To not want my in laws visiting every month

[bravelittlepenguin]

In laws don't live near us- it's about a 3.5 hours drive. We aren't close to them and we've had a few "run ins" over the years which means it can feel slightly awkward for me when they are around.

We've got two little children, one 20 months and the other a newborn.

They've been to visit the newborn last month. They stayed for three nights but not at our house but we saw them each day. They have now organised to come at the start of December (we couldn't find a November date that worked for us all) and will be staying with us for two nights. I told DH I was assuming this would be their Xmas visit too as we are hosting 12 people for Xmas day and have other family members and friends staying (including Brother in law) before and over Xmas. MIL has now just messages saying "can we also come and stay for a couple of nights perhaps 20th/21st December". I really don't want them to stay or visit twice in a month particularly so close to Xmas and with so many other things going on and two small children.

AIBU?

Given that December is generally a very full-on month for most people, I think you would be being perfectly reasonable to say 'one or the other, but not both'.

Hosting 12 people with two very small children sounds very full-on! Good luck.

Chose one of the Dec dates to host (soonest one perhaps) and the next one (at xmas) they stay at a B&B.

Can you visit them around Christmas time if you don’t want them visiting you? It’s pretty normal for grandparents to want to see their grandchildren regularly, and especially at Christmas.

I think you're unreasonable as well sorry! They are your husbands family and I assume he wants to see them. Yes ideally they would live close by and pop in once every other week or something. But they don't. And they are considerate enough to check when is good for you for them to visit rather than just tell you they are coming on x date, they are considerate enough to drive to you rather than expecting you to make the journey and they are considerate enough to actually stay somewhere else other than your house. So on the face of it, it sounds like they are doing all they can to be decent visitors who are taking an interest in their grandchildren.

Yes not many people really want to spend that much time with the in laws but its kind of what happens when you are with someone who has family that they don't live near and most people suck it up for the sake of their partner and childrens relationship with their parents / grandparents

Honestly, you sound very unwelcoming and like you don't want to have a relationship with them.

They are coming once a month, staying elsewhere (or did last time), and see you daily for a few days. I don't see a problem with that. I also would absolutely expect to see my husband's parents (and children's grandparents) at least once over the Christmas period - if you don't want them coming to you, perhaps you could go to them?

You talk a lot about "hosting", but I don't think they are actually staying in your house with you? So you mean, "seeing" them. Presumably a mix of them coming round to your house, and trips out. That's really no big deal. I would be really happy to facilitate this TBH. Surely your DH and your children want to see their parents/grandparents?

This sounds exhausting, my in laws only stay once a year, I don’t think I could cope with more than that.

OP, get DH to tell they can’t come then.

Do thry lift a finer when they visit?

@Allsorts1

Having to see in laws or indeed my own parents for a full long weekend every month is heaps - I feel like PPs aren’t taking into account that you’re not just having one lunch/afternoon a month, you effectively have house guests for a few days and feel that you have to entertain, so I can see how it would be a strain and this would stress me out too. On the bright side, at least they are happy to stay nearby rather than actually with you! Maybe you can take advantage of them being here and get babysitting and a chance to go out on a date etc, rather than always feel that you have to host them? If twice so close together is too much, I agree that you should just say run up to Christmas is pretty hectic, you’d love to see them but can either do the earlier weekend or the weekend closer to Christmas - if they could let you know which one of those works best for them.

The last few times they've come they've stayed somewhere else. I've always found it a bit odd because to me if family come to visit then they should generally stay and feel relaxed enough to stay in the house. The last time they were here I told them they were welcome to stay with us instead next time and they awkwardly agreed which is why they are staying with us this next time. What I didn't anticipate is that they would then expect us to host them for a few days every time which seems to be the expectation now. I agree with you that it feels like a lot of pressure on me as even if DH does some of the practical work it's always me thinking of meals and activities and managing people visiting and as I'm on maternity leave it will be me who will be in the house with them and having to change my plans (baby classes etc) for them being here

You just say you can’t that week but what about you come to them in the new year.

If they’re horrid to you watch the children, they can pick up on it even from a very early age. What about meeting in the middle for lunch and “a walk”.

It sounds like they are changing the pattern so that they now stay WITH you every visit. Are they creeping up to that?

It’s Christmas. YABU. Especially if you can host all these other people

I think YABU on this one. Your happy to host 12 people at Christmas but not two just before Christmas.

I dont think seeing GC once per month is BU, the early Dec one is effectively the November visit and assume Dec would have been a little later if it wasn't Christmas.

@mrsm43s

Honestly, you sound very unwelcoming and like you don't want to have a relationship with them.

They are coming once a month, staying elsewhere (or did last time), and see you daily for a few days. I don't see a problem with that. I also would absolutely expect to see my husband's parents (and children's grandparents) at least once over the Christmas period - if you don't want them coming to you, perhaps you could go to them?

You talk a lot about "hosting", but I don't think they are actually staying in your house with you? So you mean, "seeing" them. Presumably a mix of them coming round to your house, and trips out. That's really no big deal. I would be really happy to facilitate this TBH. Surely your DH and your children want to see their parents/grandparents?

Yes they are staying with us.

The last time they were here I told them they were welcome to stay with us instead next time and they awkwardly agreed which is why they are staying with us this next time. What I didn't anticipate is that they would then expect us to host them for a few days every time which seems to be the expectation now.

X- post. You need to nip this in the bud now. They now think they have carte blanche to stay with you every month.

