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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - boarding school?

196 replies

marateach · 31/10/2021 21:32

My partner and I are thinking about having children soon however we have quite different ideas about their upbringing. He went to a boarding school from age 11 and loved it. He has said that if we have children he would like to give them the option to go away to boarding school from KS2 onwards.
I can’t imagine only seeing my children during school holidays!

AIBU?
If you / your children went to boarding school, were they / you happy? Do you have any regrets?

OP posts:
EdithWeston · 31/10/2021 21:34

By the time your DC is 11, 13 or 16, you'll know if they want to board.

Don't stress about it now

He's talking about an option, not giving them marching orders!

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 31/10/2021 21:37

Agree you'll know and it will depend on what type of child you have.

Also weekly boarding is quite popular which i think is a great halfway house.

Nc123 · 31/10/2021 21:42

I wouldn’t do it. Three of my aunts went to boarding school and all of them, separately, were damaged by it in different ways - one excessively.

Itwasquitegood · 31/10/2021 21:44

You will get lots of stories from people who loved it and lots of stories from those that hated it etc. Until you have your child/children and get to know them you won't know if they are suited to boarding school or not. I went from age 12 and really enjoyed it. My sister hated it.

Different personalities and different needs.

Just because you enjoyed something it doesn't mean your children will. Just because you hated something doesn't mean your children will. Lots of people make the mistake of parenting in reaction to their childhood (good and bad) and not parenting and meeting the needs of the actual children infront of them.

Great that you might be able to give them the option of boarding but keep an open mind about it and get as much info about the schools you are considering and the opinion of those who attended those schools - would be my advice when the time is right.

SisforSoppy · 31/10/2021 21:44

Unless you have £80k/year spare it isn’t going to be an issue.

Biscuitsneeded · 31/10/2021 21:44

KS2 is aged 7/8!!! That's barbaric. Boarding isn't necessarily wrong, and I'm sure plenty of older kids enjoy it and for many reasons it suits their families, but I couldn't send a child away younger than about 13, personally. And I am someone who gets very exasperated by overprotective parents who won't let their kids do sleepovers or school trips. But boarding is tough, and in many cases leaves psychological scars. I know there are people who say 'well it didn't do me any harm,' but you only have to look at our current Cabinet to see the emotional stunting and truncation of empathy it has caused. Have a look at this documentary on youtube from the 1990s about a few families with young children starting boarding. Although the schools do their best to be friendly and welcoming it's a pretty upsetting watch.

Rainbowunicorn76 · 31/10/2021 21:44

Ks2 is still much too young, can you compromise on age 11 or 13. If he only wants to give them the choice at that age then I suppose that's not too bad.

Cocomarine · 31/10/2021 21:47

You know that KS2 is age 7, right?
No way in hell would I not have been in my 7 year old’s daily life - whether they wanted or not.

At 11, I’d have considered it if:

  • they really wanted to go
  • there was a good reason (e.g. a musical talent)
And even then I’d want flexi boarding or weekly boarding. It’s not even about would they be happy - I wouldn’t be happy.

If my partner actively wanted to go for boarding at KS2, I wouldn’t be with them. Our values would be too different. At KS3, I’d need to feel certain that they would put the needs of the child first.

It wouldn’t bother me that they were open to the possibility if they liked it themselves, as long as I was sure they wouldn’t try to over rule either my child or my wishes. I would need to know that they would respect my veto, for any reason.

oviraptor21 · 31/10/2021 21:50

There's no way I'd have kids and then send them to boarding school. I want to be with them and enjoy them growing up with me and dh and their siblings.
Just about the only thing I might consider is if they had a particular talent that really would be best provided for at a certain school.

waterrat · 31/10/2021 21:52

Sending 7 year old is barbaric. They need to be parented! I had an ex who was sent at 7 he was traumatised fir life.

I have friends whose children board now and love it but they didn't go til 13 or 14 and actively wanted to go. The kids still found it very hard being away.

moita · 31/10/2021 21:52

At 7?! No way.

My uncle had a horrible at boarding school (sexual abuse) but a friend went and loved it (he was a teenager).

Tailendofsummer · 31/10/2021 21:56

If I was set against this I would be cautious about having dc with someone who wanted it (and who presumably can afford it, and maybe every generation of his family went to one etc..)

