To not want my in laws visiting every month

[bravelittlepenguin]

In laws don't live near us- it's about a 3.5 hours drive. We aren't close to them and we've had a few "run ins" over the years which means it can feel slightly awkward for me when they are around.

We've got two little children, one 20 months and the other a newborn.

They've been to visit the newborn last month. They stayed for three nights but not at our house but we saw them each day. They have now organised to come at the start of December (we couldn't find a November date that worked for us all) and will be staying with us for two nights. I told DH I was assuming this would be their Xmas visit too as we are hosting 12 people for Xmas day and have other family members and friends staying (including Brother in law) before and over Xmas. MIL has now just messages saying "can we also come and stay for a couple of nights perhaps 20th/21st December". I really don't want them to stay or visit twice in a month particularly so close to Xmas and with so many other things going on and two small children.

AIBU?

@Hadtocomment

Since when has it been the norm for people to stay for several nights 12 times a year? That's a huge amount of visits. I love my own parents deeply and see them a lot because they live near but setting up a routine like that would do us both in. It's very different having a meeting or a social visit and seeing people non_stop for days at a time every month. It seems to me that the person suggesting meeting halfway sometimes for a day out had a good idea. That way things can be nice and not get too exhausting. People on here are acting very owed. Perhaps visitors need to cart out and about more. If the pics stay for a few days maybe the op needs to make it clearer that she can see them for a certain amount but that if they are staying several days that have to entertain themselves for some of the time. I don't quite understand. If parents want to be very enmeshed with grandparents and vice versa that's up to them. But normally they would live close by and visits more casual surely? If a young family wants a bit more space that's also surely up to them? If the op was cutting them off or not seeing them at all that might be cruel but to say not having people come once a month for several days is cruel is just extreme in my view. Those trying to paint the op as a mean dil seem very self-centred. She is already seeing the in-laws loads. To be fair to the in-laws they seem to be asking rather than demanding so surely they just need to be replied to straightforwardly and if they are funny about it then it might be not right of them. But open communication from op and her partner maybe what's needed. Even with the visits - one night is fine but we can't do more than that so regularly. Or something. What exactly is she doing wrong? She wants one Dec visit rather than two. Totally fair. Just say so op. You said you hosted them last Christmas so stick to alternating. You sound pretty nice to me.

agree.

@Egie

why host 12 friends for Christmas. surely host friends pre or post Christmas. family should come first at Christmas especially. glad u r not my d.i.law

Yeah OP, it’s not like you are an adult with the right to make your own decisions about your own life. Or to do what you like in your evenings, weekends and holidays.

How dare you spend time with your own friends or your terminally ill family member or enjoy your maternity leave ! Remember you have a vagina so you are morally obliged to be an unpaid servant to your husbands family.

I never realised what a reasonable MIL I was until I read comments from some of the pompous entitled idiots on MN . No wonder so many of their sons and DIL hate them 🙁

“I never realised what a reasonable MIL I was until I read comments from some of the pompous entitled idiots on MN . No wonder so many of their sons and DIL hate them 🙁”

Well you think you are! Same as the oPs Ils also think they are being reasonable too. Let’s hope your DIL isn’t a member of MN.

Of course they will need to stay for 2 or 3 days if they have to travel for 3.5 hours to get to you! It is not as though they live down the road and are able to pop in frequently, as I expect your parents and friends do ..
How is it that you can entertain 12+ people at Christmas but not your children's grandparents?

You ask a revealing question .. ' so, do I have to host them for 2 days -Just Because - they want to see the children. .?'
If that is your attitude towards them, I am surprised they want to visit at all!
That said, they have a right to see their grandchildren and they, their grandparents.
I would say, yes, you are being unreasonable and selfish and should treat your inlaws with a little more kindness.. 😓

@Cocoda but they could stay in a hotel though?