@bravelittlepenguin

In laws don't live near us- it's about a 3.5 hours drive. We aren't close to them and we've had a few "run ins" over the years which means it can feel slightly awkward for me when they are around.

We've got two little children, one 20 months and the other a newborn.

They've been to visit the newborn last month. They stayed for three nights but not at our house but we saw them each day. They have now organised to come at the start of December (we couldn't find a November date that worked for us all) and will be staying with us for two nights. I told DH I was assuming this would be their Xmas visit too as we are hosting 12 people for Xmas day and have other family members and friends staying (including Brother in law) before and over Xmas. MIL has now just messages saying "can we also come and stay for a couple of nights perhaps 20th/21st December". I really don't want them to stay or visit twice in a month particularly so close to Xmas and with so many other things going on and two small children.

AIBU?

I agree with you as have a similar relationship with my MIL. I wouldn’t want to have to see them that often if it means hosting them and making plans for them especially if I didn’t get in with them that well. Why don’t you suggest Xmas is ok but not for them to stay as you have lots already planned. Hosting is stressful with kids for sure!!

Could you take advantage of them being there and go out on your own, leaving them with the children? Is it possible they're regretting their past behaviour?

No you're not unreasonable, 3 days every month is intense, especially if you don't get on!!!
My mum lives that distance and visits once a year and I enjoy her company.
We visit 3 times a year so probably see each other 4 times a year.
Obviously I'd love to see her more but I also have to fit in my in laws, siblings and friends, as well as some quiet weekends.

@Ragruggers

Why are you hosting all these people with a toddler and a newborn? Does your DH cook and clean for all these people.You can say no to them all if that is what you want.Sounds horrendous.

We are hosting my whole family on Xmas day because it was my turn to see my family last year but obviously due to Covid we couldn't do anything at all- as with everyone we spent the whole period on our own. The year before we hosted my In laws and brother and sister in law at our house.

They aren't staying with us though other than Xmas day itself but we do have my husbands brother staying on Boxing Day and one weekend in November too

I think you need to get it clear in your head about what it is that you want.

You say these people have behaved badly towards you in the past. You now feel awkward with them. DH is not close to them.

What is the point of you pushing for contact? Let DH sort things out - as long as he runs stuff past you. If he has no annual leave, oh dear they will have to wait.

And think about whether they are the kind of people you want near your children. If they have been nasty to you then what's to stop them being nasty to your children?

@Bellyups

It’s Christmas. YABU. Especially if you can host all these other people

I don't really follow that argument sorry. There's obviously limits on how much time and how many people you want to and can host. Just because I have people to stay one weekend doesn't mean I then want people to stay every weekend.

it's always me thinking of meals and activities and managing people visiting and as I'm on maternity leave it will be me who will be in the house with them and having to change my plans

But why??? If his parents are coming to stay then your DH should be off work to see them and do most, if not all, of this stuff. If he can’t take time off/they can’t coincide their visits with when he doesn’t work then I’m totally with you and this isn’t a suitable time for a visit. It’s not fair that the pressure is on you.

just because they want to see the children?

It’s not “just” is it? It’s a very good reason and since they didn’t even stay at yours at their most recent visit I hardly think it’s such an imposition. You sound a bit mean

Defintely suggest if they want to swap the early Dec visit to the later date in Dec they.have now asked for as well.
At least they have asked for that before they came for 1st Dec visit while there is time to swap dates.

@5zeds

You just say you can’t that week but what about you come to them in the new year.

If they’re horrid to you watch the children, they can pick up on it even from a very early age. What about meeting in the middle for lunch and “a walk”.

Meeting in the middle is actually an excellent idea thank you.

They certainly aren't rude to me face to face. There has only been one face to face run in the whole time I've known them. The issue is that they are very passive aggressive and are never honest about how they feel or what they want to do which is totally exhausting. Eg "would you like to come for dinner" "oh no no we don't want to impose you have your dinner on your own" "well we've cooked for you already and have plenty in" "no no you have your time on your own". Sub text is they don't want to have dinner with us but for some reason won't say it. They've also had massive arguments with my DH over the years over simmering resentments that we didn't know existed at the time. And they created a big issue over our wedding which I felt I was owed an apology for- they aren't the sort to apologise (especially FIL) so the apology never came which means it's me who just has to get over it and move on for the benefit of the family dynamic

"I've always found it a bit odd because to me if family come to visit then they should generally stay and feel relaxed enough to stay in the house."

Maybe they picked up on the vibe they're an unwanted guest? I'm sorry but once a month is not that much. 12 times a year (not accounting for any skipped months if no days work) isn't much time for them to see their son and grandchildren and you! They're making the 3.5 hour journey there and back, so of course they stay for two / three days (otherwise it's too long of a journey!). I think them staying in a hotel shows they aren't trying to impose, just have a relationship with their grandchildren.

If re arranging a planned baby class is the biggest adjustment you have to make to accommodate them, it doesn't seem like much at all from an outside perspective.

Surely hosting 12 people for Christmas Day will be much more stressful than seeing them for a few days (20/21 dec?) and there's time in between their visit and Christmas Day? Would you rather make the journey up to them? It's understandable they want to see their son and his family close to Christmas!

I think it was a mistake to offer for them to stay with you when you had got them staying somewhere else nearby.
I'd be trying to get out of that one as soon as possible. Maybe suggest hotel at Christmas
.