Saoirse82 · 31/10/2021 21:59

Anyone who wants to send a 7 year old to boarding school should really rethink whether they actually want to be a parent. I could never do this to my child. Maybe when they are teens and can decide for themselves but before that absolutely not.

bakingdemon · 31/10/2021 22:01

I went at 8 and loved it, but the number of proper boarding schools for children that young is falling. If they do it, it's mostly for a couple of nights a week. You'll know whether your kids could cope - lots of people absolutely thrive. I know that I would have battled constantly with DM if I'd had to do all my teenage years around her.

TillyDevon · 31/10/2021 22:03

I boarded at 8 and outwardly looked very happy but my hidden levels of stress from the separation alone have affected me for life. I’m still open- minded as have friends who loved it and who it suited. Our DS is at a school with optional boarding aged 10 and asked to try it and he finds it more fun than home even though we live minutes away. I don’t think you can know as each child is unique, though I do think it’s helpful if they can have a level of control in the decision unless boarding for army reasons, divorce etc which can bring great stability

DramaAlpaca · 31/10/2021 22:04

DH and his siblings all went to boarding school from age 11. It's quite telling that none of them sent their own children.

SausageSizzle · 31/10/2021 22:05

I think it's fine for a 13 year old who wants to go, although they also need to know that they can change their mind and come home if they give it a try and it's not working.

For a 7 year old, barbaric. I don't see how they can properly 'choose' it either since they can't really understand the reality of being away from their parents long-term (and its consequences) until they actually have to endure it.

I wouldn't send an 11 year old. I think that's too young unless there are circumstances (such as remote location, parents working abroad) which mean they really need to board.

MerryPumpkinmas · 31/10/2021 22:05

Absolutely YANBU. That said, I found out that a local boarding school does a term in France and I think that would be an amazing experience which obviously can't be offered by a day school. So if affordable and suitable for the personality of the child, that is something I would consider giving the option of.

008NoTimeToDiet · 31/10/2021 22:08

My mother went from 7ish til the end of her school days. She said she loved it, because she didn't like her home life. However, I think she has been very emotionally-stunted by it. She's emotionally vacant, and I lay a lot of that on her upbringing at boarding school, with no parental love or learning how to be in a family.

SisforSoppy · 31/10/2021 22:08

I missed the age 7 bit. There is a child age 7 who boards at DC’s school. The mum has said to me ‘I don’t speak to him during term time as it upsets him too much’. I was Shock.

Wowwellokthen · 31/10/2021 22:15

I boarded weekly from about 9....and then Full boarding from 11...loved it. My sister weekly boarded and was ok with it.

My 2 kids both board...their choice...one weekly and one full...they love it. Both started at 13.

In fact the full time one started with weekly and now wants to stay at school at the weekends because it's so much more fun being with their friends compared to boring old me!

It works for some and not others...you need to know your child and pick the type of school that will work for them...that is if you can afford the high fees...bursaries and scholarships here.

nurserypolitics · 31/10/2021 22:16

Boarding school is funny. People seem to either love it, like your OH, or really really hate it. I would not be ok with sending a child of mine. I knew lots of people who went, and only one who I think wasn't negatively effected by it and he was there with 3 siblings, home every weekend and it was v much his choice.

By contrast a friend of mine was totally messed up and v angry with his parents. He apparently begged to go but his view is, he was a child, they should have known better. Wasn't outwardly miserable as a child but felt he had no 'base', he was essentially sent away and he has a lot of resentment towards his parents still.

I know lots of people who hated their 'normal' schools but it hasn't carried over into their adult lives in the same way. Similarly the people I know who loved boarding LOVED boarding, but its not something I'd risk.

90dayfianceaddiction · 31/10/2021 22:20

I don’t get why you’d send children away to boarding school 🤷🏻‍♀️Why have kids if you’re just going to send them away from you. Would break my heart to be away from Dd

Mistlewoeandwhine · 31/10/2021 22:23

My dad went to public school and is very clearly damaged as a result. He is a sociopath.

NavyCream · 31/10/2021 22:25

Ask him if he would agree to them not going if you weren't happy with the idea.

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