How much did they visit previously? You mention you have a 20 month old - have they upped the visits since your newborn? I would also get stressed by a visit so close to Christmas with all the preparations to do - unless you can get them to help out massively!

How is it that you can entertain 12+ people at Christmas but not your children's grandparents?

It’s one day! Not all 12 people are staying overnight and if the in-laws hadn’t been so awkward when she was asking them about Christmas, they probably would have gotten dates closer to one. They could also stay in a hotel instead of staying with OP.

They picked their dates with their son and that’s what they’re getting. They’re showing little thought for OP and how much extra work it would be for her with two small children if they stay at theirs before Christmas and if OP’s family is close by, they will likely be helping her so in-laws would probably have to share time with their grandchildren whereas coming on the dates they chose, they would likely have that time with their grandchildren alone.

I could have written this. Mine used to drive the 3 hours and just turn up unannounced expecting us (me) to host them. YANBU!

Your in-laws are in fact the complete opposite of OP’s then.

@bravelittlepenguin

Do the right thing OP and let the past be the past. It sounds like you are hurt from things that happened before. There's now two children involved. Best to encourage monthly visits, and say yes to Christmas. You could say they are always welcome to stay at yours for a 1-2 nights, that helps keep the visits to a reasonable length. They are family and they won't be around forever. They are likely delighted to have two new grandchildren. It's lovely they want to know them and spend time with them, many grandparents don't.

YANBU.

Having guests for days straight that you are uncomfortable with & don't get on with is HARD. I have this with my very demanding, overbearing & rude inlaws who used to invite themselves for 4-5 days roughly every 3 weeks after my first kid was born 4 years ago. I lasted 2.5 years until I completely cracked up & lost it. They are not happy but it's not up to them how often we ( I ) host guests regardless if they invite themselves.

Some pp said 'they are grandparents and they have rights'. They actually don't have any rights. Especially if they can't treat their adult kids & spouses with respect.

My free time is so limited and precious that people trying to claim it & dictate what I'm doing with it really gets my hackles up.

Its so much better if they are in a hotel or b&b locally, I do this for my step son & family, & My parents did it with me.
Initially I had no room, & later we carried on the same arrangement. They enjoyed relaxed mornings, private bathrooms, & mooching. We would get together mid morning, they would go off for a drive, shop, walk & visit us again in the early evening when we would all prep dinner together, after eating they would go back to their rental, read, watch TV. Etc
I would not want my PIL in my house this frequently. But living out is doable.
You need to reneg. & say its nit working fir you, you will be happy to see them this frequently if they are living out. If not you will be limiting it to once every X months
TBH I think the only visit they should fo is around Xmas, about 10 days before the rush. They want to see the children, the same way your Mum does

Coffee Pot 72
They could stay in a hotel but it seems to me that this couple are having to battle to be accepted and to see their family - grandchildren in particular - in a pleasant and relaxed atmosphere. It makes me sad ..

They could stay in a hotel, but it seems that this couple are having to battle to be accepted and to see their family - Grandchildren, in particular - in a relaxed and pleasant atmosphere.. It is a pity they cannot deal with whatever the problems are because this will affect the children negatively if it continues. It makes me sad..

They shouldn't have to! They should be welcomed into their son and daughter-in-laws home! What us their son saying about this..?

They should be welcomed into their son and daughter-in-laws home.

I'm with the OP on this one, I think its all a bit too much, particularly with a newborn.

ZOMBIE THREAD!!!!!!!!!!

THIS IS FROM 2021.

Well spotted - although the situation is probably quite common again, given the time of year?

MaryShelley 1818
Zombie Thread?? The original post was a while ago, but I only just spotted a reply to my post which came up as I was scrolling.
The reply deserved a response.
End of story.
Over and out!

Why don't you just that days just before Christmas don't work for you and suggest sometime in January instead

Sounds reasonable?

Hi @bravelittlepenguin i have a very similar situation with mine! Interested to hear how this has evolved?! Once a month is so full on to host for 3 nights.