainly wouldn't be planning outings or cooking different-than-usual meals.

Before my late parents moved close to us, they visited every month or so. They stayed in a hotel even though we had the room. They wanted and needed the 'quiet space' away from our busy family. Dad had a neuro condition which limited his speech and mobility so they also needed extra 'bathroom privacy' time for him.

They pretty much just came over to the house during the day and 'hung out'. They certainly didn't expect to be 'entertained' or waited on by us. Mum would help with cooking or housework (lovely conversations puttering round the house together) or she'd shop and prepare a meal for us. Dad would watch sports with DH or just sit and enjoy watching the DC doing whatever they were doing. If they wanted a 'family outing' over and above what we'd usually do on a weekend, they normally suggested and facilitated it themselves. It was wonderful and I miss them so much.

If your in-laws are coming too much, you need to stand up and tell them. If you don't mind the frequency but feel the extra 'duties' are a burden, then stop doing so much.

ineedaholidayandwine · 01/11/2021 15:34

I don't think your unreasonable, i'm lucky i get on really well with my in0laws but we still don't see them that regularly, they are just over 2hrs away, will occasionally come for a day visit, maybe stay 3-4 times a year for 1 night.
Can you push the Dec date back a week or so and have that as their Christmas visit?

Original poster
bravelittlepenguin · 01/11/2021 15:34

@Moonshine11

What I didn't anticipate is that they would invite themselves to stay again 2 weeks later, 3 days before Xmas

But it's Christmas op, I'm sure you would find a way to see your family if they lived hours away.

I would you're right. I have to admit that. But that's because i have a totally different relationship with my family. We can be open with each other, fall out, make up easily, have fun, get drunk, hang out in silence etc. It isn't exhausting or hard work for me. In fact I enjoy it hugely. I have a fantasy in my head that it would be the same with my in laws but that's not the case due to past issues and personality types. So whilst I try to maintain a relationship with them for my children and my husband and also because I feel it's the right thing to do it's not comfortable for me to do so and I find spending time with them quite hard work.
OP posts:
Littlepaws18 · 01/11/2021 15:35

You Aren't giving reasons to not see them you are giving excuses. Missing a baby class isn't the end of the world. You are also on maternity so you have plenty of time to plan and prepare. Whether you like them or not they are family, who want to spend time with their young grandchildren. They aren't even asking to come on the main days of Christmas!

Stop being selfish, if you don't want to plan it get your husband too- but stop putting a spanner in the works! You are being difficult and it's impacting your Children's relationship with their extended family.

Watchingyou2sleezes · 01/11/2021 15:35

If they're providing their own accomodation-
You're being a dick

Changes17 · 01/11/2021 15:35

I would hate to have anyone come and stay once a month, so I'm with you OP. It's all about managing expectations – work out what you'd be happy with and set that as the base level. Maybe you could go and see them once every two to three months and then one trip the other way in the same period. Or more, or less, depending on what you are happy with. If you don't get on with someone there's no point going beyond what works because there'll be lots of resentment, and probably both ways.

When my MIL lived nearby she came over once a week minimum. But now she's further away she comes (much) less often but for longer.

Moonbabysmum · 01/11/2021 15:35

When they didn't stay with you, you thought it was odd, and so asked them to stay with you, and are now upset that they agreed.

And you are also upset because when you invite them for dinner, they decline and give what you feel are passive aggressive excuses.

It sounds like neither of you actually say what you mean!

Do they stay over in the week when your partner is as work, or weekends? I also agree with some others that he can do the prep work like tidying/ making needs, and things like meals would be needed whether they are with you or not, so what difference does it make? Also, it wouldn't be rude for you to pop out for a bit or have an early night. Your don't have to sit and make small talk all the time.

Normally, I'd think one trip a month would suffice, but December is a bit different, and given they wont have seen their newborn grandchild all of November, I can see why it's scheduled as it is. Perhaps limit it to a 2 night stay though, which is only one full day.

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