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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my in laws visiting every month

472 replies

bravelittlepenguin · 01/11/2021 14:33

In laws don't live near us- it's about a 3.5 hours drive. We aren't close to them and we've had a few "run ins" over the years which means it can feel slightly awkward for me when they are around.

We've got two little children, one 20 months and the other a newborn.

They've been to visit the newborn last month. They stayed for three nights but not at our house but we saw them each day. They have now organised to come at the start of December (we couldn't find a November date that worked for us all) and will be staying with us for two nights. I told DH I was assuming this would be their Xmas visit too as we are hosting 12 people for Xmas day and have other family members and friends staying (including Brother in law) before and over Xmas. MIL has now just messages saying "can we also come and stay for a couple of nights perhaps 20th/21st December". I really don't want them to stay or visit twice in a month particularly so close to Xmas and with so many other things going on and two small children.

AIBU?

OP posts:
ThePoisonousMushroom · 01/11/2021 15:36

I would you're right. I have to admit that. But that's because i have a totally different relationship with my family. We can be open with each other, fall out, make up easily, have fun, get drunk, hang out in silence etc. It isn't exhausting or hard work for me. In fact I enjoy it hugely. I have a fantasy in my head that it would be the same with my in laws but that's not the case due to past issues and personality types. So whilst I try to maintain a relationship with them for my children and my husband and also because I feel it's the right thing to do it's not comfortable for me to do so and I find spending time with them quite hard work

Does your DH have a good relationship with them?

Original poster
bravelittlepenguin · 01/11/2021 15:36

@Bluetrews25

Jeepers that's a lot. I recall going to see my only Granny 2.5h away only a couple of times a year, maybe 3?, and for the day, not staying over unless it was their turn for Xmas. That was plenty for me! Could you say ok to the second visit in Dec provided they stay in a hotel as you will have too much to do organisation-wise to be cleaning and doing beds for visitors twice in such a short period of time? Why are they not arriving in time for lunch, having an early light tea and then going home? Why all the overnights? It would suffocate me.
This is my argument to my DH exactly. I always used to see my own grandparents for a few jolly hours or overnight then everyone would go home again. And it was only ever a few times a year as far as I can remember.
OP posts:
RuleWithAWoodenFoot · 01/11/2021 15:36

This happened to me too. I still absolutely hate having people to stay in my house (in general), and I can find my inlaws overbearing in particular.

They came down once every 4 weeks from Thursday - Sunday. So, I arranged that they did childcare on the Friday (so saving us some money), and we then spent that money on date nights. When she was a bit older, they still carried on doing it - taking her to school and picking her up on the Friday - so we started taking weekends away.

It's important that your children have a relationship with them unless they are really very toxic, and you sort of need to cultivate that a bit, however annoying it is.

Use the time properly. Make it work for you.

Obviously not so easy when there is a newborn, but still - use the time to do stuff for you. I used to have lie ins, go to the gym, go out for lunch on my own or with my mates and so on.

musicviking1 · 01/11/2021 15:37

Because you're hosting as opposed to just going out for a meal etc I would also consider it too much especially as you've also not long had a baby.

ineedaholidayandwine · 01/11/2021 15:37

And to the poster who said you don't have to plan meals, we do, they can't eat a lot of what we do so we need to ensure we have plenty of stuff in for lunches (we don't normally) and also have meals planned for dinner that is something they eat

TaraR2020 · 01/11/2021 15:37

I'm a bit on the fence with this one...

It's not unreasonable to not want them to stay with you every month for a couple of nights.

It does seem unreasonable to not want them to stay for a couple of nights around Christmas just because you'll have had them to stay the month before as well.

If you weren't on maternity leave, I'd say it's really unreasonable but I think you should be cut some slack given that you have a little one.

I understand that there's no warmth between you, but you haven't posted anything that suggests they're genuinely horrible to you and I'm left wondering how much of it is a personality clash.

If you really can't face them staying pre Xmas then reach a compromise - can they stay in a b&b nearby and come for lunch or dinner each day?

I'd also make sure that your dh is doing his fair share over the whole Xmas period, although to be fair it sounds like he already his.

Feelingoktoday · 01/11/2021 15:38

It sounds like you have a H problem. He sounds lazy. Barely cooks a meal, can’t change bed sheets?? Does he food shop?
One day, you might be grandparents. Let’s hope your DIL/SIL is happy for you to see your grandchildren more than once a month.

RuleWithAWoodenFoot · 01/11/2021 15:38

Could you say ok to the second visit in Dec provided they stay in a hotel

We also used to do this sometimes. I quite enjoyed the beginning of lockdown easing because we could push them into a hotel guilt free. The good news is now (child is 7), even my partner is a bit over them being here that often, so he arranges our weekends away or date nights. They are harder as they get older and deaf-er!!

LookItsMeAgain · 01/11/2021 15:38

What was the issue about your wedding that the inlaws kicked off about? Why didn't they apologise? Why didn't you stand up to your husband and say to him that you're having nothing further to do with his family until they apologise?
Then you wouldn't have to be the one in the relationship trying to build bridges, it would be up to your DH to do.
You will have to defer to your DH when making the arrangements in future for his parents to visit. If, and only if it suits you both, do any guests (from either side of the family) stay under your roof. If they want to visit, they can stay in a B&B or local AirBnB or hotel.

NautaOcts · 01/11/2021 15:39

Just based on your first few posts - yes if I was your spouse id feel upset you don’t want to see my parents for a couple of days a month, when they’re not even staying at your house!

Bluetrews25 · 01/11/2021 15:40

When are you going back to work, OP? Wink
You will have no time for all these overnight visits then. So maybe start setting the tone for things - we'll only have time for you to come for the day. (Of course they could stay over in a hotel but you won't have time to see them at all on the second day, sorry.)

Ozanj · 01/11/2021 15:41

* This is my argument to my DH exactly. I always used to see my own grandparents for a few jolly hours or overnight then everyone would go home again. And it was only ever a few times a year as far as I can remember.*

But this isn’t your gp and your DH wants to see his parents more often (presumably because you see your family quite often). So as he’s willing to facilitate this you don’t have a leg to stand on refusing the visits. If you want to ban overnights for them then ban them for your family too.

Ozanj · 01/11/2021 15:41

@NautaOcts

Just based on your first few posts - yes if I was your spouse id feel upset you don’t want to see my parents for a couple of days a month, when they’re not even staying at your house!
Same.
TatianaBis · 01/11/2021 15:41

It's not unreasonable to not want them to stay with you every month for a couple of nights.

I think that is unreasonable actually and I speak as someone who sees their parents and PIL regularly. But - we all live in London so they're not staying.

No way would I have either sets to stay once a month. That's a lot.

If they have the time and money to come up and stay in a hotel nearby once a month - ok. Just about bearable - up to them. You can't stop people.

thisplaceisweird · 01/11/2021 15:43

@HappySantasaurus

I don't think its unreasonable that they'd want to visit again nearer to Christmas day at all. I do think you can reasonably say they will need to stay at a hotel/b&b as there's a lot going on.
Think this is best, then if you don't want to see them on any day you can just busy up those days with your own family
Original poster
bravelittlepenguin · 01/11/2021 15:44

@LookItsMeAgain

What was the issue about your wedding that the inlaws kicked off about? Why didn't they apologise? Why didn't you stand up to your husband and say to him that you're having nothing further to do with his family until they apologise? Then you wouldn't have to be the one in the relationship trying to build bridges, it would be up to your DH to do. You will have to defer to your DH when making the arrangements in future for his parents to visit. If, and only if it suits you both, do any guests (from either side of the family) stay under your roof. If they want to visit, they can stay in a B&B or local AirBnB or hotel.
I don't really want to go into it as it could potentially be outing. But it culminated in them kicking off with us at a party two weeks before our wedding (MIL crying, FIL shouting) which made me feel incredibly anxious for the day itself. My DH has raised it with them after this but was told by MIL there wouldn't be an apology. A further argument where they didn't agree with my behaviour ended with me insisting to my DH he needed to stick up for me, which he did, which then ended in a huge argument between he and them again over the phone.

I don't want to insist on an apology that will never come because it would lead to the relationship breaking down which I don't want to do. So I've had to move on even though I have been very hurt by them over the years

OP posts:
ToykotoLosAngeles · 01/11/2021 15:44

But they are staying at her house because she told them to despite not really wanting them to. So that needs reversing for Dec, as others have said.

Mummyratbag · 01/11/2021 15:45

If last year was a write off and the previous year was your family's turn, they last saw you for Christmas in 2018? They aren't asking for Christmas they are asking to see you and kids just before.

You accuse them of being passive aggressive, but it sounds as though they are bending over backwards to not intrude by staying in hotels and not expect meals. They sound like they can't win.

That said you have a newborn and also a house full for Christmas so perhaps you need cutting some slack.

What arrangement would suit you?

Original poster
bravelittlepenguin · 01/11/2021 15:46

@ToykotoLosAngeles

But they are staying at her house because she told them to despite not really wanting them to. So that needs reversing for Dec, as others have said.
I genuinely did and do want them to stay for the next trip. I feel it's the right thing to do for the reasons everyone has pointed out- that it's my children's grandparents and husbands parents. But I don't want to have to do it every few weeks or every month.
OP posts:
ThePoisonousMushroom · 01/11/2021 15:47

Just because it’s 2 weekends in December (an unusual month due to Christmas), it doesn’t mean they’ll want to come every single month going forward.

Immaculatemisconception · 01/11/2021 15:48

My reaction is that you should try harder. These people are your children's grandparents, exactly the same as your parents are.

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 01/11/2021 15:48

Can they join you for Christmas? What’s 2 more when you’ve got 12!

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 01/11/2021 15:49

Every month if they go back to staying at a hotel or air b n b nearby would be totally reasonable.

Also without any details what you’re saying about the wedding and them kicking off and not liking your behaviour doesn’t really mean anything! Maybe you behaved badly? Impossible to say from the scant details given

GenderAtheist · 01/11/2021 15:50

I agree with you that it feels like a lot of pressure on me as even if DH does some of the practical work it's always me thinking of meals and activities and managing people visiting and as I'm on maternity leave it will be me who will be in the house with them and having to change my plans (baby classes etc) for them being here

They need to come at weekends when your Dh is home and he needs to host them, think of meals and activities. He’s the one who wants them.

Unless of course he has taken several days annual leave to host your parents and do everything for them .

I find that 99% of men are a lot less keen on hosting get togethers when they have to do the work. It’s very easy to be hospitable when you have staff.

Hont1986 · 01/11/2021 15:50

Just say you have too much to prepare before Christmas for the 20/21st dates.